Memento Mori
by jandixjunpyo
Summary: It's been one month since the incident with Haitani. Ritsu is working towards recovery mentally, physically, and emotionally. Everything seems to be falling into place. But will unresolved problems get in the way of perfection?
1. Chapter 1: Forgiveness

**A/N: Hey guys! Here's the sequel to 'secrets.' Thank you so much for your support and reviews. I'm excited for this story! Please Review! (Btw: Ah-Pa** is like 'dad'. They say it in countries like Korea. I have Ritsu call his father that because he knows Korean and it just sounds like something he'd call his dad. c: And also the book "Passion" By Jude Morgan is a real book. So I do not own that! Nor do I own the Sekai ichi Hatsukoi characters. You all know this. Please Review!Thank you!)**

* * *

 **Memento Mori**

Chapter 1: Forgiveness

 **One month later:**

Ritsu sat at back in his chair, finding himself relaxed as his therapist spoke. ' _One deep breath, two deep breathes, hold it…._ ' Ritsu let out a slow breath, resting his eyes closed as the breath escaped his teeth.

"Now Onodera-Kun," The therapist spoke softly, gathering his papers together. "You have to take it easy. Try to stay away from things that stress you out or give you anxiety. And when you feel like you want to take pills, what are you going to do?"

Ritsu looked at his therapist, and smiled softly and calmly. "I will use the coping skills I've learned to resist. And if I can't, tell someone so they can help me." The therapist nodded slowly, and placed his papers into his bag.

"Well, Onodera-Kun, I'll see you in two weeks. Shall we go?" The therapist stood, and Ritsu followed him out to the lobby. Ritsu bowed to his therapist, and headed towards Takano, who's attention was absorbed in a magazine.

"Oh, Ritsu, are you done?" Ritsu nodded, and Takano set down his magazine. The two walked towards the car, hand in hand. Takano opened the door for Ritsu, then closing it after he was inside.

Takano set himself firmly in the driver's seat, then started the car. "How'd it go?" Takano pulled them out of the parking lot, eventually flowing along the busy streets of traffic. Ritsu gave a soft smile, and studied the outside from the passenger window.

"It went well, I think. Hika-San will be out for the next two weeks for his wedding though." Ritsu continued to smile small, and turned to Takano who said nothing. Takano met emeralds with his own golden eyes, and ruffled his lover's brown locks.

"I'm so glad that you're trying your best. Thank you Ritsu." Takano flashed Ritsu a smile, making a blush spread across his cheeks. Ritsu turned his head away, heart pounding, and thoughts muddled.

"Um…Takano-san…it's been a little over a month now…"Ritsu twiddled his thumbs, and shifted through his seat as Takano continued to drive. Takano's attention was on the road ahead of him, but he gave a short glance at Ritsu as he spoke. "I…I have an apartment you know…and I have to pay my rent and other bills…I just think it's time I go home…" Ritsu kept his eyes on the car floor, hoping saying this didn't hurt his lover.

Takano said nothing. He knew this day was coming. He knew the month was over as of today. And he knew Ritsu had his own place…but they were together now. They were dating. They were in love. And they belonged together. He was afraid that if he let Ritsu go, then maybe he would never come back. Maybe he was just being paranoid, maybe he was being overprotective, maybe he was just overthinking…but he is only doing the things that he should've done eleven years ago.

He should've said 'I love you,' more than just one time, barely audible. He should've been more careful in his actions back then. He should've spoiled Ritsu back then. He should've showered him in kisses and warm embraces. He should've bought him chocolate on White day, a present on his birthday, a special event on Christmas; all these things he should've done, and been able to do. But instead, all he gave Ritsu was unbearable agony.

And it was time he made up for it.

Takano stopped at the red light, and pulled Ritsu by his chin. "I love you Ritsu." He gave a soft, chaste kiss, and ran his fingers through the back of Ritsu's hair. "Move in with me. I'll take care of you." Takano smiled, and gazed into the shocked emeralds before him.

Emerald eyes were wide, and turned themselves away from the hypnotizing golden ones. Ritsu stuttered, "I..I-I, Takano-san…I l-love y-you too…but…i-I don't want to be a bother." Ritsu looked back at the car floor, avoiding any gaze with Takano. "But…we even work together…don't you think you would get tired of me?"

Takano pulled Ritsu back into a kiss, and whispered into his ear, "Never."

* * *

The two lovers walked towards the elevator silently. Ritsu hadn't agreed or declined Takano's offer. But Ritsu knew deep down he really wanted to be with Takano all the time. If he could, he'd tell Takano these things, but everything always seemed to come out wrong. If he tried to explain himself when they fought, he would yell and say things he didn't mean. Though they didn't argue much, (except at work), he knew that the rotten words that blurted out of his mouth through pressure, pained Takano.

Ritsu loved Takano. And Takano loved Ritsu. But something held him back. What was it? Oh yes-they could break up, or cheat on each other. They could realize that after being in the same apartment, that they weren't as compatible as they thought. And where would that leave Ritsu? No where. Absolutely nowhere. Why? His parents wouldn't take him in after what had happened this past month. An-Chan would take it the wrong way. He had no friends. And he was practically broke from taking a month off to recover. And even though the pain was bearable, it still hurt. And he still craved for painkillers. They gave an interesting high.

It reminded him of those ten years he and Takano were apart. All those promises and swears he made. All the crap he got caught up in, and ran away from. He only came back to Tokyo to get away from people in England. Yes, he was a runner. When something hit him hard, he'd hurt it as much as he could and then take off. Disappearing out of sight, out of mind, out of nowhere. Just like he did to Takano.

And that's what held him back from burning down all his bridges.

"Takano-san," He began, taking his hand from Takano's.

".." Takano turned his eyes to the brunette, and waited. Ritsu stopped in his tracks, and nervously began again.

"I'll um….think about it.." He mumbled; Takano tried to keep a slight grin from spreading on his face, but how could he help it? Ritsu was so adorable. He was so cute. He was so loveable. And he loved him, loved him enough to die for him.

"Take as long as you want Ritsu, I want you to be happy." Takano kissed Ritsu's forehead, and they stepped into the elevator. Ritsu was standing nervously, dark shades of embarrassment on his face.

"H-how can y-you say such embarrassing things…?" Takano stood and shrugged,

"I don't think it's embarrassing. It's true. I love you so much that I want you to be happy. I want you to take your time, and I want you to be sure. Of course, I've waited eleven years…" Takano's voice trailed off in a sort of annoyed and pained tone, leaving Ritsu uneasy but secretly amused.

"Well, if you love me like you say you do than I guess you wouldn't mind waiting another ten." Ritsu spoke playfully, laughing at what Takano's expressions or comments would be.

"I would wait. If that's really what you want, then I'll wait ten years." Ritsu's playfulness stopped there. He stood in awe, secretly, and horrifically happy. The elevator did a 'ding,' and the two men stepped out to their floor.

Takano strode to the door, pulling out his keys to unlock it. Ritsu followed right behind, and uneasily stepped into the apartment behind Takano. They both took their shoes off, and Ritsu hurried to the room. Takano watched curiously, but headed towards the kitchen for a drink. Ritsu came out a few minutes later, a full bag in hand, and him shuffling to the door.

Takano watched in silent horror as Ritsu picked up his books, manuscripts on the table and clothes that lay in a pile. "What are you doing..?" Takano tried hard to keep his voice from cracking, but the unwavering in his question seemed to give his fear away. Ritsu looked up from the pile of clothes on the floor, holding a sweater in hand, ready to place it into the bag.

"Oh, I'm getting ready for laundry day." Ritsu smiled, and put the sweater in the bag, and turned back to the books he set near him. "And I'm going to read these. I've been eyeing them for a while but I've never had time…do you mind if I read them..?" Ritsu blushed at his own statement. He hoped he hadn't upset Takano. He just really didn't want to leave a mess all over the house and not pick it up. And he really wanted to read the books that sat next to him, they were some that he read back in high school with Saga-senpai.

Takano sighed of relief, and headed in Ritsu's direction. Ritsu was about to speak again, but found himself in a tight embrace. "Oh Ritsu," He whispered, "I thought you were gonna leave again…" Ritsu's heart pounded. It was loud. So loud, Takano could probably hear it screaming off of the walls.

"Ta-Takano-san…" Ritsu found himself speechless once again, but didn't try to run. His body felt warm cuddled into Takano's chest. He felt safe physically, mentally and emotionally with Takano's broad arms warped around his waist. He was happy.

"Ritsu, I love you." Takano placed a kiss on Ritsu's cheek, and nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck. Ritsu subconsciously wrapped his arms around Takano's neck, and mumbled a thought aloud.

"I want to live with you." Takano's eyes widened, and quickly picked his head off of Ritsu's shoulder. Ritsu blushed madly, realizing he spoke aloud.

"Then let's move in together this weekend. I'll talk to the landlord tomorrow." Takano cupped Ritsu's warm cheek, and smiled at his shyness.

"O-Okay.." Ritsu bit his lip, and shyly wrapped his shorter arms around Takano's neck.

* * *

That night, they lay silently together on the bed. Ritsu rested his head on Takano's chest, wrapping one of his legs around his body. Takano petted the silky hair of his partner, and thought quietly to himself. Ritsu sat up suddenly, giving a short sigh. Takano raised an eyebrow, and he too sat up.

"What is it?" Takano asked concerned. Ritsu turned to face his lover, with great pleading on his face.

"I really wanna read that book." He whined, clenching the blankets in his hands. Takano sat shocked momentarily, then changed to amused quickly.

"Well, why don't you go get it? You can read it to me." Takano smiled, and ruffled Ritsu's hair between his fingers once again. Ritsu smiled and swung his legs over the bed.

"Okay!" He gave a great smile and happily raced out of the room momentarily. Seconds later, he came in with a thick book in his hands, holding it to his chest. He hopped in bed, and snuggled comfortably in Takano's arms. Takano gave a small, happy smile, and listened as Ritsu read the title.

"It's called Passion. By Jude Morgan. It's an American book. Are you sure you want me to read it aloud?" Ritsu watched Takano with curious emeralds. Takano kissed his hair, and nodded.

"I love listening to you read. Please read it to me." He spoke softly, giving a little blush on his cheeks.

"O-Okay," Ritsu nervously, yet excitedly read the beginning of the book. "Prologue: No one is watching the woman on her way towards death. She is seen, unconsciously witnessed. A tall handsome woman in a white muslin gown and red handkerchief shawl walking alone in the October rain…"

Ritsu finished the prologue, and looked up to meet Takano's gaze. Takano smiled at him, and took the book in hand. He read aloud as the first chapter began. "Let us recollect our sensations as children. What a distinct and intense apprehension had we of the world and of ourselves…We less habitually distinguished all that we saw and felt, from ourselves. They seemed, as it were, to constitute one mass…Sorrow is knowledge…Thou are a dreaming things, a fever of thyself." Takano sat quietly, thinking of the words written on the page.

To recollect yourself as a child, and realize that the world is cruel and that people are selfish, it's such a shame. But at the same time, isn't better to realize that love and people are ruthless? Isn't it better to guard your heart before you get hurt? Passion, huh?

"Takano-san, what are you thinking about?" Ritsu spoke softly, and Takano fixed a loving look onto the brunette.

"What do you think of that quote?" He asked. Ritsu cocked his head to the side, the question running deep within his brain.

"Hmm, well I think it's interesting. I used to think that way too." Was all he said. He rested his head back onto Takano's bare chest, and held the ends of his sleeves in his hands.

"What do you mean?" Ritsu smiled, not lifting his head to face Takano. It was silent for a minute, and then he replied.

"The title is 'passion.' Passion about love. About hate, about life. Who knows exactly. The point is, is that the character's are thinking this way because they have been through something that has hurt them and led them to guard their hearts. It says 'Sorrow is knowledge,' But I don't think that. I think it's the other way around. I think that Knowledge is sorrow." Takano breathed lightly, and thought about what was said. He rested his head on the pillow underneath him, and sat the book down on the nightstand.

"I think you're right." He said after a few moments of silence. Ritsu lifted his head again, and watched his lover through the darkness.

"What?" He blushed, realizing he had actually spoken his thoughts without any protest. Takano sat up, and ran his hand through his hair.

"I said I think you're right. I think that it hurts to know the truth. To know a secret that you 'knew' but didn't want to be true. That is painful. And I know you know what I mean. And I'm sorry Ritsu." Takano gave a sad grin, and shifted his way out of bed to the bathroom.

Ritsu sat silently, knowing how much Takano regretted a lot of things…But he couldn't change the past…not the cheating, not the misunderstanding, not the ten year gap, not the painful assault a month ago…he couldn't change those things. They were in the past. And even if he didn't want to remember,

It would be forever engraved in his skin.

Ritsu slipped out of bed, heading towards the bathroom. Hoping he could somehow tattoo the pain on Takano's heart away with a second of sincerity. Ritsu knocked on the bathroom door, and peaked it opened. Light peered out of the crack, and Ritsu could see Takano staring at himself in the mirror. He looked so pained. And the sight caused a wave shock of agony to shoot through his body. What was he really without Takano? Who was he really? He had grown so attached to Takano over the past year of reminiscing, dilemma and acceptance. If Takano disappeared, could he face the dark without him?

Takano didn't look away from the mirror when Ritsu stepped in. The purple, button down shirt Ritsu wore lightened in color. His disheveled hair was exposed, and his emerald eyes grew into more beauty as the light encircled around them. He wrapped his arms around Takano from behind, burying his face into his back.

"I forgive you. So please….forget it. And let's move on…" Ritsu practically begged. He didn't want to see Takano hurt like this. It brought back old demons. Takano didn't move, and he almost held his breath.

"How can you just forgive me? I did something wrong. Very wrong." Takano placed a hand on top of Ritsu's, who's hands rested around his stomach. Ritsu said nothing, but he tightened his grip on his hands.

"I love you Masamune. Please, I-i…I really do f-forgive you…And..i-I know that…I know that you regret it…but I love you….and I can't stand to see you so unhappy…I thought we were happy…I thought that you were happy with me…" Ritsu began to cry, tightening his embrace around Takano. Takano's heart broke at the sudden realization. All this time, he had been blaming himself, and it was killing Ritsu inside. How could he hurt him again? How could he be so blind? He had to fix this, he just had to.

Ritsu choked out sobs, and sniffled. He pulled his hands away, turning back into the bedroom. Takano rushed to his lover's side, pulling him into another hug.

"I'm sorry. We'll move on. I promise. I just didn't know if you hated me.." He forced back unbinding tears, holding Ritsu close. Ritsu looked up into the raven's eyes, and held his hands tightly on Takano's bare back. "Ritsu….can I kiss you?"

Ritsu blushed at the question, but nodded in approval. Nothing more had to be said, for soon enough, they were passionately mouth to mouth.

* * *

Ritsu sat at his desk, tapping a red correcting pen on his chin repeatedly. Work was slow, but there were still obstacles that had to be overcome. He sat quietly, and glanced at the empty chair across the room. Takano had a meeting all afternoon, and wouldn't be back until late.

Ritsu shuffled through papers, trying to find something to occupy his time. Kisa swirled in his chair, Mino napped quietly, and Hatori talked on the phone with one of his authors. All seemed normal. All was normal. Except something continued to bother Ritsu secretly.

His parents. He'd been getting calls and messages repeatedly through the past week. And, of course, he never answered any of them.

Ritsu sighed, standing up from his chair. "I'll be back, I'm going to get a coffee."

"Alright Ricchan!~" Kisa continued to spin in his chair as Ritsu headed out of the office.

Down the hall, Ritsu noticed someone familiar. Someone…Way too familiar….

"Ritsu. Let's go." He flinched at the sound of his father's stern voice, and bit his lip nervously.

"Ah-pa*…" He shifted from foot to foot, and noticed Isaka in the back. "I have work.." He tried to turn to leave, but found himself cornered by two familiar bodyguards. Ritsu turned around, ready to protest to his father, when he was picked up by one of the men. "Ah-pa! I said I can't go! Put me down!"

His father waved goodbye to Isaka, and led them out of the office to the outside. Ritsu protested the whole way, and grew embarrassed knowing that he not only looked ridiculous, but that now he would definitely be recognized as Onodera Ritsu, daddy's little boy now.

Ritsu struggled, but gave in as the man put him inside the black limo awaiting them. His father stepped in, then closed the door. He gestured to the driver,

"To home." He said, and Ritsu shut his mouth. This could not be good….


	2. Chapter 2: Where there is passion

**I actually had a lot of fun writing this chapter!~ I hope you guys enjoy! Please Review, Follow and favorite if you enjoyed it! Tell me what you think! I love to hear your thoughts and opinions! And if I've made any mistakes, I apologize. Thank you~ Happy reading!**

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Chapter 2: Where there is passion..

The sun was setting beautifully near the Onodera estate. The clouds were entrancing with their glowing aspect of another world. Colors of purple and orange streamed throughout the sky dreamily. And the structure and perfectly carved shape of the mansion was enhanced with the view.

Ritsu peered his emerald eyes out the window as they drove up the long driveway. His father sat across from him, silently studying papers in his hands. Ritsu dared not question his father; It was far better to wait for the man's reasonable explanation, if he had one.

The luxurious limo stopped in front of the mansion, revealing the elegant brown doors and stairs to the inside. Ritsu stepped out of the vehicle, sighing at the sight before him.

It wasn't that he didn't like his home. But it was a little TOO much. They could simply live in a cottage and have fast food to survive. They didn't need all these material things. They didn't need the limo. They didn't need all the useless rooms that are never used. They didn't need elegant doors or vases. They really only needed the simple things: food, water, a roof, beds, a kitchen, clothes and shoes. It was almost embarrassing to think that he had never thought of this house this way.

"Ritsu, go say hello to your mother. I'll be in in a minute." His father gestured him away, and spoke on the telephone. The house butler held open the door, stiffening his posture as Ritsu grew closer to the entrance.

"Good evening Young master." He bowed silently, and Ritsu waved his hand, giving his own personal gesture of 'don't bother.' Ritsu stepped inside and took a look around. A grand staircase led it's way up to the second floor, golden drapes hung from the large windows, the floor shined, and the servants awaited his arrival, and stood in a flawless line with their heads bowed.

"Welcome home young master." The head house maid stated. Ritsu acknowledged their presence, but didn't reply. He headed down a particular hall to his mother's drawing room. He was not looking forward to this.

Knock, knock.

"Mother, It's me." Ritsu knocked lightly one more time, and let him self in. He saw An-chan and his mother sitting across from each other. His mother was holding a magazine and An-chan was sipping from a teacup. Ritsu internally sighed. Oh-the dreadful conversation that was going to occur.

"Oh, My Ritsu! How are you darling?" She stood with excitement, and quickly rushed to hug him. Ritsu reluctantly gave her a hug back, and secretly rolled his eyes. An-chan stood, quietly and carefully made her way to Ritsu, holding the sides of her pink, frilled dress.

Her hair was braided sideways, hanging over her right shoulder. Her brown eyes watched him excitedly, and she flashed him a happy smile.

"Ricchan, it's been awhile. How are you recovering?" An-chan held out her arms for a hug, and Ritsu gave a smug, yet uncomfortable look. He embraced her quickly, and pulled away after about two seconds.

His mother smacked his arm lightly, and pointed to the seat behind her. "Sit!" She said, then took a seat next to him.

"Ritsu. We have to talk." She said sternly, and Ritsu whined.

"Mother, please, I don't wanna talk about anything right now. I've been manhandled out of work and I'm really busy. My boss is gonna be pissed." He scratched his head, just thinking about how upset Takano would be at him for suddenly disappearing and not even finishing his work-let alone telling him that he was leaving.

"Ritsu Onodera! Don't use that foul language in front of your fiancé. She's a woman, and I believe in respect." Ritsu sighed with nothing but annoyance. And grunted as she continued. "There are some things that you, me and your father need to discuss. So when he comes back, we will get to the point." His mother threw her index finger around his face, his eyes slightly rolling at the gesture.

"But Mom," He whined. She put a finger to her lips, saying 'ssshh.' Ritsu slouched into his seat, and hoped and prayed…

That Takano wouldn't be too upset…and that this conversation would be over soon….

* * *

Takano walked out of the meeting slightly happy. For some odd reason, he couldn't wait to see Ritsu. For some reason, he just felt extremely happy. His mood felt amazing. The set was setting beautifully, the clouds were fluffy and cute, and work was almost over. And that meant that they could go home, and start moving Ritsu's things into his apartment. Yes, it truly was a joyous day.

Takano stepped into the office, feeling all giddy, when he noticed a certain brunette was missing. Kisa quickly stashed his phone away, and pretended to be focused on typing. Mino left early, and Hatori was correcting a proposal. Which only left one person Takano knew, to have even the slightest idea on where Ritsu could be.

"Kisa!" Takano slightly shouted, causing a scared jump from the 30 year old. He slouched nervously, and turned to face Takano.

"Y-Yes boss?" he said quietly. Takano's face turned serious, and he sternly asked.

"Where's Onodera?" Kisa seemed to slouch even deeper, and avoided eye contact with the demon editor and chief.

"Eh? Um…well…you see.." He trailed off.

"Spit it out!"

"Ricchan said he needed coffee, and left about 30 minutes ago. I went to look for him but he wasn't there! I'M SORRY BOSS! PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME MORE WORK!" Kisa sobbed like a child, pleading dramatically. Takano lifted an eyebrow, and took a deep breath.

"Shut up and get to work." Was all the raven said. He took a seat at his desk, and thought quietly. He pulled out his phone, and typed a message on it.

 **To: Onodera Ritsu**

 **From: Takano Masamune**

 _Where are you?_

He pushed the send button, and silently waited for a reply. He set the phone down, and looked over his work, desperately trying to distract himself from the disappearance of his lover.

A few minutes later, his phone buzzed. He picked it up, opening the new message.

 **From: Onodera Ritsu**

 **To: Takano Masamune**

 _I'm at my parents house, long story. Tell you when I get back._

Takano sighed and tossed his phone half angrily. Things never went well when Ritsu talked to his parents. Ugh-the irritation and doubts always filled his mind in times like these. What could they possibly want now?

* * *

Ritsu's father sat down, and An-chan excused herself just moments before. Ritsu's father crossed his legs and sat back in a sofa. Ritsu's mother stood up and opened a drawer, pulling out a familiar book.

"M-My journal! Mother! Don't snoop through my things!" Ritsu stood abruptly, embarrassed, and stole the book from her hands. He blushed madly, and felt his face go hot and his knees weak. He knew what he wrote in there…..because he wrote….EVERYTHING….

Oh god. If his mother read it…what would she think? What would she do? Oh no, all the times he masturbated thinking about 'saga-Senpai'…oh no…how humiliating! His mother would never let him live it down…Knowing her, she'd probably send him to a rehabilitation center, and hire a hitman…

OOHHHHH NNOOO….THIS WAS BAD! VERY BAD.

Ritsu's mother cleared her throat, and sat up straight. "Now Ritsu," She began, "I found this in your room. I was trying to find that picture of you when you put your foot in your cake, and I found this instead.." She stopped, but he could hear the questions ready to throw themselves out from her mouth. Ritsu squirmed in his seat. He couldn't believe how the day was turning out.

He never even told Takano that he kept logs of his everyday life. Never. In fact, he never told anyone about that….

"Mother, why did you read my diary!?" He almost shouted, nearly dying from embarrassment inside.

"Don't raise your voice at your mother son." His father spoke up for the first time, though not really paying any sort of attention to the conversation. He was too busy going through papers, and writing notes. This was normal. He never really did include himself in family gathering or conversation. It was always about work. Always gone. Always working. That's just the way it was…

Ritsu slouched, nodding to his father's statement. "Yes Ah-pa.." He spoke softly. He only ever wanted to make his father proud. He only ever wanted to get his attention when he was younger. But never once had his father said, 'I'm proud of you.' Or, 'that's my boy.'

But that's all he ever wanted. Was to hear those words. 'I'm proud of you! Good job.' That was another secret reason why he worked so hard, to make his own, to be someone. And just a little bit-just a little…to impress his father.

"Ritsu dear, I know you think you love this 'Saga-Senpai,' but you don't honey. We all know you don't. And I haven't snooped through your things. I only skimmed!" She made sure to point out. Ritsu gave an annoyed expression, hugged his journal to his chest.

"Mother, I just don't like you snooping OR skimming through my things. It's personal. A journal is someone's deepest thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams. It's their mind on a daily basis. Things that make them happy, or sad. That's why im so upset Mother. It's my hopes and dreams in this from when I was twelve to twenty-one." Ritsu sighed and continued, "And mother, We can't control who we love. I can't control who I fall in love with…it just happens. You could be the most straight edged person on this planet, but love will even mess them up. I don't think I love this person…this man…"

Ritsu's mother and father looked at him curiously, intrigued and interested. Ritsu's mother opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Ritsu's suddenly walk to the door.

"I know I love him…Takano-san. I've loved him for eleven years…." He turned to face his mother and father watching him. He stared at them back, emerald eyes meeting the sight of his parents. "I was just afraid of it…Good bye."

Ritsu's parents sat quietly, trying to figure out something to say. But before they could protest, Ritsu was long gone.

* * *

 _Dear Journal,_

" _Love is a want of the heart." Or so I've read…when I read that, I didn't quite understand…and though I realy wanted to, I never could truly wrap my head around that statement. Can you really WANT to love, and choose who you give your love to? Does the heart have a choice? I've come to the conclusion that you cannot simply choose who you love. It just happens. I've also come to realize that even if you say 'I'll never get like that when I'm in a relationship', or 'I'd never cry over a heartbreak,' that we say these things out of fear and recongition. A person can cry, beg, and even hurt themselves over love. A person can become completely jaded after a heartbreak. And even though I don't think that I'll ever expirience that, I know that i could…But…_

 _I've met someone…but not just anyone…No-never in a million years would this be just anyone. This person…this person is, well, a man.._

 _Yes journal, I know it's silly. I know it's absurd. But please try to understand! This man is just amazing. He's so handsome…The way his hair falls into his cat-like eyes, the way he wears that blank, 'I don't give a damn,' expression (^/o/^) AAAHHH! I just get all fuzzy inside when I think about him!_

 _I was reaching for a book, and I couldn't get close to getting it. XC And when all hope seemed lost, a hand suddenly came out to help me. He handed me the book, and our eyes met. (squeals) I looked into his eyes….OOOOOHHHHHH MMMMMYYYYY GGGGOOOOODDDDD! OMG! XD I just couldn't even say thank you…I can't believe…that I fell in love for such a small thing…._

 _But isn't it sad…that we can't choose who we love? That we can't stop our hearts from falling in love with someone that we know we don't have the slightest chance with? As of today, I understand what that quote means…And even though he's a guy…I can help it…_

 _He was just so beautiful Journal…(cries) T-T But I know he'll never like me…let alone remember me..:/ OH well, at least I can sit a watch him from the sidelines.._

 _That's enough isn't it Journal? Besides, it's not like he'll ever remember that I exist…and even though it's sad and cruel, I still wanted to know his name…and when I found it…the name seemed to perfectly roll off my tongue._

 _Saga Masamune._

 _And because he likes books too, I'm going to read everything he does! I swear, by the time I'm finished, I'LL KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HIM MY BRAIN WILL EXPLODE!_

 _Well, I'm going to read the books I checked out. Talk to you later Journal!_

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

Ritsu closed his journal, smiling at how childish the first entry was. He really did love him back then. Every time he saw this boy, 'Saga Masamune,' his heart clenched tightly in his chest. Every time he thought about him, he'd grow nervous, and butterflies would flutter throughout his stomach. Oh, how he wanted to be Saga's. He wanted to be important to him. Just like Saga was to him. He hoped and prayed, that they'd somehow end up together. Saga was his secret haven.

He wrote songs and poems for Saga-for Takano. If Takano read them or had Ritsu play them for him, how would he react? They were probably all mushy-gushy, maybe he'd just snort at him again…but playing a song he'd written for him, was always a fantasy he had.

Who knows, maybe one day he'd let him read the damn journal…just maybe.

* * *

Takano sat wearily on the evening train. The ride home was quite lonely without a certain brunette protesting or sleeping on his shoulder. Maybe Ritsu was already home, but he didn't know. He hadn't heard from him since a few hours prior.

Takano stared at the window, spacing out into deep thoughts. He thought about the book Ritsu read to him the other night. In the prologue, the woman tried to kill herself. For what? Ah, yes, it was for that reason…

For love.

The man whom she loved, claimed to love her as his own wife, though he already had one. And even though she was a mere mistress, she was happy that she would bare his child.

She loved him. She must've really loved him…even though she knew, he was seeing several other, younger women. She gave birth to a baby girl, and she hoped and prayed (to a god she was uncertain existed), that he would give her just a little bit of his heart….

But as cruel as reality is,

It never happened.

The man left her penniless, with child, and she returned home in scandal. A child out of wedlock…Similar to Takano. The father unknown, and yet, the child tries their best to understand.

The woman paid gold and silver to her suicide attempt. She stood at a bridge, placing stones in her pockets to ensure her success. As she jumped, she thought about her life. She thought about how cruel the world is. How judgmental people were. How much of a failure she was. How her child would now be motherless. And how she loved that man…

Takano stepped out of the train when his stop came. He looked up to the starry sky, studying the contents it bore. All of the secret images that hid themselves from the world. Did Ritsu ever want to die when they were apart? Did he ever try to kill himself?

Takano gave a sad smile, and shrugged the disturbing thoughts away. He walked up the hill to his apartment building, sighing at the thought of Ritsu not being home yet. He really hoped that he was. He loved the thought of coming home to Ritsu everyday.

Takano stepped into the elevator, pressing his floor number, and staring at his feet.

That book, he couldn't get it off of his mind. It was called Passion. But what did 'passion' really mean? The said definition is 'a strong and barely controllable emotion.' But is that what it really meant to be passionate? Is it simply a barely bearable emotion that comes up? Or is it something more?

Takano heard the elevator 'ding' and stepped out into the hallway.

A barely controllable emotion? Like love? Well, he supposed it in that way. In school they teach a famous quote from the Athens. Aristotle once said, 'the law is reason free from passion.' But Takano didn't exactly agree on the thought.

If the law was reason free from passion, then wouldn't lawyers and officers be wasting their time for something they didn't really want to do? Lawyers fight for justice. Officers fight for the people. But if they had no 'passion' toward these jobs, then why choose them? Why fight to prove someone innocent if you didn't care? And why protect the community when you frankly don't give a damn?

The thoughts raced through Takano's head, as he pulled out his keys to the door.

Wouldn't you have to have some sort of understanding of intuition to fight for these things? Wouldn't you have to judge based on your beliefs? The law may seem emotionless or neutral, but in the deepest reality, it is rarely ever decided free from emotion.

Passion is a hidden power. A secret. A lying façade, yes. That's what it is. A façade of 'reason', and of sense, and sensibility.

Takano slipped off his shoes, smiling at the sight of Ritsu's messily placed ones. He headed down the hall, peaking in to find his beloved.

"Ritsu?" He called out. He headed towards the kitchen, and saw Ritsu on his tippy-toes, peering into a pot.

"Am I doing it right?" He mumbled. He must not have noticed Takano standing there, for when Takano laughed, he jumped.

"T-Takano-san!" Ritsu stood shocked and embarrassed, but happy to see Takano made it home safely. Takano smiled at him, and pulled him into a kiss.

Ritsu looked down at his feet nervously, blushing at the sudden affection. "I-I um..i hope you'll eat it… I did my best…" He mumbled, twiddling his thumbs. Takano felt a warmness in his heart, remembering the time when he knew that he had begun to fall for this beautiful creature.

"I love you Ritsu…" He cupped his cheeks with his much larger hands, "I love you Passionately."

Ritsu's temperature increased, as did the blush on his face. He said nothing, for Takano had already began to press his lips onto his once again. The sweet sensation made them both lose train of thought every time.

So this….

This is passion? No-this isn't just passion…

This is love.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please review! XD Until next time! 3**


	3. Chapter 3:twisted

**Hey guys! Just a reminder, I will be updating every Friday. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please inbox me or review, ill update you with whatever I can without spoiling anything! :D This chapter was based off of two songs. The first one is called "snuff" by slipknot. The second is called "Rot," by Lacey Sturm from flyleaf. If you want to listen to those songs to understand this chapter better, then please do! Also, I will be writing about the ten year gap for both sides; only then will you understand the severity of the addiction Ritsu has. And we'll learn a little about Takano's past too. Please continue to Read and review! Thank you all so much! To the wonderful reviews I've gotten so far, thank you very much. Im excited for this story! I hope you all who are reading are as well.**

 **Disclaimer: You all know -.- but yea, I don't own it.**

 **Happy Reading!**

* * *

" _Bury all your secrets in my skin.."_

* * *

Chapter 3: Twisted

The sun was setting for the day, as Ritsu made his way out of the bathroom. He held a towel over his brown locks, and frantically tried to soak out the water dropping off onto his skin. Takano stared out the bedroom window, watching the streets from afar. He took a drag of his cigarette, as Ritsu came up beside him.

"I wish you'd quit that." He pointed out, brushing his hair away from his eyes. Takano turned his head to his lover, not saying anything, yet saying so much with the look in his eyes. Ritsu studied this look, and then spoke again. "Takano-san, what's wrong with you?"

Takano shrugged, took another drag, then tossed his cigarette out the window. He turned to Ritsu, softening his expression. "Nothing. I was just thinking about that book. Will you read it to me?" Takano asked sincerely, though partially lying about his thoughts. Ritsu's face brightened up immediately, and he rushed to get the book from the nightstand.

The two lay down, Ritsu rested in Takano's embrace as he opened the book. Takano closed his eyes, listening to the beauty of the smaller man's voice. Every syllable. Every sound. Every word. He hung onto them. They were saying something. Ritsu was trying to tell him something through this book. He had to be.

He just knew it.

"'Loving, Yes: early on she knows what it is to be shaken by love. 'these passionate attachments,' people say, dismissively, and Caroline wants to cry out that 'attachment' is just right, for she is already as sensitive to words as everything else, and when she loves it like a bonding and tearing…" Ritsu read calmly, as he lay still in Takano's arms. He stole a quick glance at the brunette, and for a second, he wondered if Ritsu really had forgotten their past. But if he had, then why did he dream about high school? He couldn't have blocked it out of his memory because of events afterwards, could he? Takano wanted to find out. He just had to.

Takano's mind began to wander elsewhere. So many questions, yet, no clue how to ask them. Did he want to know? Did he really want to hear why Ritsu's 'forgotten?'

He had stated several times that 'memories fade,' and 'I don't remember.' But did he really just erase Saga's existence from this world? Perhaps he only said those things because he really didn't want to think about it. Though it was such a long time ago. OF course memories fade…but then…

Why didn't Takano's?

"'I hate love!, she blurts out, it just makes people cry! I hate it!...It might seem that way, Caro…but-well, never mind. You'll see when you're older…'" Ritsu continued to read, but secretly his mind was travelling elsewhere. He knew Takano wasn't paying attention to him. But he kept on at it anyways, though he had nostalgia coming back to him suddenly.

Takano noticed a quick pause, and took the liberty to ask what he wanted to so desperately. "Ritsu?" Takano lifted Ritsu's chin up to face him. Ritsu blushed lightly, and rested the book on his stomach.

"Y-yes?" Takano wore such a loving expression on his face. He really did love this man. Onodera Ritsu. He was the light to his darkness, the sun in the sky. He was a drop in the ocean, causing a ripple effect all the way through. And though he'd never know it, he was the only thing that kept Takano alive all these years.

Hoping and praying that he'd walk back into his life. Hoping and praying that Ritsu was alive somewhere, and was okay, even if he wasn't. And though parts of Takano wanted to hate this man…

He couldn't bring himself to do it.

When Ritsu first walked into Emerald a year ago, he had a sense of confusion shoot over him. How could a random man, look so similar? Have those big, hypnotizing green eyes? Those luscious, pink lips? The silky brown hair? And how could his name be so close to HIS!? To Oda's? Oda Ritsu wasn't this man….but they were all too similar.

And when he kissed him for 'work,' he actually did it because he wanted to know if it felt like Oda's lips…and to his surprise, they did. They felt like they did all those years ago. And the way Onodera's cheeks turned bright pink when he was shy or shocked, the ripple effect began again.

This couldn't be Oda…could it? No, no way…

But as fate had it, Oda Ritsu wasn't gone anymore. He was back. And he was the one and only Onodera Ritsu, only son and heir to Onodera publishing. It made sense. He had the fiancé. He had the money. He had the looks. He had a similar voice. And he studied in England…everything began to make sense.

And when he kissed him the second time, he knew for sure, this new editor, this man, was Ritsu. HIS RITSU. And there was no way in hell he was gonna lose him again.

"I want to know something." Takano said. Ritsu stared immensely, slightly nervous on what he was asking.

"W-what? What d-do you want to know?" Ritsu asked curiously. He shifted his body as Takano held him, and set the book to the side. Takano thought carefully on how to word his question. Did he really want to know? No.

Wait. Yes…

NO.

YES.

NO!

Yes…

"Why did you forget about high school?," He began, studying the look on his lover's face as he continued, "I understand that you were hurt, but, it's not easy to forget someone you love. Especially your first love. How come you did? I never forgot about you." Takano tried to hide the slight irritation and jealously of Ritsu's apparent selective memory, but it didn't come out as he hoped it would.

Ritsu sat up from Takano's embrace, and gave him an almost pissed off face. "What?" He didn't try to hide the anger that began to arise. Why would Takano ask such a stupid question? Is he saying that he didn't love him enough? Is he saying that he was the bad guy? So he wants to play that game now huh?

"I never forgot about you. So why did you forget about me?" Takano asked again; he too sat up, and stared at Ritsu. Ritsu scoffed and stood from the bed. Takano said nothing, but he too stood from the bed. "Ritsu, I'm talking to you." He almost shouted, though he really didn't want to fight, he wanted to know.

"What are you trying to say?" Ritsu's voice rose abruptly. Takano rolled his eyes, and let out a scoff of his own.

"I'm asking why you forgot about me so easily. I want to know how that works." Takano bluntly threw the statement out there, ready to win this oncoming argument that he started. Ritsu bit his lip angrily and walked into the bathroom, ignoring Takano's question. "OI! Onodera! I'm asking you something! Don't ignore me!" He followed him to the bathroom, where Ritsu opened and closed drawers constantly. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Ritsu slammed a drawer shut and turned to Takano. "Get the fuck out!" He shouted, and turned his attention back to the drawers. Takano looked around irritably; scoffing and chuckling at the rudely addressed request. Takano grabbed Ritsu's wrist, trying to get his attention.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me to get out?! This is MY apartment!" Takano yelled out, and seconds later he realized how badly he fucked up. He clapped his hand over his mouth, trying to take back the last three minutes of his life.

Ritsu stared blankly, and violently pulled his hand away. He said nothing, and headed towards the bedroom once again. Takano followed, trying to think of something to say. "Ritsu, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Just shut up Takano-san." Ritsu put on his pants over his boxers, buttoned up his shirt and pulled out his journal from the dresser. Takano stood in front of the doorway, trying to block him.

"Ritsu, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking." Takano practically begged. He knew he fucked up. He knew those damn, insulting words shouldn't have come out of his mouth. But they did. And how would he fix it? He didn't have a clue.

Ritsu brushed passed him quietly, being small enough to squeeze himself through the crowded doorway. He headed towards the door, and slipped on his shoes.

"Goodnight Takano-san. If it's something work related, please feel free to text or fax me details. Have a good night." Ritsu stepped out of the apartment, taking steps towards his. He pulled out keys, unlocked the door, and stepped behind it without saying anymore. Takano heard the door lock, and he watched silently, angry and upset.

 _Why does he always run away? Wait-why the hell did I say I was sorry? He should be the one apologizing! After all he's done to me,_

Takano scoffed once more, and turned on his heel to the inside of his apartment. He slammed the door shut, and headed towards the kitchen for a drink. He pulled out some alcohol, chugging it down to calm his nerves.

 _After all I've done for him…_

An hour passed, and Takano was already on his twelfth beer. His head was spinning and pounding. And he continuously checked his phone for any missed calls or messages from Ritsu. But as always, there never were.

Takano stumbled to the bedroom, shedding off his shirt. He tossed it across the room angrily, then lied in bed. He threw the blanket over himself, wrapping his body warmly. But then why…

Why did it feel so cold..? Why did it feel like there was something missing?

' _Saga-Senpai,'_

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the voice from his thoughts.

' _how do you know my name?'_

Takano shook his head vigorously, smacking his forehead repeatedly.

'… _I'm in love with you…'_

 _Will it ever be enough?_

Takano opened his eyes, sitting up in his bed. He held the side of his hair depressingly. Ritsu must've loved him so much; the way he blurted it out. It was wrong to ask such a disrespectful question…

But how to apologize? He'd never answer his phone. Text him? No, saying sorry should be face to face. Takano threw off the blanket, and made his way off the bed. He picked up his shirt from the floor, and headed drunkenly towards the front door.

* * *

Ritsu lay in bed crying barely controllably. He snuggled himself into the blankets, sniffling and wiping his eyes every few minutes. He stared at his phone, waiting for Takano to call and try to apologize. Because there was no way he was going to apologize. No way.

Ritsu flipped opened the old journal that lie next to him open, reading a later entry to himself.

 _Dear journal,_

 _I'm so, so, so crazy-happy, stupid. Really, I am. Our hands touched today…But even though I've been planning what to say for three years, I said the dumbest possible thing…_

" _I'm in love with you Senpai." Yes, I blurted out my confession. Journal, call me retarded, or childish, but I am just…ugh. Out of all the things I could've said, I confessed._

 _But even though this was our first time ever actually having a conversation, let alone looking directly at each other, he accepted me. But he was just joking, right? I mean, he ruffled my hair and said that he didn't mind going out with me, but…_

 _What does this mean?_

 _Do I avoid him? Do I run away? Do I hang out with him? No, I should just ask. Oh, but journal, I'm so happy. But I'm so nervous. Could he ever really love someone like me? Is that even possible? And if he does fall in love with me, how long will it last?_

 _Temporary bliss? I can't say. All I know is I want to be with him. Forever and always. Just to be by his side, even if he doesn't care like I do. I don't deserve him…But I want to try to be good enough…And I will be! I promise journal! I'll make him fall in love with me! I'll savor every moment with Senpai._

 _I swear it on my life._

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

Ritsu sighed, tossing the journal away. He stood from his bed, making his way to the bathroom. Though Takano checked his stuff regularly, he never knew about this particular hiding spot. Ritsu pulled out a bottle of pills, opening it to expose the pain killers.

' _I don't deserve him'_

Ritsu shook the thought away, and stared at the pills. He sighed, knowing that even when he started therapy, and Takano took all of his medication away, he never stopped taking them. When he tried to stop, which lasted about three days, he was in unbearable pain. He was constantly vomiting, he couldn't sleep, he constantly had the chills, and his body was always shaking in immense pain.

But just taking the pills wasn't enough. So he developed a different method for a better high…

Ritsu pulled out a few pills, setting them on the counter. He put the bottle away, making sure it's hiding spot would never be exposed. Ritsu left the bathroom with a set of pills, heading towards the kitchen for his task. He pulled out two spoons, setting the pills onto one, and crushing them with the other.

After a few minutes of perfecting this, he excitedly pulled out a bill, rolling it and putting it to the crushed pills.

 _Just one line wont hurt._

Ritsu sniffed up some of the crushed pills, holding his nose for a second, and then doing another. Moments of this was bliss. He felt better already. This was such a great coping skill he develop so long ago. It made sense to use it.

' _..just to be by his side…'_

Knock. Knock.

"Ritt-suu, upen up tha duuurrr.." Takano whined from outside, practically banging on it. Ritsu rolled his eyes, and turned his attention back to the rest of the pile of crushed painkillers.

 _Is he drunk? ...Shit, I need another._

Ritsu snorted more, trying to give his energy to his high, not to his drunk neighbor. Takano whined some more through the door, muffled and angry. Ritsu finished up his task, feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout his body.

"Riittt-ssuuu…Rit-ssu, pleassse." Ritsu stood subconsciously for a minute, completely out of his mind at that point.

He found himself putting the two spoons away, then striding to the door through his half empty apartment. He sniffled a few times, wiping the remaining tears from his cheeks, and opened the door. A very drunk Takano stood, holding onto the door frame for support. Ritsu stared at Takano, but felt nothing but his body reacting to his immense, pleasurable, painful high.

Ritsu sniffled again, holding his nose for a brief moment, then taking it off again. Takano stumbled in, mumbling something inaudible. Ritsu closed the door, not really knowing what he was doing.

"What do you want?" Ritsu half-heartedly asked. He sniffled again, and brushed his hand across his nose. Takano took off his shoes, and gave a immediate, drunk response.

"I c-can't s-sleep.." He mumbled, holding the side of his head. Ritsu let out a sigh. Both full of relief and annoyance. Takano pulled Ritsu into a tight embrace, nuzzling his face into his neck. "I miss you too much." He spoke without thinking. He hadn't been this drunk since his college days. "Come to bed." He spoke, hiccupping in between.

Before Ritsu could give any response, his eyes began to roll back; the high was finally hitting him. The room started to spin around, and Ritsu gripped his hold on Takano.

Takano took Ritsu by the mouth, slipping his tongue into it. Ritsu didn't protest, he was in too much pleasure at this moment. Two sweet sensations he loved the most. Though one more than the other…

But which one did he love more?

Pleasurable, painful high? Or painful, pleasurable, love?...

Ritsu squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden nostalgic moment, forcing a far away voice out of his thoughts.

' _you're twisted Ritsu…just fucking twisted…'_

* * *

 **I'm sorry, this probably sucked ass...:( Thank you for reading. Please review or inbox me, let me know what you think! Next chapter will be up next Friday! Until then!**

 **-jandixjunpyo**


	4. Chapter 4: Why

**There is lemon in this chapter, it's towards the end, but if you don't like it, please skip. Thank you.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own sekai ichi hatsukoi**

 **Review please! Happy reading!**

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Chapter 4: Why

 _Dear Journal,_

 _I've learned two things…the first,_

 _There's a price that we all must pay...the second,_

 _Love isn't real…It's an illusion...It's just a way of hiding our rage and anger towards the world. So we end up fucking up someone else's lives, just so they can feel what we feel.._

 _Whether it be in pain, in hurt, in love, in death…These things are the remaining balances of our debts. We live to fall apart, come back together momentarily, and then die because it wasn't bound to last._

 _Maybe that's the definition of 'love.' People say that they love one another, over and over, but once one of them grow weary or bored, 'love' is a burden they long to get rid of. And all the happy and precious moments are ripped apart in a split second…_

 _That's all it is…Isn't it? But I don't understand…I don't understand how someone, who knows that they've shattered another, can sleep at night._

 _How they can think. How they can live…how they can breathe; Is this all that life is about? To hurt and be hurt?_

 _Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but what was I really? A toy? A burden?_

 _We can't choose who we fall in love with…we can't choose how to feel…We can't change what goes on in our lives…how unfair. How cruel. What a sad, sad fate…_

 _Math, science, literature, I understand these things. But love?_

 _What is that? What is this cruel thing that supposedly is so amazing? I really thought that I meant something…even just a little bit…_

 _I just wanted...i just longed, to have a piece. Just a little piece of his heart…I just wanted to be good enough. But that…that would've never happened, would it?_

 _I'm not being negative…I'm being realistic…_

 _What does it mean to be alive? What does it mean to live and breathe? And why, why does fate have to be so unfair? Why…after giving everything to one person…your hopes and dreams…your heart and soul…why...why does love have to be so ruthlessly vicious? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that. I don't think anyone will ever have the answer to that…_

 _I hate him. I fucking hate him. I hope he suffers twice as much as I am right now. I hope he tries to fill the hole, and realizes that he can't. I hope that when he wakes up every morning, he hopes and prays that he'll get hit by a car. I hope that when he thinks of me, he knows how badly he fucked up._

 _I hope I haunt his dreams at night. And that my presence follows him during the day._

 _I just wanted to die at that moment…I just wanted to whither away into the abyss…a lovesick dumbass…that's what I was. And he knew it. He knew I loved him…Oh what the hell…why do I care? It's been a week since then…I should be over it…I know he is…_

 _Then again…he never was in it to begin with…._

 _It'll be alright…won't it? I'll survive….but why? Why me? After giving him all of me, over and over, why was it never enough? Why do I have to suffer!? I've only done good in my life! Why is Karma being so unfair? What did I do to deserve this…..?_

" _Love is a want of the heart" That's a goddamn lie. We CAN'T choose who we love…no matter how much we don't like it…_

 _These times that we waste, praying that our feelings will be reached. They never will be. And there's no such thing as happily ever after. There's not even such thing as 'true love.'_

 _That's a complete lie. But then why….why is it so easy to long for someone who's shattered you to a billion pieces? Why does it hurt so bad to leave? Why do I feel that if I stay, he'll have an explanation?_

 _Either way, there's no way I'm staying here…Journal, we're going to England this Friday. Two days. Until then._

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

* * *

" _Senpai…"Ritsu held his hands in balls of small fists, nervously trembling from the question he's been dying to ask._

" _hmm?" Saga hummed quietly, holding his unbuttoned shirt in one hand, as the other rested on his thigh. Ritsu's heart raced. This was it. The moment of truth. Now he'd find out if Senpai really loved him._

" _Saga-Senpai…w-we're…g-going out right…?" Ritsu shifted uncomfortably where he sat, preparing himself for an answer._

" _What?" Saga sounded slightly confused._

 _THUDUMP. THUDUMP. THUDUMP._

" _It's because…y-you never say anything…um.." Ritsu's heart pounded._

 _THUDUMP. THUDUMP. THUDMUP._

"…" _Saga didn't say anything. He just stared with the same blank expression he always wore. But Ritsu was a bundle of nerves._

" _Senpai…?...D-do you love me…?" Ritsu smiled to himself at the thought, clenching his unbuttoned shirt together, covering his bare chest._

" _heh.." Saga snorted through his nose, holding his hand to cover the devious smile on his face. It ruined everything. Every precious moment. Every memory…they were all shattered. Right then and there. A million fucking pieces in that room._

' _What? He laughed…Why did he laugh? Does this mean…HE WAS JUST PLAYING WITH ME?!'_

 _Ritsu stood abruptly, causing Saga to shift his blank expression to the angered brunette. Ritsu huffed and swung his leg in a roundhouse kick form at Saga._

 _Saga fell to the floor, holding his head, and groaning. Ritsu shed tears without discretion, running out of the house into the street. He could hear his name being called, 'Ritsu! Ritsu!' But it was all in vein. He would never see that face again._

 _Not as long as he lived._

* * *

 _Ritsu stood in front of the mirror, checking his appearance once more before leaving. He glared into his own eyes through the mirror, trying to force out a smile. But there was nothing. Just pain._

 _Unbearable fucking pain._

" _Ritsu, it's time to go! Are you ready for school yet?" Ritsu's mother called out from down the hall. It had been a week since Ritsu had gone to school. He hadn't eaten, hadn't slept. He just lie on his bed, staring off into space. Almost as if he were replaying only one minute of his life over and over._

 _She knocked on the door before opening it to a dark, lifeless room. "Ritsu.." Her expression sadden immediately. Her only son was at the point of giving up, yet had no clue as to why. She sat at the edge of his bed, as he stared at himself in the mirror. She watched him silently for only a moment, trying to find something to say._

" _I want to study abroad." Ritsu spoke for the first time in three days. And it wasn't the happy, naïve boy that was alive just a week ago. It was someone else. A twisted, broken voice. Full of anger. Full of hate. But why? Why was this happening?_

" _Ritsu…honey, please, tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong.." Her voice trembled. The way his once beautiful emeralds lightened, were now boring into his own skin, sending shivers down her spine._

" _I want to go abroad." He repeated. He didn't turn away, he didn't move. It looked as if he didn't even live. His skin was pale. He smile was destroyed. His once silky locks hung over his eyes shamefully._

 _What was happening to her beloved son?_

" _Ritsu…" She tried to find something to say, to argue with…but what did she know? She wasn't around enough to know anything about her son really.._

 _He turned around abruptly, almost begging with his hidden pained expression. How could she not comply?_

* * *

 _Ritsu walked down a familiar street, staring only at the floor. He walked slow paced; hands shoved in pockets, hair disheveled, eyes dark…how lifeless he looked…_

 _Ritsu walked up to a familiar door, knocking on it a few times. Scurried steps came from the other side of the door,_

" _Coming!" The door swung open, revealing an old friend._

" _Haitani-san.." Ritsu spoke very softly, but his eyes were still averted on the ground. Haitani's eyes widened, and he quickly pulled Ritsu in for a hug._

" _Onodera-kun." He cried out, holding him desperately against his chest. Ritsu didn't move, he stood half-alive, feet firmly in place. Haitani let go after a few seconds, studying his friend's dreadful appearance. "Onodera-kun, please, tell me what's going on. I've called you so many times. I was so worried about you. What happened?" Haitani waited for an answer. But when he received none, he sighed._

" _Onodera-kun…is it…is it…Saga?" Haitani's eyes searched for the answer in Ritsu's emeralds. So many things were lying in those once beautiful emeralds. But now…_

 _They were cold as ice._

" _I'm here because…" Ritsu turned his head to the side, mumbling to his old friend. "I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back."_

 _Haitani's heart stopped. Moments of silence seemed to hang themselves forever, but it was only seconds before he replied._

" _What!? Where are you going!? Why!? Why!?" Haitani's eyes filled with tears. He shook his head, as if shaking it would help it go away. Denial. Such an ugly thing._

" _It's none of your business. But thanks for everything anyway. Goodbye." Ritsu turned to leave. He shoved his hands in his pockets, and headed away from the door. Haitani followed him, continuously shouting for an answer._

 _But none came. And he knew two things._

 _He wouldn't be seeing the light of his world for a long, long time…._

 _And Saga Masamune was going to pay…_

 _Some day…_

* * *

"Ta-Takano-san…" Ritsu panted continuously, begging for him to stop, and for him to continue with pleasure. Takano continued to thrust in his entrance, harder and harder each time. "ahh..uhh Ta-Takano.."

Takano held a hand on the bedframe, and the other on the bed. The room was filled with moans and pants, along with the squeaking of the bed. "Mine." Takano whispered, taking a deep bite of Ritsu's flesh between his teeth. "Mine."

"AAHH, Takano-s-san…AARRGGH..st-stop…it hurts.." Ritsu half-hearted protested, throwing his head back in immense pleasure. He clenched the bed sheets tightly, moaning in sync with each thrust.

"Say my name." Takano sucked on one part of Ritsu's neck, leaving a purplish-pink mark. "Say Masamune." Ritsu's face flushed more than it already was, and bit his lip. Takano thrust harder and harder, stoking Ritsu's erection quickly.

"Aahh…Ma-Masamune…aaahhh…I'm gonna-ahh!" Takano held his breath as he succumbed to the sweet sensations.

The two dropped onto the bed, panting for air. Takano let out a relaxed sigh, bringing Ritsu into his warm embrace. The two lay like that for a long time. Ritsu drifted off into sleep eventually, leaving a closer-to-sober Takano.

He stared at the fluttering eyelids. His lashes resting on his cheeks, a soft pink on his face. He was the only person he'd ever loved. Ever would love. Every will love.

Takano kissed his hair, sitting up carefully not to wake his lover. He brushed his hair from his eyes, and carefully brought himself off the bed without much movement. He stumbled over a pile of books near the bed, and quietly began to place them in an orderly pile.

Takano noticed an unfamiliar book. The teal color was faded, and the edges were worn down. Ritsu must've really enjoyed this book guessing on how old it appeared. Takano looked over the color, running his hand over the cover. He half smiled, and flipped through pages.

But it wasn't just any book…it was all written inside. Curious, he turned to the first page.

' _Ritsu's Journal, DO NOT READ!'_ Takano smirked and mischievously opened to a random entry.

 _Journal,_

 _I can't stop…I just can't.._

 _I know I should…I Know it's been years since then…but I can't stop…I have to do this…to forget…_

Takano hesitated to continue to read, but did so anyways, curious as to what Ritsu apparently couldn't stop.

 _I can't remember the last time I didn't do this…when was the last time? Oh yes, it was then…Five years ago, before Saga-Senpai._

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 **THANK YOU FOR READING! And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEW. Cuz I honestly don't know if this story is any good. I think I might stop it. Idk. Anyways, tell me what you think please and thank you. To all the follows and favorites, You guys rock! It gives me encouragement. I really do hope you like this story.**

 **Anyways, until next Friday! See ya then! :D**


	5. Chapter 5: Curiousity Kills

**I know this is posted a day early, but it was just begging to be posted tonight. XD and Happy late birthday Ritsu!**

 **This has suicidal ideations. Please, if you are not comfortable with the topic, please do not read. Thank you.**

 **Disclaimer: I Do not own Sekai ichi Hatsukoi, sadly..**

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Chapter 5: Curiosity kills

In all curiousness, hopes and fears can be shattered. Yet, all the while, they can be built up higher. Secrets are secrets for a reason, aren't they? Secrets are meant to be contained. Secrets are supposed to be taken to the grave. And pain?

Ah, yes. Pain is supposed to be unbearable. And that's exactly what those ten years for Takano was.

Unbearable..

He spent his years getting drunk and partying just to forget the green eyed man lying in bed. He spent years far from sober, not even remembering that the days drifted by dreadfully slow. He did not stumble. No, he did not fall.

He crawled on his knees, struggling to make it to a better place. Yet, he did not want to make it there at all. Not without HIM. His life was full of nothing more than despair. And when this mere boy stepped into his life, it seemed that the world was lost when he fell out of it. Who would fix him now? Who would do anything for him? Who would spend their days, asking for his love when he pretended to sleep? Who would look at him with that beautiful flushed face? Who would get so happy, and smile widely just to see him? No one.

At least, no one that he wanted..

Takano found himself thinking about those days. The times where he would vomit out a lung from drinking too much. The times where he would take women and men home to try and forget Ritsu's face for a while. But even then, it was too hard. He couldn't forget. And even if there were times that he thought he was fine, he'd fall right back down to his knees within seconds, realizing that it was only momentarily again. Sometimes he'd try forget the memories so much, that he'd forget why he needed to in the first place. He knew that Ritsu was the only thing in his life that he had actually began to believe in. Began to have faith in.

Began to love..

Takano sighed off the weight on his mind, and found himself quite curious to continue to read the entry. But if he read it, what could happen? How would Ritsu react if he knew that he read it? What would he say? And more importantly,

Did he really want to know the truth?

Ritsu stirred in his sleep, shifting from one side to another on his bed. He mumbled something inaudible, then quietly lay once again. Takano watched his lover for a minute, studying his appearance. He looked so happy, so peaceful when he slept. What did he dream about? Why did he always smile in his sleep? There were so many things they had yet to learn about one another. And he still had no idea on how to learn them.

Takano shifted his loving gaze from his lover, and back to the journal before him. He took a deep breath through his nose, then began to read the entry once again.

… _it was before Saga-Senpai…before he dumped me…_

 _The sad thing is, I don't remember much from that time. It seems like I've forced myself to block out all the memories. But I think that the saddest thing about this, is that I still haven't forgotten the pain. And what he meant to me…_

 _After that day, I decided on coming here, to England, where I fit in with everyone. I can have anyone I want…men and woman…yet…._

 _I still don't want any of them.._

Takano felt sad at the statement; not wanting any of them? He knew that all to well. No matter who he was with, man or woman, they could never compare, not to Ritsu. Maybe finding this journal was a good thing. Maybe it would reveal the truth, the actual truth behind all these years of abandonment and suffering. Maybe this journal would connected them even more so, understanding and accepting each other more and more.

 _It's been five years since then. You would think that I'd be over it…But I'm not. It was England that has brought my restless heart at ease. And by ease, Journal, you know what I mean…_

 _Yes, THAT. I found myself wanting more than just cocaine recently. I want something better than that. Recently I've been sniffing pain killers. They actually give an amazing high. And maybe I'll never forget Saga, but I'll always have these things, wont i?_

 _These things are my friend. My savior. My life. They make me happy. They keep me going. Who needs Saga? Not me…NO!_

 _Not me.._

Takano stiffened at what he had just read. He shook his head slightly, rereading it several times over. Was this true? Did he really use to do these things? Maybe that is the reason he can't remember? Takano flipped back several pages, scanning different entries quickly. He searched for answers.

But then the same question he thought about not to long ago came into play. Did Ritsu ever wish to die?

Takano flipped about 20 entries backwards, and began reading it.

 _Journal,_

 _I have experienced true terror. I now know the meaning of fear…I have experienced the true vision of death; all I know is one minute I was fine, and the next, I was in a hospital bed. My heart raced. My vision blurred. My body shook. My eyes rolled back, turning black before I knew it. I had closed my eyes, and I remembered the saying, 'you see your life flash before your eyes when you are about to die,' and I saw…_

 _HIM.._

 _Saga-Senpai…_

 _When I closed my eyes, everything seemed to slow down. It was as if I was watching myself relapse, piercing me repeatedly with their calls. I can't sleep…I can't eat…I am at loss for reason. Everyone tells me to fake it so I can get out of here, but how can i? My body is shaking tremendously._

 _I just want to cry out that I am fine and to leave me be. I want it…I NEED IT. How else do I forget? I used to use pain as an escape, but as of now, I'd rather have my head in the clouds and sleep with whoever I can instead of bleeding from a severe wound._

 _I wonder if he even remembers me…? Thinks of me? Wonders? Does he? No, he wouldn't, would he? He's probably having the time of his life. Partying, drinking, fucking around with whoever he pleases…_

 _I guess he and I aren't so different after all…_

 _We'll always be the fucked up people in the world. The ones who hate to love. And love to hate. The ones who live to hurt others. And hurt others to live. We are the same. WE are cruel._

 _No one ever tells you that love is like no other drug or suicide attempt. You don't need a pill or a gun to die, just fall in love. And you will. I promise you that…_

 _-Onodera Ritsu_

Takano was tempted to close the journal, but at the same time, he felt he should skip back more. The missing pieces of Ritsu's memory were all in here. Every last bit. He wanted to burn them into his memory, then forget them. He wanted to know. But he wanted to change the written truth.

Did Ritsu remember any of this in here? Did he remember all these drug relapses and apparent suicide attempts? Should he even ask?

Takano felt the need to flip backwards more, opening to three years after their breakup, to the date. He reluctantly began to read, yet intrigued by the first line.

 _Journal,_

 _As I prepare to take my life, I feel it very much needed to assuage any guilt or pain I have introduced in this act through this letter. It is not the fault of anyone…_

 _Not of me._

 _Not of my parents._

 _Not of my friends._

 _Not of my life. Only,_

 _OF HIM._

 _I awoke early, darkness still lingering within the air. And yet, it was only me in the room…but, I felt his presence. And once I had awoken fully to this, I saw his form. Leaning against the wall from my bed, his eyes hollow and cruel. The eyes I once adored, have now become anguish in hatred and rage. I heard his voice; I heard him speak._

' _Ritsu, Ritsu,' The last call of my name I heard before I left here. I can't sleep. I am too afraid. I do not wish to see it again. NO,_

 _Not those eyes…please. Please, not those eyes. I am fearful to what I may awaken or fall into sleep to next. I don't want to wake any longer. I want to disappear. And It's all his fault. If he would've just loved me…if he would've just said he loved me, even a little bit…i….i…._

 _Make it stop.._

 _Make it Stop! Make it stop! I can't stop dreaming of his face. I can't stop dreaming of those eyes. Kill me. Kill me please. I can't take it. I can't do this. Everything's becoming too much to bear…Kill me. Somebody kill me, please._

 _I am begging…I've started drugs to even ease the pain…but still, I dream. Still, I yearn. Still, I suffer. And every night, I hear myself, I hear the sound of my own voice, asking him to stay…reaching out my arms to touch him._

 _But why..? He is not here. And he did not love me…He left me. He destroyed me…he murdered me. I wish to die…_

 _I live in a world of chaos and mayhem. In cacophony and dark saturnalia. I live each day as if it were my last, and yet, I do not wish to live at all. It is said that thought is the most powerful thing that exists-anything conceivable can be produced. And that is what is so frightening about being human._

 _Our minds tell us one thing, and our hearts tell us another. But how do I decide on what's right? How do I know that I want to die? Do I want to die?_

 _Sometimes, I wish I was never born…so then, I wouldn't have to feel this unbearable pain. If I die…it may not be an accident, even though it may look like one. Losing him was hard…and though it's been three years since then, I still haven't gotten over it. I always thought about Saga-Senpai…he was my first thought in the morning and my last before bed. I loved him…damn it, I still…I still love him…Even after all this time, not seeing him, not feeling him, not hearing his voice…I see him everywhere. I feel him everywhere. I hear him everywhere…_

 _It hurts to know that he didn't, and still doesn't care about me. OR what we could've had. He's probably forgotten.._

 _And I've tried so very hard to be okay with this…_

 _But im not…I thought I was okay…I thought coming here would ease the unfathomable pain clenching itself in my heart. I thought that I could stand on my own two feet again, stronger than before…_

 _But here I am. Stuck with addiction, with pain, with heartache. I thought I was doing okay…but now, I know now that I am mad. I can't go on like this…_

 _I love you Journal. Thank you for allowing my pitiful being to use your leaflets as an outlet. Thank you for being my only true friend. And I hope whoever finds you, treats you right. Writing in you, storing you, keep you for their own selfish needs, just as I have._

 _This…this is the end…Maybe in the next life I'll have a better chance at happiness.._

 _Just maybe._

 _-Onodera Ritsu_

Takano sat silently for a long while. Reading the truth, reading his way through Ritsu's past, was endearingly frightening. He almost wanted to cry. The words on this page, he hoped that they weren't real. That he was just imagining this type of entry. But no matter how he looked at it, Ritsu Onodera, the one sleeping in bed, had a tragic past. But who saved him? Who sent him to the hospital? Who took care of him? And where was this person now?

Takano felt a slight beam of jealousy. Though it was ignorant and childish of him, though years past since then, why did he feel like he was the only one who could have Ritsu? This person was forgotten about perhaps?

Someone he did not remember? Or chose not to remember? But what difference did it make? He would never open up about this. The addiction, the pain, the suffering, this person…The entry had made him wonder, if Ritsu was this addicted back then, could he still be now?

Takano stood quietly, placing the journal underneath the mattress, out of sight, out of mind. He tip-toed out to the living room, leaving the door slightly cracked. He found himself standing in the doorway for a long time. He turned to see Ritsu giving soft snores, snuggling into the blankets for warmth. Takano leaned his head against the doorframe.

He stared at the brunette. He thought of nothing, but of everything. He wanted to kiss the man awake, telling him how sorry he was, crying and apologizing for everything. But at the same time, he wanted to be angry. He wanted to know why. Why do this? Why leave his journal out in the open? Why wish to die? Why try to kill himself? Why?

Why?

….Why…?

Takano sniffled lightly, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He felt a warm tear cross his cheek from his eye, dripping down to the floor. He did not dare wipe it away. What was the point? They were only going to fall down even more so. The tears began to flow out continuously. Without fault, they dripped down his cheeks, falling off of his chin onto the bare floor.

Takano did not move. And he daren't make a sound. He'd never tell Ritsu.

He'd never tell him…

That these entries have broken him into a million pieces…

* * *

Ritsu smelt the fresh scent of breakfast, awaking him from a nice slumber. He sniffed the air multiple times, rubbing his stomach in great anticipation of the food awaiting his arrival. He threw his legs over the side of the bed, stumbling to the bedroom door.

Ritsu stretched a minute, then made his way out to the living room, where the brilliant scents took wave. He spotted Takano in the kitchen, stirring something with a spoon. Ritsu smiled to himself, wondering how this even happened. He never thought that they would meet again. He never thought that the one person he swore he would never love again, would be standing in his kitchen, cooking him a meal.

It was scary. But it was exciting. It was happy, but it was fearful. What if someone came between them again? His parents? An-Chan? His past…

What if those things got out?

NO! They couldn't. He wouldn't let them.

Ritsu swore at that moment, watching his lover taste his food, that he would never let Takano know the truth. Not the addiction. Not the suicide. Not the pain. Not the pleasure. Not the person who saved him…and not the fact that it was only to keep him by his side.

Ignorance is bliss..

Ritsu sighed, and brushed his hand through his bed head. He began taking light steps toward the kitchen, when he heard the doorbell.

DING-DONG.

Takano and Ritsu both turned to the door, staring at it curiously. Who could be at the door this early in the morning? Ritsu looked at Takano, giving him the signal that he'd answer the door. Takano nodded, and began serving their breakfast. Ritsu hurried to the door, running his hands quickly through his hair before answering it.

DING-DONG.

Ritsu took a deep breath, and opened the door to someone he did not expect.

"Ritsu," the man said, "It's been a long time."

* * *

 **Okay. To be honest, I freaking cried writing the beginning of this chapter X'C I was like, (T-T) The feels. I hope you found this chapter to your liking. Cuz it took a lot of courage to write it without breaking down in the process. Please give a review or inbox me, tell me what you think. Please and thank you.**

 **Until Next Friday! :D And i know it's early everyone! I just had too xc hope you liked it :)**


	6. Chapter 6: Think of me fondly pt 1

**I know it's going kinda slow, and it might suck, but this is pretty important so I have to put it in there. XD I'm sorry. My story is totally shit. .-. Anyways~ happy reading. I hardly ever get any reviews, so I won't ask for any haha. Lol. But to all the people who follow and favorite this story, thank you for your support. I'll do my best not to let you down! And I even made this chapter soooo much longer than the rest! Hope u like it. :D**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Sekaiichi Hatsukoi**

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"Nothing safe is worth the drive.."

* * *

Chapter 6: Think of me Fondly pt. 1

' _What does it mean…to love someone? How do you know...if it's right? Why do we humans, try to take something beautiful, and turn it into a monster? Why do we do that?..._

 _Why did he do that?..' Ritsu straightened out his papers on his desk, preparing to leave the half empty classroom._

" _Hey there, You're the new guy right?" A wavy haired-blonde held out his hand to Ritsu. He smiled happily, making Ritsu slightly uncomfortable with the sudden situation. He just wanted to live a simple, quiet, lonely life. He didn't want friends, because he didn't need friends. They were all fake. Why put your trust into people who would stab you in the back anyway? Well, fake friends stab in the back._

 _But true friends and companions stab in the front… Just like Saga._

" _uh..yea." Ritsu bluntly stated. 'please go away…' He thought, packing away his papers into his bag. The blonde continued to smile, and stared at Ritsu with his ocean blue eyes._

" _It's Bates. James bates." Ritsu tried to keep from making a rude expression, and reluctantly took James' hand to shake. James pulled his hand away afterwards, placing them in his pockets. "And you are?" Ritsu contemplated for a second. Tell him his name? Or walk away? Well, he couldn't just be rude could he? Well, they would probably never talk again anyways.._

" _Onodera Ritsu." Ritsu zipped up his bag, throwing it over his shoulder. James face went from smiling, to shocked in a matter or seconds._

" _OH, you're from Japan aren't you!? That's rad dude. What's it like over there?" James was excited, for god knows what reason. Ritsu gave a slightly confused look, and glanced around the almost empty classroom._

" _Um…It's um..just like here I guess..?" Ritsu found himself baffled at the odd slang used. But he tried his best to understand it. "I don't really know how to explain it." Ritsu thought of Saga's face, then quickly shook the disturbing, painful memory away._

" _Oh. Well, why the hell are you up here? It's probably so much cooler over there. Do you guys have Kentucky Fried Chicken over there now? I heard that all you guys eat is rice and fish. Is that why you guys have such clear skin? But wait, you have green eyes! Are you even Japanese? You look English or something. Are you Irish? No wait, you look American? Are you American?"_

 _Ritsu blushed in embarrassment, not knowing what to say, let alone do. He was fifteen, and he only ate PandaWay ONCE. What is this 'fried chicken?' Well, chicken obviously. But FRIED? Sounds sickening. What the heck did they eat over here!?_

" _Eh, um…well…i-I don't know.." Ritsu stuttered, heart pounding at all he sudden questions pounced on his at once. James stood coolly, and smiled from ear to ear. Ritsu's face grew warm, bringing a light pink to appear on his cheeks. James chuckled quite loud, startling Ritsu with how beautiful he was when he laughed._

" _Hahaha, well now I know not to ask so many questions at once." He brushed his hair away from his face, and placed his hands on top of the desk where Ritsu sat. Ritsu found himself slightly pulling back into his chair, in fear of being to close in personal space. James studied him carefully, boring his ocean eyes into the emeralds. "Let's go for some food. I'll show you what Kentucky Fried Chicken is." Ritsu was about to reject the offer, when he felt his arm being pulled towards the door._

" _B-But.." James turned to face Ritsu, with a genuine smile on his face. Ritsu blushed at how good looking the blonde really was._

" _Please let me do this for you.." He stated, turning his head back around to the exit. Ritsu was about to ask what he meant, but decided not to when he noticed how broad his shoulders were. And who they reminded him of.._

' _Saga-Senpai…'_

* * *

The door was held opened, revealing a shiny, wavy haired blonde at his door. Ritsu blinked his eyes several times before realizing who it was. The man flashed a smile, and held out his arms.

"Ritsu, it's been awhile. Give me a hug." Ritsu's eyes grew wide; he felt both anxious and happy. He nervously stared into ocean eyes, before being pulled into a tight hug from the man. Ritsu stood still in the man's arms, entranced with his presence. "Ritsu," the man whispered again, "It's been so long…"

…..

…..

Ritsu served the man a cup of tea, and set it down in front of him carefully. The man glanced around the messy apartment, smiling at the nostalgia coming forth. Ritsu laughed sheepish, and took a seat across from the man. All the while, Takano sat curiously, and upset at the random man who disturbed their peaceful morning.

"Um…James…w-what are you doing here?" Ritsu finally asked, shifting from side to side in his seat. James took a sip from his cup, and nodded as he set it down. Takano's eyebrows knitted together, frustrated at his lover referring to this stranger by his first name. He didn't even call him by his first name…who was this guy? And what was he doing here?

"I was waiting for that question." Was all that was said. Takano was surprised at how well the man spoke Japanese. But James and Ritsu stated nothing more, allowing an odd silence form around them. James seemed satisfied with his arrival, and the moments following them. As for Ritsu, the aura was nonetheless awkward.

He contemplated whether or not to ask again, or to grow angry or to be happy. What was the reasonable thing to do? Was it alright to still be angry even after all these years? Was it okay if he allowed this former friend to sit on his messy couch? So many questions, and not enough answers.

" _Ritsu,"_ James began again in English, not even introducing himself to Takano, who still sat ultimately confused at the situation. _"I've been searching for you after that day…"_ Ritsu stiffened a little, and Takano noticed this. He glanced at the blonde sitting across from them, picking up his cup for another drink. Ritsu knew exactly why this former stranger was in his living room, sipping tea, and speaking as if nothing had ever occurred to cause him to run. Though, in his deepest heart, he did not want to discuss it any further.

" _-I don't want to hear it, please. Let's not get into that…"_ Ritsu replied in English, cutting him off. Ritsu felt his heart burst into a pounding. A retched anxious feeling swiveled throughout his blood, boiling in hatred and hurt. But was it really his place to be so angry at this man? No, if anything, the man, should be the one to hate him. And truthfully, Ritsu wished that he did…but he knew, he didn't.

Takano felt slightly left out in the English conversation and the awkward atmosphere. Then again, he wouldn't dare leave Ritsu alone with some random guy he knows. Takano glared barely tolerably at the blonde. James noticed, and he too studied Takano to his fullest.

Ritsu read the atmosphere, and did a sheepish laugh. "Heh, okay, I think it's time for both of you to leave." Ritsu stood from the couch, straightening out his wrinkled shirt. James and Takano's stare between each other did not falter.

Ritsu stood uncomfortably, pulling Takano up by the arm. "Takano-san," He pleaded, tugging his arm towards the hallway to exit, "I'll go over when I'm done." Takano stood firmly in front of the door, staring at him possessively. Ritsu couldn't help but blush at the expression. He tried to turn away, but found himself being pulled into a sweet, jealous kiss.

Takano hesitated to leave, but decided it was far better to trust the brunette, and simple replied with a "You better," and then left out the door.

Ritsu stood awkwardly at the door for a moment, then stiffly made his way back into the living room. He saw James snickering at a pile of clothes and papers in the corner-in which he had yet to clean. "Hey, Hey Ritsu! You still don't pick up your clothes huh?" James wiped a fake tear away, and dumped himself back onto the couch. Ritsu gave a glare, but sat down without a word.

"So, Ritsu," He began in a more serious tone, "I can see you're still into it.." James smirked behind his hand, looking towards the kitchen and around the area. Ritsu said nothing, but he clenched his hands into tight fists.

"W-what do you mean..'IT.'" He asked, though he already knew the answer. James glanced at Ritsu from the corner of his eye, then removed a tiny packet of white powder from his pocket.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure if 'IT' is this, but I brought a ton all the way from England, Just for you." Ritsu tried to keep his eyes from the packet, but how could he resist such a tempting offer? He stole a glance, and felt his pulse race just a tad faster at the sight.

"tsk," Ritsu barely trusted his voice to answer, but spoke anyway. "I-I don't do that stuff anymore.." James smirked, and slid his arm over Ritsu's shoulders, whispering lightly into his ear.

"You always were a terrible liar.."

* * *

" _SO! What would you like to order?" Ritsu stiffened, and barely blushed at the question. He felt a twinge of pain in his stomach. This scene was all too familiar. Except there was once difference… This wasn't Saga-Senpai with him; it was a stranger. And..Saga never showed any emotion-ever. But this guy…_

 _James nudged Ritsu's arm lightly, snapping him out of the painful thoughts, and encouraged him to choose to his liking. Ritsu felt very nervous, last time he did this, Saga was there to-_

' _NO! Stop thinking about that bastard! You know he's moved on! So get over it Ritsu! Don't be dumb! Don't be du-'_

" _Ritsu?" James waved a hand in front of his face, once again, sending him back to reality._

" _Oh..e-eh…um….i-i…" The employee and James stood patiently, but secretly questioned why he was so nervous to say what he wanted. James lifted an eyebrow, then placed a gentle hand on Ritsu's shoulder._

" _It's okay. How about I order something and we'll see if you like it?" Ritsu flushed, a little embarrassed, but nodded his head in agreement._

 _The two sat outside, feeling a light breeze run swiftly through their hair. The sun was still high in the sky, but the white clouds covered it almost completely. Ritsu's mind wandered back to two weeks ago._

' _do you love me..?'_

 _James noticed Ritsu's appetite was very small, studying how miserable this Japanese beauty looked. "Hey," He called, barely louder then a whisper. Ritsu shot his head up, meeting the ocean eyes with his emeralds._

 _James stared into the emeralds, trying to find some type of life in them. "Are you not hungry?" He asked, not knowing what else to. He didn't know this guy, he couldn't just expect to ask him about his past._

 _Ritsu's eyes widened, and he let out a nervous chuckled. "Oh, um, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm sorry.." For a few moments, nothing more was exchanged between the two._

" _A penny for your thoughts?" He asked curiously, folding his hands together, then resting his chin on them. Ritsu stared confused, cocking his head to the side._

" _A..p-penny for my thoughts…?" His facial expression showed how mind boggled he was at the statement. James chuckled, taking a sip of his Pepsi._

" _It means, I'll listen to you rant." Ritsu's shoulders stiffened, and he shifted uncomfortably in his chair._

" _W-well…um…it's not so easily spoken…" He muttered. James did a small smile, looking up at the light blue sky. Ritsu noticed his blonde hair blow gently with the wind, and his eyes lightening up with the rays of the sunlight._

' _why does he look so content..?' Ritsu thought partially angrily._

" _I know we just met, but.." He began, not taking his eyes off of the sky. "I think that if you don't ever face it, it'll just come back as a bigger problem later on.." Ritsu's eyebrows furrowed together, and he looked down at his feet._

' _Is that what I'm doing?..Running? Am i…running?'_

 _James smiled small, and propped his arm over the back of the neighboring chair. "I won't pry. I know it's not my business. But I can tell by the look in your eyes that you've been hurt."_

 _Ritsu's bottom lip quivered, remembering the heartbreaking incident with his beloved Senpai. 'Saga-Senpai…' He clenched his fists tightly, repeating the name in his head over and over._

 _James noticed a change in Ritsu's expression, seeing his lip quivering and his shoulders shaking. "Ritsu.."_

"…" _Ritsu stared at his black tennis shoes, trying to hold in the pain. But it was no use. The destroyer's name rolled off his tongue. "Senpai. Saga-Senpai…"_

 _James heard the name, but didn't press any further. He stood from his seat, pulling Ritsu's arm up for him to stand. Ritsu stood compliantly, and was pulled into a comforting hug._

" _I-im tired…"Ritsu sobbed, "I'm so sick…and tired…of f-feeling so sad…s-so broken…" Ritsu subconsciously took hold of James' shirt, sniffling and sobbing barely controllably. He was tired of crying. He was tired of hurting. He was tired of that damn name. Saga. Saga. Saga. Saga._

 _But it wouldn't fade. It wouldn't go. He'd given him everything. Heart, body and soul. But in the end, he was just being toyed. Like an experiment. He should've never thought that he had a chance. He should've never let his heart get the better of him. People away say to follow your heart, but they never tell you to take your head with you…_

" _Ritsu," James stroked the silky brown hair, and smiled sadly to himself. They didn't even know each other..they barely knew each other's names..All he wanted was to show the new guy what fried chicken was. And instead, he ends up having a troublesome weight placed on his shoulders. But why? Why did he care so much? He never cared. He just liked to hit it and quit it. But then why, why when he looks into those far gone emerald eyes,_

 _It feels like he's being stabbed over and over?_

 _This was dangerous. No, not just dangerous. It was treacherous. It was a steep slope, that could easily kill you in an instant. It was like driving a hundred miles an hour and realizing that there were no brakes._

 _But he couldn't stop himself from wanting to hold him until the pain went away. He couldn't bring himself to tell him 'toughen up, shit happens.' He did it with everyone else. So why not this one..?_

" _Do you want to forget?" Ritsu listened to the low voice in his ear, slowly looking up from the ground. Last gentle tears slid down his cheeks, as he watched the blonde in anticipation. James stared somewhere in the distance, preoccupied with confusing thoughts about the brunette. He spoke without thinking. Why would he want this poor kid to get involved in his addictions and likings? Why would he want him to forget so bad? And why did he want to see a smile from him?_

" _w-what…?" Ritsu was eager to know this secret. He wanted to forget. He wanted to move on with his life. James' eyes stared into Ritsu's deeply, resisting the urge to squeeze him in his arms._

" _I asked if you want to forget?" Ritsu slowly nodded, wiping a tear away with the back of his hand. James grew a smile on his face once again, pulling Ritsu along with him to their new destination._

* * *

Takano paced around the kitchen. He was feeling very jealous at the moment. Ritsu was definitely going to get it when he came over. Damn, why did he leave again? Well, Ritsu does need his space, but-wait. What did they say in English?

Fuck. He should've paid more attention to those English lessons he took in high school.

"Damn it, where is he?" He sighed impatiently, almost ready to go over there and take him away. But he had to keep his cool. He couldn't look like he was a jealous, over-protective, sadist who is very possessive over Ritsu. Because he wasn't.

Was he?

…

…well shit, maybe he was. But even then, was it right to go over there demanding answers? But maybe that wasn't the question. MAYBE, the real question was, does he have reason NOT to trust Ritsu with this guy?

Takano stood still momentarily, then made his way towards the bathroom. He threw some cool water on his face, then dried himself with a small towel. He stared at himself in the mirror, thinking back to a month ago. All the problems with Haitani, his parents, An-Chan. And only one out of those was solved. Plus the addiction Ritsu grew. Well, he's clean now.

Takano raised an eyebrow, thinking carefully for a moment. He said he was taught coping skills to resist the temptation..and he took all access to medicine. He couldn't-he wouldn't. Right?

Takano sighed, and made his way out of there, into the bedroom, staring at the book on his nightstand.

"Passion." He mumbled the title, thinking back to the story. If there was any part that stood out to him the most, it was the prologue about that woman, who was 'on her way towards death, seen but unconsciously witnessed..' It was almost as if, she was so determined, that when it came down to it, it seemed like there was no one there to save her. ' _some passionate ties in here though..'_ Takano thought to himself.

Then he remembered.

She placed stones in her pockets, preparing herself to jump off of the bridge. That's when all of her traumatizing memories came into play. Her child out of wedlock, her being a mistress to a married man. Her neglecting parents. Her broken and shattered life. Torn between love and ideals. Love and opinions. Love and reasonable logic. Love and fucked up reality. Love. Love. Love.

And it was that ruthless, demanding, unbearable love that made her jump to her death.

But…

She didn't die. People drove to rescue her. And if she could be saved, so easily, after planning and paying for her suicide, it's because people cared. Because people _loved_ her. Her child _loved_ her. And there was a man who _loved_ her. Perhaps there was a god looking out for her..a god that _loved_ her…But…what about Ritsu? What happened to Ritsu?

Takano set the book down, and took a seat on the edge of the bed. He found himself staring directly at the title once more… _Passion._ He quietly thought to himself. Thinking about how difficult Ritsu had been lately..and the journal…

Takano ran his fingers through his raven hair out of frustration. If she was rescued, then that must mean someone rescued Ritsu, Right? Could it be that man? But then, how did an ignorant, naïve, 15 year old like Ritsu, become so addicted to drugs by the time he was 18?

' _nothing adds up..'_ He thought.

Then he face palmed himself for not reading the entire journal when he had the chance. Where was it again? He stood from the bed, trying to remember where he last seen it. If Ritsu got ahold of it then there was no way he could go back and reread to find out the truth.

But at this point, it was a give or take. He _needed_ to know.

Takano stood from the bed, determined to get ahold of the journal, and to get Ritsu to tell him about the man in his apartment.

RRRIIINNNGGG. RRRIIINNNGG. RRRIIIINNNGGG. RRRIIINNNGGG.

Takano looked around the room, listening for the familiar ringtone echoing off the walls.

RRRIIINNNGGG. RRRIIINNNGGGG. RRIIINNNGGG.

He headed towards the bathroom, listening as the sound grew louder.

RRRIIINNNGG. RRRIIINNGG.

He picked up a pair of pants from the bathroom floor, taking out Ritsu's phone from the pocket.

RRRIINNGGG.

Takano opened it, answering it before the call ended. "Hello?" He asked calmly, realizing he didn't bother to check the caller ID before answering.

"Ritsu! Come home at once! And bring that Saga Masamune with you! If you don't come, you're going to have one hell of a ride here! I expect you here on Saturday!" Takano pulled the phone away from his ear, surprised at the yelling coming from the other side of the line.

"Uh," He cleared his throat, trying his best impersonation of Ritsu on the phone. "Heh, um, o-okay Mother." The line was silent, and Takano stood, quite pleased with his acting skills.

"Are you drunk?" Takano was taken back at such a question. What an insulting thing to say.

"Huh? Oh, no mother. I-I'm just busy…" Takano tried to find something to say. What would Ritsu say? Oh, to hell with it. "We'll be there! Okay, g-gotta go! Bye mom!"

Takano shut the phone before there were any further questions. He sighed, tossing the phone on his bed, and then studying the book on the nightstand once more.

"Takano-san?" A voice called out. Takano headed out to the living room, seeing Ritsu taking off his shoes at the genkan.

"Well, it took you long enough." Takano strode to him, waiting for some type of explanation on why kicking out that random blonde took 10 minutes. Ritsu finished slipping off his shoes, and sniffled, holding his nose for a few seconds. Takano took note of this, but shrugged it off. There was something else he needed.

"I forgot my car keys in your bedroom, I'm going to go get them." Ritsu stood silent, but didn't reject the idea.

"Eh? Um…well..okay…" Ritsu pointed to the living room, avoiding his blushing face from Takano's. "I'm going to get coffee." Takano smiled, and kissed Ritsu's forehead.

Show time.

* * *

 **Okay. That's the end of this chapter. I know it sucked. Sorry. XC But thank you for reading anyways! I hope it was at least "okay" to say the least. XD This chapter was mostly inspired by that song "Acquainted" by the weekend. It reminded me of my OC. Lol idky tho. Anyway. Until next Friday! I hope this wasn't too bad.**

 **Thank you!**


	7. Chapter 7: Think of me fondly pt 2

Chapter 7: Think of me fondly pt 2

The work day seemed to pass by very quickly, for soon enough, Takano and Ritsu were eating a peaceful dinner at home. Being Ritsu's first day back, everyone was quite pleased to see him there. But Takano made sure to cut the fun short and catch up on the closing in deadlines, which were as per usual, right around the corner.

"Ritsu," Takano picked at his rice, taking bites occasionally, still thinking about several odd things Ritsu had done today. Ritsu looked up from his bowl, tapping his chopsticks on his lips.

"Yes?" Ritsu had a little blush on his cheeks, and his eyes seemed to be well, different. Different in what way, Takano couldn't pinpoint, not yet anyway.

"How'd you like your first day back?" Takano asked, taking a bite from his rice. Ritsu gave a nodded his head, poking at his food with his chopsticks.

"I-it was great." The air grew still for a moment, before Takano spoke again.

"Oh, you're mother called. She wants us to visit on Saturday." Ritsu looked up from his rice bowl, cocking his head to the side.

"What? Really?" Ritsu seemed to be thinking to himself, "Why?" Takano shrugged, and took another bite from his meal.

"She just demanded that we come." Ritsu scoffed as he smiled at his food, shaking his head from side to side. The sight made Takano want to smile somehow. But the thought quickly erased as he thought about the blonde from that morning. He still didn't know who he was. What he wanted. Or what he meant to Ritsu. Takano found himself ready to ask when he notice Ritsu's plate.

Takano looked at Ritsu's untouched food, then moved his eyes to meet emeralds. "Ritsu, are you not hungry? You haven't even taken a bite." Ritsu scratched his head, and did a sheepish laugh.

"N-no, not really…I just don't-" Ritsu suddenly cupped his mouth, startling Takano when he suddenly rushed out of the room. Takano stood from his seat, hurrying to the disturbing retching sound from the bathroom.

"Ritsu!? Are you okay?" Takano rushed into the bathroom, pulling a towel from the drawer and wetting it in warm water. Ritsu coughed a little, still facing the toilet. Takano rung the towel out, then held it out to Ritsu. "You look pale. Do you have a fever?" Ritsu quickly looked up from the toilet, almost glaring at Takano.

"N-no!"Ritsu shouted, then quickly took the towel and wiped his mouth. He noticed his irritated tone, a changed it as he began again. "Um-no...Please. Um..i just…I just want to go to sleep…" Ritsu wobbled to his feet, taking Takano's hand to support himself. Takano took the towel, and set it down on the counter, making their way into the bedroom. Ritsu wearily took a seat on the edge of the bed, watching as Takano opened some drawers, handing Ritsu his usual pajamas.

"You need to rest. Get some sleep. I'm going to clear off the dishes." Ritsu grumbled, and began to changed into his pajamas. Takano turned to leave, stepping closer to the doorway when he heard Ritsu mumble a light 'thank you.' Takano turned, raising an eyebrow at the blushing brunette. "What was that?"

Ritsu frowned, and turned his face away. "N-nothing!" Takano smiled, heading out to the table to clean up.

After several minutes of washing and drying, Takano made his way into the bedroom once again. He took off his shirt, and changed into comfortable sweatpants before lying next to Ritsu.

Ritsu turned to face Takano, and blushingly hid his face in the pillow. Takano took Ritsu in his arms, cuddling him gently into a sea of warmth on his practically chilled body. Ritsu, embarrassingly, wrapped his arms around Takano, knowing he was earning a smirk from the older male with his affection.

"I love you Ritsu." Takano whispered into his ear. Feeling a shiver run down his spine, Ritsu buried his face into Takano's chest.

"I-I lo-love y-you too.."

* * *

Takano decided to wait until Ritsu fell into a deep sleep. So making sure the smaller male was actually in a deep slumber after two hours, Takano blew into his ear. Ritsu made little movements, continuing to snuggle into the blankets that covered his body.

Sliding out of bed carefully, he reached under the nightstand for the hidden journal. Takano quietly stepped out of the room, taking the book of secrets with him to the couch. Takano turned on a lamp, sitting next to it for the light, opening it to the beginning. He took a deep breath, then began to read the first entry.

 _Dear Journal,_

 _Have you ever loved someone so much, that the little container for unrequited love finally becomes useful? Have you ever fallen for someone whom you know you have no chance with? Someone that you actually never even had a conversation with? How about someone who knows you exist?_

 _I know it's silly to fall in love for such a small thing. I know that it's silly because people help other people all the time…_

 _It's such a small, petty act that he did for me a year ago…getting that book down for me..it was just to be nice. And I know that journal..but then why? Why, no matter how many times I tell myself it's temporary bliss or hormones or infatuation, that I can't get him out of my head? I know we're both guys, and that's an even MORE reason for me to keep my distance and to never have a chance. Isn't it sad that I already know how this unrequited, painful love is going to end?_

 _I'm so confused with myself. But at the same time, I'm so happy just to see him sit there. Just sitting there quietly, reading to himself. It's like for the first time in my life, I know what the word 'love' means. What it really means._

 _And how it feels._

 _It's so-how do I explain it? So…unbearably sweet. Yes, that's the word. And being in love, it makes you lose sleep. It make you either want to eat more or eat less. It makes you want to look your best. It makes you want to be amazing for them. And most of all, it makes you lose all the control you built upon yourself during your life. All the barriers, if any. All the bridges burned, if you have any of the slightest bit of hope._

 _You lose that element of control. Like being addicted to something. Like a drug. It's so pressuring and tempting, you would do anything to get it. Or to keep it._

 _That is love. An unbearable, passionate, lustful haze, with all the affection and precious moments ever known to you. It's like a fairytale, where the sky is the limit. But at the same time,_

 _It's like going to the sky, but going without wings. And that is not only love, THAT…_

 _That is unrequited love…_

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

Takano frowned at the entry. Maybe it was because Ritsu was right. Unrequited love, was a truly depressing and unsatisfied feeling. It was the main thing that he felt during those ten years apart.

Anger. Hate. Rage. Yet, happiness towards the memories, smiling at the possiblilites, and miserable at the already know outcome.

But maybe he frowned because he's now in Ritsu's mind. And maybe it's because all those years ago..

He really did want to break Ritsu in two. And unfortunately, that little 15 year old that wrote this, was in fact, shattered. Crushed. Humiliated. And maybe it was because he knew what his true intentions were from the beginning. Being selfish and cruel as he was, he wanted to hurt this innocent, naïve, happy boy.

And he did. He certainly did.

 _Dear journal,_

 _Today, I checked out some more books Saga-Senpai read. And it's not that this will tell me anything more about him; I know that. But somehow, it makes me feel closer to him. There are some books that I like, and some that I don't._

 _But either way, I don't mind. Because he's read them._

 _I recently read one called, 'Familiar quotations.' And honestly, it was AMAZING. Senpai has some very good tastes. I feel like were meant for each other!_

 _Well, could be meant for each other. Who knows, maybe one day he'll catch me stalking him and I wont be paying attention and then he'll ask me something like 'how do you know my name' and ill say some kinda cool comeback like, 'I'm actually like, a huge fan.' Or 'hey I just wanna get to know you.' Bleh. I don't know. But hey, don't hurt a guy for dreaming okay?_

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

Takano snickered at the entry. Ritsu sure was one of a kind. First he's all sweet and stuttering, and the next thing he knew-BAM, he's a bipolar, jaded person in love. Takano turned his attention towards the bedroom door, where darkness creeped out of the crack. Ritsu still hadn't woken up, fortunately.

Takano held the journal opened between his fingers as he stood from the couch and peered in through the crack. He could see Ritsu sleeping soundly. His small fingers were curled up on the palm of his hand, his hair was becoming that annoying yet cute bedhead he always had. And his eyelids fluttered gently on his cheeks. And he wore that smile. That rare smile he had, the one where when he dreamt, and he'd mumble 'Senpai,' growing a cute blush on his face.

Takano felt sad watching the smaller male sleep. The small guilt, panging in his chest, bothered him. Oda Ritsu was gone. Because Oda Ritsu was destroyed. And then came Onodera Ritsu. And Onodera Ritsu was, more or less, the same as Oda. But more or less, different. And who's fault was it was Oda Ritsu was destroyed?

No one else but him. With a simple, bratty laugh, he crushed the poor boy. He thought that after calling him gross and annoying, and cheating on him, Ritsu could withstand any pain. And that he wasn't as fragile as he looked. But it was too late when he realized that Oda Ritsu, was not a robot.

And Oda Ritsu, could feel pain. And Oda Ritsu,

Could NOT endure all things.

Takano glanced around his apartment, noticing some of the last boxes of Ritsu's stuff to be officially moved in. The thought made him happy inside. Knowing that Ritsu was his. And no one else's. No more Haitani. No more An-Chan, except on occasion. Hopefully there weren't as many parents, but unlike himself, Ritsu HAD a family that looked after him.

Takano sighed, and took one last look at the sleeping brunette, before heading back to the couch and opening to the next entry.

 _Dear journal,_

 _I'm so, so, so crazy-happy, stupid. Really, I am. Our hands touched today…But even though I've been planning what to say for three years, I said the dumbest possible thing…_

" _I'm in love with you Senpai." Yes, I blurted out my confession. Journal, call me retarded, or childish, but I am just…ugh. Out of all the things I could've said, I confessed._

 _But even though this was our first time ever actually having a conversation, let alone looking directly at each other, he accepted me. But he was just joking, right? I mean, he ruffled my hair and said that he didn't mind going out with me, but…_

 _What does this mean?_

 _Do I avoid him? Do I run away? Do I hang out with him? No, I should just ask. Oh, but journal, I'm so happy. But I'm so nervous. Could he ever really love someone like me? Is that even possible? And if he does fall in love with me, how long will it last?_

 _Temporary bliss? I can't say. All I know is I want to be with him. Forever and always. Just to be by his side, even if he doesn't care like I do. I don't deserve him…But I want to try to be good enough…And I will be! I promise journal! I'll make him fall in love with me! I'll savor every moment with Senpai._

 _I swear it on my life._

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

Takano smiled to himself at the last bit of the entry. He knew Ritsu loved him dearly-both then and now. Which made him feel all the more guilty for shattering him in the first place.

"Oh Ritsu.." Takano sighed, and flipped to the next entry in the journal.

 _Dear Journal,_

 _Senpai invited me to his house yesterday…Oh, I was so, so, so scared. I didn't want to screw anything up! I mean, I know I was a total stalker and I am really awkward, but…UGH! It was just…AMAZING! But it was so embarrassing both during and after the act…_

 _And by act I mean….i…I lost IT…if you know what I mean…_

 _I was so scared…I didn't know if it was for real or not. But I was really, really frightened. And embarrassed…How do people do this all the time? OH IM SO HUMILIATED! I was probably such a turn off! XC I just wanna die!_

 _And then me and my stupid imagination heard Senpai say 'I love you Ritsu.' But I know that it's all in my head, obviously. Senpai's never told me anything about how he feels about me. In fact, he never really says anything at all. And that makes me nervous. It makes me wonder if I really am just a reason to pass time by. Or maybe-Maybe I'm just misunderstanding his feelings with that poker face he wears._

 _Hmm…I get the impression he wears that mask to guard himself from the world. I think Senpai's been hurt. I think, maybe it's his family that's hurting him. I mean, I don't pry and ask him, because it's none of my business…but if he did tell me then I would gladly listen. After all, I know…I know what that's like…_

 _To feel like no one cares you exist…I mean, Ah-pa and Mother love me. I know that. But, Ah-pa is always gone…and whenever he's here, he's still working. I don't blame him though. I know he has to work hard and make people proud._

 _And mother's always trying to make me hang out with An-Chan. .-. Which reminds me, the day Senpai asked me to go to his house-and lost IT to him-An-Chan told me she had feelings for me…but, I rejected her. I just, I'm so in love with Senpai…_

 _He's just, he's so perfectly perfect…I wonder…I wonder if Senpai loves me….Well, I'll ask soon. And hopefully, he'll give me the answer I hope for. But if not…._

 _I don't know what I'll do…_

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

* * *

 _There was nothing but blaring music and smoke in the air, hovering over a large group of people in the flat. Ritsu followed closer behind James, occasionally waving the smoke from his face, and glancing around the unfamiliar place._

 _James led Ritsu deeper inside the flat, waving and occasionally stopping to make conversation with someone on the side. Ritsu felt nervous. His parents never let him come anywhere near people like this. What was he doing here again? Oh yes, to forget. And how in the hell that would happen? He had no clue._

" _Hey James! Who's the little mouse you got there?" A guy with long black hair smoked something that smelled bad, and Ritsu strained to keep his body from falling over from being dizzy. James gave the random guy a high five, and turned to face Ritsu._

" _Ah, this one's special." James winked, cocking his head to the side, and lowered his voice. Ritsu couldn't hear anything that was exchanged between the two. He only saw the male with the black hair, smirk and snicker at the quiet conversation._

 _James pulled out a stack of money. How much, Ritsu couldn't tell. It looked like a lot from his point of view, but being from Japan, it might've only been twenty bucks._

 _Ritsu stood, his hands folded together in front of him, and his feet in position, ready to bow in respect if he had the chance. The black haired male shook his head, eyeing Ritsu from head to toe. He had a certain look in his eye, but Ritsu still couldn't tell what it was. James waved to the other male, quickly taking a large lunch bag* in his hands, then motioning to Ritsu to follow him._

 _Ritsu quickly took a bow to the black haired male, and scurried to catch up with James._

 _The two stopped in an empty room, where James took a seat by the desk in the corner, and set the large lunch bag on top. "Ritsu, come here." Ritsu nodded, and took a seat on the chair next to James'. He watched as he opened the bag and pulled out a tiny Ziploc bag full of white powder._

" _Um..James-san…w-what is that?" Ritsu looked at it curiously, intrigued by how this small thing would magically make Saga disappear. James did a chuckle, and nudged Ritsu's arm._

" _Hey, drop the Japanese stuff, ight? This is England. Call me James." He pulled out bill, and poured the white powder on the desk. "Besides, I consider us friends. Don't you?" There was something in his tone of voice when he said 'friends', Ritsu had a bad feeling. But nonetheless, Ritsu ignored it, and nodded in response. James rolled up the bill, and showed Ritsu closely. "This is how you do it. Now, first, you're gonna make sure that the bill looks exactly like this. There has to be a hole in the middle for it to work. Got it?" Ritsu nodded, not sure where it was going, but beginning to understand. James continued, as he held the bill to his nostril. "You're gonna put the bill here, and when you lean down, hold your free nostril closed, and take a sniff."_

 _James handed Ritsu the bill, watching the brunette intensely, as he reluctantly took it from him. Ritsu was beginning to feel hot. But not the hot he had with Saga. A whole other kind of hot. Hot like, frightened. And scared. Ritsu felt his body flush red, and begin to tremble. 'This is…this is a drug. And drugs, they…they make you loose that element of control…they make you fall apart…they…they fuck up your life…' Ritsu panicked, and held his breath as he stared at the white powder and rolled up bill in front of him._

' _But your life is already fucked up…' His mind said. 'And your precious Senpai already made you loose that element of control…' Ritsu bit his lip, ready to run out of the room and start crying. 'What more do you have to lose?' His mind kept echoing, blocking out everything but the constant bantering back and forth on what to do. But he had to be strong. This was gonna help him. This was gonna make him have a say in who and what he can forget. This was gonna make him GAIN that element of control. This…this was.._

 _This was exactly what he needed to forget all the pain…to forget, Saga Masamune._

* * *

Ritsu felt cold. He reached his hand over the bed sheets, searching for that familiar warmth he felt when he grew chilly at night. Much to his surprise, that familiar warmth was gone. Ritsu squinted his eyes opened, straining them to see through the darkness. Ritsu saw a small lamp light peeking through the cracked door. He sat up, yawning and stretching as he stood from the bed.

He turned his attention to the alarm clock on the nightstand, seeing it said 12:45 am. Ritsu kept one eye closed, and slowly made his way to the doorway. He opened it, seeing his lover sitting under the lamplight.

"Takano-san?" Ritsu mumbled…dragging his feet to Takano, who quickly turned his head to the half asleep brunette.

"Ah, Ritsu. I was just checking some manuscripts. What are you doing up?" Takano quickly stashed the journal between the couch and the pillows, then standing up to face Ritsu. Takano pulled Ritsu into a hug, feeling how cold Ritsu felt in his arms.

"Come to bed. I'm cold." Ritsu looked up at him, watching him with his half-lidded emeralds. Takano kissed his forehead, and nodded in agreement.

"Alright." He spoke softly, running his fingers through Ritsu's hair as he kissed him again. "Let's go to sleep." Ritsu nodded, and drug himself back to the bedroom, where Takano followed him.

The two lay down in bed, snuggling in each other's arms. Ritsu's breathing tickled Takano's chest, and his brown hair began to be brushed out by Takano's long fingers. "Takano-san.." Ritsu mumbled, almost asleep in his arms.

"Yes Ritsu?" Takano held him close, feeling quite guilty and sad with the reality of the journal. Ritsu wrapped his arms around Takano's waist, nuzzling his face further into his warmth.

"Would you hate me..?" Takano's eyebrows furrowed, and he looked down at Ritsu.

"what?"

".." Ritsu yawned, and spoke very softly. "Would you hate me if I made a mistake?" Takano was quite shaken. Mistake? What kind of mistake?...Like, like cheating mistake? Or like drugs? What did he mean 'mistake?'

"What do you mean?" Ritsu's breathing became heavy, soon drifting off deeper and deeper into a slumber. Takano's heart raced. He felt like it was going to burst with the amount of anxiety he was feeling. Did this have something to do with the male that was here this morning? Or the journal? Was he going to leave him? Mistake? What kind of mistake?!

Takano decided to wait until Ritsu fell deeply asleep again. Not really knowing what he was looking for, Takano made his way out of the apartment, into Ritsu's almost empty one. A few piles of books were stacked in a corner, there were still a few boxes left in the middle of the room. The coffee table and couch were still in place, knowing that they were going to be furnished. Takano looked around for anything odd.

Something was wrong. Something made him ask that question. ' _Would you hate me…if I made a mistake..?'_ The question kept running through Takano's mind. Constantly telling him that there was something he saw, or noticed, but never actually took note of. But what?

Then it hit him…

*flashback*

" _Hey Ricchan," Kisa peeked over some manuscripts on Ritsu's desk, "Are you okay? You're shaking a lot." Ritsu shot his head towards the baby faced editor, nodding quickly in response._

" _Eh, um, n-no! I-I mean y-yes! Yes I'm okay!" Ritsu fidgeted in his seat, constantly bumping his leg up and down, and gripping the red correcting pen in his hand. His hands trembled very noticeably, and he seemed to be in a haze._

 _Takano watched from afar, as Kisa turned back to his work. Ritsu bit his lip, holding his nose for a mere second, then trying to make corrections with his shaking hand._

*End of flashback*

Takano looked at the tiny, used Ziploc bag on the coffee table, giving him the suspicion he had been thinking for a while now. Takano quickly did a throughout search in the living room, scanning for pain medication, or more used bags.

His search continued throughout the kitchen, where he found two spoons set in a random drawer, looking somewhat 'dusty.' Takano held them in his hand with the Ziploc bag, heading towards the semi-empty bedroom, digging through empty drawers and what not.

' _please let me be wrong. Please let me be wrong, please let me be-'_ Takano stopped pulling the drawer in the bathroom opened, noticing how cramped it was inside. The drawer continued to hit the top of it's items on the surrounding frame. He sighed in frustration, wiggling the drawer from it's confinement.

After several attempts to open the drawer, he pulled it out, revealing regular bathroom stuff-ear cleaners, floss, unopened toothpaste, but there was one thing that stood out to him in the drawer. Well, it was more like something ON the drawer.

He noticed a difference in level with the particular drawer. That specific drawer for the bathroom is actually supposed to be quite deep. Takano noticed that the inside was only half its supposed size. He shook the drawer, also noticing the sound of clacking from the front to the back. Two types of clacking: one the feel of a bag hitting the front and back when he shook it. And the second: the faint sound of pills rustling in their containers.

He studied it for a moment, wondering if he was just being paranoid. He should trust Ritsu, right? He should believe that he isn't lying to him. He shouldn't be snooping through his things..

But all the while, he found himself dumping the contents out on top of the counter, then taking out the thin piece of wood that separated them from the bottom of the drawer. A blue bag was revealed, quickly picked up, and opened it to what he had been praying it wouldn't be.

Two spoons, a lightly, white-powered Ziploc bag, and the prize itself.

* * *

"H _ow do you feel?" Ritsu looked around the room; pupils dilated, body shaking, and breathing a little ragged. James pat Ritsu's hair, standing up, then opening the door to the rest of the flat. "Let's go party."_

 _Ritsu followed James out to the heart of the flat, where the blaring music was at it's loudest, and many people were dancing, smoking and drinking. Ritsu felt as if time were in slow motion-Like his life was in slow motion._

 _And the only thought he had, was one he dreaded to remember._

' _ **Saga-Senpai…' He traced his Senpai's nose and lips, smiling to himself as the elder slept. Ritsu listened to his light breathing, and faint, occasional hums. Ritsu daren't move, not knowing if Senpai would awaken. 'Saga-Senpai…I love you so much….' He croaked, cupping his hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs. 'I love you so much Senpai…please, please, let this not be a dream.' He pulled his hand from Saga's face, and balled it into a fist to his chest. A warm tear fell down his cheek, letting it drop onto the pillow. 'Please, just a little bit of your heart…that's all I want..'**_

 _Ritsu couldn't think of anything other than Saga's sleeping face. This was supposed to make him forget, and yet, here he was, still watching Saga sleep from thousands of miles away. Ritsu looked around at the large group of drunk and high teenagers, dancing and walking around. But why? Why were they so damn happy?_

' _let me be like that…' Ritsu begged inside, 'let me be like that!' Ritsu felt his arm being tugged by a girl with raven hair, nudging him to follow her on the dance floor. 'Please..' he begged. He looked over at James and the black-haired guy from earlier, noticing them watching him closely, 'I don't wanna live like this.'_

* * *

 **Me: Okay! That's all for this chapter! Close it up everyone! (chattering in the background; actors and actresses spreading around set like wildfire)**

 **Me: OKAY! Takano, what are you gonna do to Ritsu when he wakes up?**

 **Takano: (shrugs) I don't know. I feel like I should slap him but what good would it do? Plus, he'd probably just get even more pissy, and that's not good for me at all.**

 **Ritsu: You bastard! Why is it that you have a comment for everything?!**

 **Me: Ritsu, please Refrain from using such inappropriate language on set.**

 **Takano: Well, fuck me sideways, I don't know what the hell to do with you guys. Ritsu's a fucking lunatic in this, and you're just, (stares at me for a brief moment), you just need help.**

 **Me and Ritsu: HEY!**

 **Me: Anyways! Takano, slap Ritsu! SSSLLLAAPPPP HHHIIIMMM! (Looks at Ritsu) Yep, he's gonna slap you.**

 **Takano: Wtf, I told you im not gonna slap him. Just get that stupid prick who came around out of the way. He's the main source of my problems right now.**

 **James: Well that's not very nice…**

 **Me: yea, yea. Everyone go home. Tomorrow, (Evil smile) we get into the BTICH FIGHTS! XD**

 **(everyone looks at me)**

 **Takano: Ritsu, go get in the car.**

 **Ritsu: Wha-**

 **Takano: NOW!**

 **I hope this is okay for you all. I know I should've posted a few hours ago, (which I was gonna do) but I fell asleep for four hours….so…yea….i'm sorry. This chapter isn't that great. But now we're in the real shit. XP TO those of you who read, and follow through until the very end, thank you for your support. Seriously, It makes me smile seeing that there's at least people reading it. I know it's probably not the best story, but I'm going to give it my all.**

 **Again, thank you. Until next Friday. See ya!**


	8. Chapter 8: You are not alone

_These days aren't easy anymore…_

 _You make it hard to smile, because_

 _You make it hard to breathe.._

 _Why do you do this to me?..—"why" by Secondhand Serenade_

* * *

Chapter 8: You are not alone

 _Dear Journal,_

 _I'm standing on the vacant green hill, staring out toward the horizon. The world is so much bigger now isn't it? The perfect image of innocence, now destroyed by one mistake. It hurts; it hurts so bad. I want it to go away. I want my love back. I want everything back. But I can never have it. Not now, not ever. It'll never come again. It was so stupid of me to give it away to someone I knew I had no real chance with._

 _I wish I could set my heart on fire, just to watch it burn to ashes. It's been six months…six.. How am I doing? Well, I've crossed through a thousand dreams just to have the same outcome: regret and pain. All followed by him._

 _I see the clouds parting across the sky, almost as if there trying to tell me to move on-to let go. But how can i? When everything I know is broken and scarred? All I wanted was him. All I wanted was him.._

 _Here, the sun_ _is going down again. And where he is, the sun is beginning to rise for a new day. An adventure. A lucky day. A heartbeat rising. Light instead of darkness. A new friend. A new, mutual love. For him, that is what he has. As for me, I'm still trying to find it._

 _I'm waiting for night to come. Standing here, awaiting the dark to take away the agony. I hate the_ _light. I hate it. I sit here, on this green covered hill, watching the sunset disappear. Because I know, that he's over there, waiting for it to reappear. And yet, all the while, I'm shedding these unbearable tears that won't stop flowing. How can he even wake up in the morning? How can he live like that? Crushing someone so badly, that they turn twisted and jaded from the moment he tells them it's over. I hate him. I hate him so much._

 _All I wanted was him._

 _I held out my arms for him, listened to him, comforted him, lost my virginity to him. I gave you my whole world.. And yet, he laughed at me. He used me. He destroyed me. And I despise the very thought of him, Saga Masamune._

" _ **I'm still waiting for the rain to fall…"**_

 _-Onodera Ritsu_

 _Ritsu slipped away from setting sun, holding his journal and pen in hand, dragging his feet off of the vacant green hill. Days dragged on, but yet, he still found himself thinking of the one person who makes him want to end them. Saga-Senpai._

 _Saga. Saga. Saga._

 _It's always about Saga. Was there a way to get passed it? Was there a way to close his eyes and forget the next morning?_

 _Was there any way, that Saga would live his life with pure regret?_

* * *

 _Ritsu eventually found himself in his dorm, tossing his journal on the couch, and unbuttoning his shirt uniform. He sighed, slipping it off and putting a long sleeve over his head. Ritsu took a seat, staring off into space for what felt like forever, until his phone vibrated in his pocket._

 _He pulled it out, opening the new message._

 _ **From: James Bates**_

 _ **To: Me**_

 _ **Wanna chill?**_

 _Ritsu quickly tapped the keys to reply,_ _ **'Sure, where?**_ _' Within a minute or less, the phone vibrated again, allowing him to open the next message._

 _ **From: James Bates**_

 _ **To: Me**_

 _ **You're place? I have food. :D**_

 _Ritsu chuckled underneath his breath, letting out a sigh as he replied,_ _ **'sure. XO what did you get?'**_ _Ritsu impatiently waited for the reply, frustrated for his thoughts continuously thinking back to those dreadful memories from six months ago._

 _ **From: James Bates**_

 _ **To: Me**_

 _ **Surprise ;p see ya there**_ _._

 _Ritsu sighed, tossing his phone on the empty seat next to him, and stood from the couch. Looking around the room, he noticed how sloppy he had become. Some clothes were lying everywhere, wrappers from different fast foods were crumbled from the times James actually forced him to eat. He never really left the house, never really socialized, and never stopped thinking about Saga._

 _Life was nothing but a big mess._

 _Knock, knock. Ritsu turned to the door, staring at it for a minute. "Who is it?" Ritsu asked dumbly. He heard a scoff, and another knock following._

" _Ritsu! It's the fucking police. Now open the door." Ritsu jolted at the language, but nonetheless, let the so called police inside. "Damn, Ritsu. The fuck is up with your dorm?" Ritsu looked around the dorm once again, shrugging it off._

" _Um, I'll clean it later.." He lied. What was the point? If he couldn't clean up his life, why clean up his dorm? James gave a 'you fucking liar,' look, and tossed his shoes at the wall. Something he wasn't used to was taking off his shoes when he stepped inside Ritsu's room. But even so, he still followed Ritsu's habit of leaving his shoes at the door._

" _So, what did you bring?" Ritsu stood quietly, watching as James made his way to the couch in the middle of the room._

" _I brought pizza. Come and eat." Ritsu made his way back to the couch, taking a seat on the floor. "Thanks for the food." Ritsu took a slice on his plate, staring at it for a long time. James took note, and nudged Ritsu's arm._

" _Hey love, you need to eat. You're getting to skinny. You're gonna be a fucking twig by next week." Ritsu frowned, shrugging the thought away. He stood from the ground, heading to his bed to lay down. James sighed heavily, standing from his spot, and making his way towards the depressed Ritsu. "Hey, what's up?"_

 _Ritsu ignored the question, turning his back to James and facing the white wall. As much as he hated to admit it, he missed Saga. He missed watching him through the bookshelves, and reading what he read. And going to his house, and smelling his wonderful scent. He missed the way Saga would kiss him, and make love to him. He wanted to go back. 'I wanna go back.'_

 _Unknowingly, Ritsu mumbled his thought aloud, making James' eye widen. "What?" Ritsu quickly zipped his lips, waiting for the lecture to come. And he knew it would come. He always got a lecture from James-for what reason, he really didn't know._

" _Ritsu, how can you say that?" And it starts.._

"…" _Ritsu tried to hold back the tears, and kept quiet as the other spoke. He felt more weight enter the bed, and noticed a shadow hovering over him. Ritsu peeked a glance to the other, who stared at him sternly._

" _Ritsu. You haven't done anything since you got here. A few times you went out to a party with me. You sniffed cocaine. And got drunk, then right after you got sober, you stayed home all depressed. You don't even pay attention in class anymore. What's up with you? How can you say that you don't wanna be here? You gotta mingle with the people, you gotta let that frustration out somehow. Laying in bed and not eating aren't gonna help you at all."_

 _Ritsu lay silent, nibbling at his bottom lip to keep the tears from falling down. He needed to toughen up. He needed to be stronger. But how? How would he do that? How would he get stronger if all he did was let himself continue to overthink the situation? He should just let it go. But how? For three years he watched Saga. For three miserable years he prayed and prayed that his feelings would be reached. And yet, here he was, grieving from a broken heart._

" _Ritsu," James shook his shoulder, pouting at the silence. "Ritsu~" He sang, which made Ritsu snicker in response. "AH, I got you laughing." James teased._

" _Yea, yea.." Ritsu slouched deeper into the bed, sighing at the sudden depression again. James turned Ritsu onto his back, pinning him down by the arms. Ritsu blushed at the action. Being on bottom, with someone on top, reminded him of Saga. Those times in the bedroom…how could he forget?_

" _Ritsu!" James shook him abruptly, making Ritsu's whole body rock in sync with James' shaking. "Ritsu! Let's do something! How about we go get you a beer? Or how about a chick? Wanna get laid? There's a bunch of girls-and guys," He mumbled the last part, "that wanna do it with you. Come on, I bet your good at it. Let's find you someone, eh?"_

 _Ritsu sighed, avoiding any eye contact with the ocean blue eyes staring at him. "I-I d-don't..i don't wanna.." Ritsu mumbled, and tried to sit up. James pushed him back down, basically straddling him in place._

" _Ritsu. I swear, if you don't find someone to lay, I will lay you myself." Ritsu blushed, and pushed James off with a new sudden strength._

" _W-W-what!?" Ritsu felt his face turn extremely hot, his lips quivering from the mere thought. James busted out laughing, face palming his forehead._

" _HAHAHAHAHHAHA! Ritsu! You should've seen your face!" Ritsu frowned very embarrassed, stomping off of the bed, and to where the couch was. James followed, still letting out a few snickers before finally quieting down. "Heh, so wanna mingle with the people, eh Ritsu?" He puffed out his cheeks, awaiting Ritsu's response._

" _D-do I h-have too?..." Ritsu shyly asked, fidgeting uncomfortably at the thought. James smiled, and patted his head._

" _Yes! Now, let's do something with that hair of yours." James pulled Ritsu into the bathroom, setting him down on the toilet, and then opened several drawers in search of the scissors. Ritsu frowned,_

" _W-what's wrong with my hair?" James stopped his task, sighing._

" _Look," He pulled out a hand mirror from one of the drawers, showing Ritsu his long, shaggy hair. "At least let me trim it." James ran his fingers through Ritsu's silky brown hair, looking at into Ritsu's emerald eyes for the 'ok.'_

 _Ritsu thought about it for a moment, feeling his hair in his hands. "um.." Would Saga want him to change it? 'NO! RITSU STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!' "Um-Yes! Cut it! Style it! Do something with it." 'I don't want to remember..'_

 _James pulled out a pair of scissors, setting on them on the counter, then grabbing a brush to run it through Ritsu's hair. Ritsu sat quietly, almost second guessing his decision. 'Change? Change…? Can..can I do that?...Can I change?' James noticed Ritsu staring intently at the ground._

" _Ritsu," James snipped off a piece of hair, letting it fall to the floor. Ritsu looked up with his eyes, not able to move his head._

" _Y-yes?" James stood quiet for a minute, as if he was contemplating what he should say. Ritsu was nervous at the silence. They always had something to talk about. It was almost awkward sitting there with nothing to say. Almost.._

" _Why do you look so sad all the time?" Ritsu stiffened, quietly listening to the small snips of hair being cut._

" _Um.." James let out a sigh, and brushed Ritsu's hair again._

" _Look, I don't know if you're ever going to tell me the story, so I won't pry…I just thought that we were close enough to tell each other these things."_

 _The air was silent again. Ritsu held his breath, thinking of a reasonable response as to why he could tell James everything but this. The light snipping sound was all that could be heard, until Ritsu let out the breath he was holding and began._

" _I was in love with someone…" The snipping sounds stopped momentarily, then began again. James stood quietly, hoping Ritsu would go into further detail. "Um…well...I know it sounds dumb or…stalkerish…but I watched this person, for three years...praying that my feelings would be reached. But in the end, I was being played."_

 _James brushed through Ritsu's silky hair again, thinking about the situation. It was no wonder he didn't want to mingle. He just had his heartbroken. "Ritsu," James began, continuing to brush the brunette's hair. "I know it's hard to believe people when they say, 'I know how you feel,' or something..but I actually know how you feel…do you wanna know a secret?"_

 _Ritsu's emerald eyes glanced up through his long bangs, watching the soft ocean eyes meet his. "I was seeing someone. Before you came here. And, I tell you, I really, really loved them. I don't know how you feel about guys dating guys but…yea…" James trailed off, not knowing if he should continue after telling his secret. Ritsu's cheeks tinted a rosy pink, and he looked down at the ground again._

" _I-I…um…I was in love with a guy…" James stopped brushing, blinking in somewhat of a shock. Ritsu bit his lip, holding his hands together across his lap. James' eyes softened once again, then began to tell his tale._

" _I met him back at a rave. And if you don't know what that is then we're gonna have to go to one someday." James smiled at him, taking the scissors and starting to trim again. "Anyways, we started hanging out, and we were always doing everything together. I loved him. I loved him so damn much it hurt. But it turns out, he wasn't as in love with me as I thought." James sighed, tilting Ritsu's head at angle. "What I'm trying to say is…that I understand the feeling of being small and insignificant as humanly possible…"_

 _Ritsu did a small, sad smile, staring at the ground underneath his feet. "I know how it feels to hurt in places that…that you didn't think you had inside you…And, honestly, it doesn't matter how many haircuts you get, what diets you go on, or how many times you go to the gym, or how many people you get in bed with…You still go to sleep, every night, going over every fucking detail…and wondering what the hell you did wrong…and…" James muffled a sob, swallowing it with his pride. "And…and how in the hell in that brief moment you thought that you could actually be that happy.. "_

 _Ritsu felt warm tears fall down his cheeks, and bit his lip to suppress the pain. "James…you don't have to tell me this…" Ritsu whispered, clenching his fists on his thighs. James shook his head, gulping, trying to keep his voice from wavering._

" _No.." He said very softly. He sounded so delicate. For the first time, he honestly sounded human. "I want to tell you…" His voice almost cracked, and he found himself gripping the scissors tightly. "Sometimes, you can even convince yourself that they'll see the light, and show up at your door." James did a sad scoff at himself, "But, after all that…all those…years of your life that you wasted," Ritsu looked up at James, who placed his hand on Ritsu's cheek to wipe away the tears. "Even after all that, however long that may be…you'll go somewhere new…and you'll meet new people who make you feel worthwhile again...And, little pieces of your soul, will finally come back. And all that fuzzy shit that you felt, all the, unrequited love you held, they will eventually begin to fade."_

Ritsu's lips formed a thin line, and he stood abruptly. James was taken back at the sudden stance, and put the scissors on the counter. "Ritsu?" He called the brunette, who was holding his fists on the side of his body, staring at the floor.

"…" James watched Ritsu tremble, shaking from heartbreak. He put his hands on his shoulders, trying to find the emerald eyes he always found comfort in.

"Ritsu?"

"….James…I.." Ritsu stood, feeling unbelievable alone yet, with a crowd. All this time, he suffered alone. He grieved alone. He cried alone. **But he didn't have to be alone.** He had his friend. This person who befriended him on the spot. This person's who's taken care of him for 6 months. How selfish could he be? All this time, he focused on his pain, and never looked into the carefree ocean eyes that held their own.

Ritsu pulled James into a tight hug, squeezing him with his small arms. James stood speechless, then slowly, put his arms around Ritsu's petite body. No words were exchanged, because their embrace spoke for them. A soft thank you bonded them through the contact, leaving a blushing James, and a sobbing Ritsu.

* * *

"There! All done!" James pulled Ritsu up from the toilet, placing him directly in front of the mirror. "Now, on the count of three, open your eyes." Ritsu nodded, heart pounding at the new and improved Ritsu. "1…2….2 and a half….2 and three quarters…"

"I'm gonna open my eyes James."

"3!" Ritsu opened his eyes, seeing his newly styled hair, no longer parted, but brushed to the side as one. Ritsu felt the silkiness of his hair, admiring it's new feel and look.

"Wow…this is great." Ritsu was astonished at the new look. For 15, he looked, mature. He looked, well…

"Damn. You look hot." Ritsu quickly turned his head towards James, who held his hand on his chin and nodded at the new appearance. Ritsu glared, and took the scissors from James' hand.

"My turn." James face went from shocked to amused.

"NO way. You're not touching my beautiful hair." Ritsu scoffed, and forced James to sit on the toilet. He tossed the scissors down, picking up the brush to run through the wavy, blonde hair.

"Fine. But I want to braid it." James gave an amused laugh, and agreed to the request.

After minutes of brushing and braiding, James stood up to look in the mirror. "Ooh, I look fabulous, huh Ritsu?" Ritsu nodded, and left out of the bathroom. James followed behind, somewhat quieter than usual. Ritsu turned to see James, who was pulling out a cigarette to smoke.

Ritsu took a seat on the couch, slouching in its comfort. James lit his cigarette, and held out the open box to Ritsu. "Want one?" Ritsu thought about it, then took one from the box. He stared at it, somehow, leading his thoughts back to Saga. He wondered what he would think of him doing this. Would he disapprove? Would he smoke with him? Ritsu shook his head, taking the lighter from James', lighting the cigarette. Well, it was all the more reason to smoke one.

James rested his head on the back on the couch, blowing smoke up to the ceiling, then watching it fade away. Ritsu sat with his knees to his chest, holding the cigarette with one hand and hugging his legs with the other. A comfortable silence encircled them, leaving two silent teenagers and a room full of smoke. James glanced at Ritsu, who was currently taking a drag off of his cigarette. Those emerald eyes, staring down at his toes as they wiggled. The eyes that attracted even the lowest of the lowest. That silky brown hair, resting in place beautifully. Those soft pink lips, that seemed to hold nothing but tears back. How do you tell your best friend that you love them?

"Ritsu…" James avoided eye contact, but tried very hard not to seem nervous. Ritsu looked at him, holding the cigarette between his fingers as he listened. "Ritsu I have something else to tell you." Ritsu cocked his head to the side, watching his friend carefully as he spoke. "I um…I know you have your birthday coming up and I wanted to do something special…"

Ritsu lifted an eyebrow, suddenly curious as to what that 'special' event may be. "What did you have in mind?"

James took a long drag, holding the smoke in his throat, then blowing it out towards Ritsu's face. Ritsu frowned, and tapped the ashes off of his cigarette. James set his cigarette in the ashtray, and grabbed Ritsu's shoulders. Ritsu, caught off guard, stared back dumbfounded.

"E-etto…um…J-James…what are you doing?" James took Ritsu's cigarette, setting it in the ashtray.

"Ritsu," James whispered huskily, "I want to help you move on." Ritsu's jaded emeralds widened, blinking in surprise.

"H-How..?" He stuttered, nibbling his lip gently. James was silent for a moment.

"Let's move on together. We'll help each other find someone. And while were single, we'll practice with each other." Ocean eyes bore into the shocked emeralds, which were still trying to wrap their head around the deal.

"B-but what do you mean 'practice..?'" Ritsu frowned, slightly pulling away from the close range.

"Look, I'm not asking you to fall in love with me. But I'm asking you to move on from that bastard. So, will we start the hunt? Or will you stay behind?" Ritsu sat dumbfounded, not knowing exactly what James was implying. "I'm throwing a line out to pull you out of the abyss. So take it. Or you might not ever get out."

Ritsu sat, thinking of the offer. Move on? Like…date and kiss other people other than Saga? Make love with people other than Saga? Try to love people other than Saga…? Is that possible?

"O-okay…"

' **But I'll never fall in love with you…or with anyone…I can promise you that…'**

* * *

 **Okay, I know it's hella early. But there's actually another part to this. So it was much easier to write this when I was feeling so inspired and stuff. :3 (QvQ) Ya know what I mean? ;p Okay, the next part to this will be up soon. Probably Friday, as always. This was actually inspired by this song called 'Why' by Secondhand Serenade. Lol I'm such a music nerd. I literally have too much time on my hands after work. I never know what to do. Lol Haha, anyways, yea. I'm gonna stop rambling now.**

 **Hope you enjoyed it. I had fun writing it. :D Review? XD maybe? ..no? Okay. v.v ;p okay bbbbaaaaa-bbbyyyeeeee**


	9. Chapter 9: the reason im twisted

"Can we create something beautiful,

And destroy it?

Nobody knows I dream about it,

This is my imagination.

If every living thing dies alone,

What am I doing here?"-ptv

* * *

Chapter 9: The reason I'm twisted

Hours passed by quickly, for soon enough, the break of dawn was upon the restless raven. He sat on the couch, tapping his foot impatiently, and awaiting for the sleeping brunette to awaken. The spoons, pills and tiny bag rested on the coffee table, almost mocking him with their presence. Continuously stating that they were loved more than he. That they were the important ones. And that he did not matter as much as they.

Takano found himself quite restless. He hadn't slept a wink all night, thinking and fighting the awful truth that he found upon his search. Usually, he'd be ecstatic to find the brunette awakening. But as of now, he almost dreaded it.

Knowing the whole truth, hearing and seeing it with your own eyes, it's a difficult situation. Especially if it's something you hope to be a mere nightmare. But this time, it was real. It was sitting directly on top of the chestnut colored table, staring at him with their temptations. So much power, yet, not even alive to claim it.

Ritsu stirred on the bed, peeking his eyes open to the morning light gathering around him. He snuggled in the blanket, feeling quite cold once again. It felt odd, for usually, the raven's presence kept him warm both inside and out. But where was he this fine morning?

Ritsu sat up, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders, and slipping out of the bed onto the cold floor.

"Takano-san?" Ritsu called out, glancing around the bedroom. Emerald eyes searched every corner, eventually traveling their way out to the living room where his feet took him. There he saw the older man, resting on the couch, slouching, with his head in hand. He appeared distressed, almost as if he was carrying a large burden on his shoulders. "Takano-san?" Ritsu made his way to the couch, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

Takano lifted his head, studying the brunette with a cold expression. Ritsu felt his chest grow tight inside, telling him to prepare for a battle. "W-what is it?" The raven's expression did not change, he only glanced towards the items on the chestnut coffee table, indicating his discovery. Ritsu's eyes immediately grew wide, tears forming in the corners, heart racing in all shame-he had been found out.

"Tell me, what is this?" Takano's deep, hazel eyes stared at the items before him, not even attempting to glance towards the shameful brunette. He stood from the couch, making a few steps closer to Ritsu.

"I-It's not what y-you t-think…" Ritsu mumbled, voice wavering and cracking with his lies. Takano did a hum in acknowledgement, obviously not buying the statement.

"Ritsu, tell me why." His distressed, sad expression matched his heartbroken eyes. Ritsu felt extremely guilty. Although he had planned to tell him. He had planned to stop..

But he hadn't gotten round to it..

"I…I.." Ritsu tried to make an excuse- or rather, give a reasonable explanation, but found nothing to ease the situation. "I'm sorry.." Was all he could muster without bursting into tears like he felt like doing. Takano took a very big deep breath, before asking again.

"Why?" Ritsu chewed on his bottom lip, keeping himself together as long as possible. He was gonna leave him wasn't he? He was gonna walk right out that door, and wait for him to go, wasn't he?

"It's because of you.." Ritsu mumbled, clenching the blanket around his shoulders.

"What?" Takano stood in disbelief, ready to defend himself.

"I said…it's because of you.." Ritsu looked into Takano's eyes, full of anger and sadness.

"…" Takano scoffed, running a hand through his raven hair, glancing around the poorly lit room. "How is this MY fault?" Ritsu stiffened, pouting, and trying to hold his composure together. But failed immediately when he opened his mouth to speak once again.

"IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU DID THIS TO US! TO ME! IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Takano stood dumbfounded at the outburst.

"HOW DID I CAUSE THIS! I DON'T MAKE DESCISIONS FOR YOU!"

"It's because you laughed at me! You mocked me with that STUPID snort! It's all your fault that I'm like this!" Ritsu huffed, holding the blanket that wrapped around him tighter in his hands, trembling at the cold reality. Takano stood silently, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"You never take care of yourself. And you say that you can, but obviously, you CAN'T. I can't believe you have been lying to me for the past month." Ritsu chewed his lip furiously,

"THAT'S RIGHT! YOU NEVER SAW ME AS A MAN! NOT NOW, NOT EVER. I WAS ALWAYS A HELPLESS PIECE OF ASS!" Ritsu cried, frowning and pointing his index finger at Takano.

"What!? NEVER SAW YOU AS A MAN!? HOW CAN YOU SAY-"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU ALWAYS THINK I NEED SAVING ! BUT I DON'T! I DON'T NEED YOU TO SAVE ME!"

The two stood in a silence so thick, it could easily be cut with a dull sword. The brunette huffed, and wiped the small tears in the corners of his eyes. This wasn't right. This wasn't what he should say. So why, why was he saying it?

"You…" Ritsu's voice trembled. Was it fear? Anger? Embarrassment? What was this feeling of defeat in him? What were these words coming out of his mouth? Why wasn't anything coming out right? "You never loved me back then, did you?" Takano's heart raced, pounding vigorously in his chest.

 _Thudump. Thudump. Thudump._

"Ritsu…if I didn't love you…" Takano did a silent swallow of guilt, and tried to find the right words to say. But what should he say? What was the RIGHT thing to say? He honestly had no clue anymore. "..You wouldn't have just slipped out ofmy bed. You wouldn't be wrapped up in my blanket. You wouldn't be standing in front of me, telling me wouldn't even be in my apartment. And if I didn't love you, then or now, then I wouldn't have spent ten years of my life trying to find someone to take your place. I wouldn't have chased you for a damn year, just to have your feelings catch up with my own. I didn't have to wait. I didn't have to care. I didn't have to chase you. But I did. I did wait. I do care. And I did chase you. How does that say that I don't love you? How does that make it seem like I don't see you as a man?"

Ritsu stood silently, cupping his mouth in silence. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry-No matter how much he wanted to, he wasn't going to cry.

"W-When you laughed at me.. all those years ago, I became all jaded and twisted. I didn't understand how someone could be so cruel to another human being. I'm-I'm only human…I can't…do magic tricks, and I can't go back in time and erase it all…I feel so much pain…w-what a-am I supposed to do with myself?" Ritsu's voice began to waver again, and he swallowed a dry gulp of air. "How am I s-supposed to stop something that I've lived with for so long?"

Takano stood quietly, nodding his head slowly. "Well," He spoke no louder than a whisper. Ritsu looked up at the raven, who slid his hands in his pockets, and took a seat on the couch. "How do you keep something that you've lived without for so long?" Ritsu's lips quivered. Was it over? Was it really going to end this way? Because of him and his stupid mistakes?

"Takano-san…" Ritsu held the blanket around his shoulders, pouting to himself. This was it wasn't it? They were over..

"Ritsu, I only want to give you the best. I only want to spoil you rotten and keep you to myself." Takano stared at the items on the table, closing his eyes to take the sight away for as long as he could. "I want to be able to wake up next to you every morning. And make you breakfast. I want to go to sleep, closing my eyes to a peaceful dream, knowing that you'll be there when I wake up. I want to have your eyes only for me, and your lips only for mine. I want to be the one who sees that expression you only have for me. And the one who has you in their bed, the ONLY one who has you there. I want to hold you. Kiss you, make love to you. I want to be the one who makes you smile or laugh, even if it's rare. I want to be that person. I want to love you more everyday, if you let me, I will. But.." Takano stood up once again, stepping closer to Ritsu, and pulling him into a gentle embrace. "But, if you don't stop this…then…" Takano and Ritsu both gulped at the hard truth. "Then I can't give you those things.."

 _Thudump. Thudump. Thudump._

Ritsu's heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. All at once, it was shattered by simple words, yet it took so long to mend by significant actions. "After all that…" Ritsu began to cry. "After all that…You'll drop me so easily?"

The sound of glass shattering rang throughout Takano's ears. But it wasn't on the outside, it was on the inside. Ripping and tearing at his organs. God knows he wouldn't really give him up, but he had to say this. To protect him. To make him stop. What else was there to do?

"No, Ritsu, I'm saying this for you. Don't do it for me. Do it for you. Because I know I can't save you. Because you don't need saving. You have a strong fire inside, and maybe you don't know that, but you do. You survived, and made it through all this time. But if you don't stop this, that fire were burn out. Slowly, and painfully. So please, if not for you…do it for your future. For your achievements. For you life."

The warm teardrops that fell from Ritsu's eyes, absorbed into Takano's shirt. Burning and marking the pain into his chest. All he could do was silently beg Ritsu to start anew.

"Takano-san…" The blanket that covered Ritsu's petite body slipped onto the floor, as their embrace shifted and grew tighter within seconds.

 _Thudump. Thudump. Thudump._

"I want to know it all…I want to know what happened those ten years apart…I want to know everything. Please, I need to know." The two held each other quietly, the air less of a battlefield and more of an aftershock.

"O-okay…I'll tell you…just please…let me try. It's just hard…so let me try, don't leave me. Not yet. Not yet.."

"Shh," Takano ran his fingers through the brown bedhead hair, whispering into his ear. A genuine smile grew on his face, though Ritsu couldn't see it. For the first time, in a while, Takano knew Ritsu really did love him. "I'm not gonna leave you. So please, tell me."

* * *

" _Come on Ritsu, just do it. It's just for practice." Ritsu frowned at the suggestion. Did he really want his lips to meet someone else's? Someone other than Senpai's?_

" _ehm…um…w-well i…I don't know…I d-don't see w-why I need practice anyways.." Ritsu trailed off, scratching the nape of his neck. James shook his head, pulling Ritsu in by the waist and taking hold of his chin. The distance between them was close in proximity, leaving Ritsu even more uncomfortable than he was two seconds ago._

" _Look, just let me lead. I'll go first, and then we'll go again so you can dominate. Okay? It's to boost your confidence. We're trying to find you a chick-or dude- to get your mind off that fucktard back home. I'm being a good friend here. Come on."_

 _Ritsu pouted at the term 'friend.' Every time he heard it from James' mouth, it sent an odd shiver down his spine. Instinct telling him otherwise. But there was nothing wrong with him. He never forced him to do anything…maybe, maybe slight pressure…but-that's normal? Right? Friends—Friends help other friends learn new things and get over their past loves…right? Well, that much must be true at least. That's what he was trying to do. He was trying to help him._

" _O-Okay…" Ritsu managed a nervous, reluctant nod. He shut his eyes in shame when he saw James leaning in closer, brushing his lips upon his. But there was no spark. No ignition. No fire or passion when his tongue asked for entrance._

 _It was just blank. Dull. Pure nothingness._

 _But the blonde seemed to enjoy it. It seemed like forever until he pulled away with a lustful gaze. The two stood quietly-quite awkwardly.. Until James cleared his throat, and let out a sigh._

" _Okay, you're turn." Ritsu stared at the ground, rosy cheeks heating his face. 'Just pretend it's Senp-NO! STOP IT! IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME NOW!'_

" _Okay.." Ritsu locked their lips once again, tongues swirling and exploring each other's mouths. Yet, still, there was this nothingness lurking on the outskirts. Like a tumble weed strolling throughout city streets-somewhere it didn't belong. Somewhere it shouldn't be. And somewhere that no one knows how it came to be._

…

…

…

" _Ah, AAHH! R-RIts-uu! Sl-slow ahh-down!" The girl below him dug her nails into his back, screaming out in pain and pleasure. The bed creaked with every heavy and light thrust, adding into the sounds of panting and moaning that filled the room. Ritsu shut his eyes tightly, trying his hardest to finish. He need to leave. He didn't want this. He didn't want this at all._

 _But he doesn't know why he's here. Giving innocent, naïve girls that slightest bit of hope. He would never love them. He would never dare too. No man, no woman, nobody. No one deserved to feel that unwanted, petty emotion. It was nothing but a fucked up lie._

 _Love does not endure all things. Love does not reach all things. Love does not stay alive. Because love-love fails._

 _It fails time and time again. God is a liar. God is a thief. Stealing people's hearts and souls, trapping them within each other, then severing that string of love from them all in one second. God is the cruel one.._

" _Y-You were s-so qui-AAHH! St-stop Ritsu..Ah, it h-hurts!"_

 _Ritsu ignored the girls protests, continuously pounding her with all the guilt in the world. How did people do this? How did people find someone to fill the rotten, black hold in their veins? It was no use, he didn't have time to think, he just needed to finish._

" _AHH, RITSU-AARRGGH!" The girl threw her head back, feeling the warm seed fill her. Ritsu pulled out almost immediately afterwards, dropping down on the side of her. The two were silent for a minute or so, both trying to catch their breath._

 _The girl turned to lay on her side, and rested her hand on Ritsu's chest. "Ritsu," She spoke very lovingly, so attached, so…vulnerable. "I think i love you.." Time halted._

" _what?" Ritsu sat up, giving her a strange look. She nervously sat up, holding the blanket to cover her chest._

" _I said.." she mumbled, nibbling on her lips and glancing at Ritsu. "I think I..l-love you.." Ritsu swallowed the dryness in his throat. Nothing more was exchanged between the two. Ritsu began dressing himself, running his hairs through his disheveled hair. The girl sat on the bed quietly, staring intently at the blanket she wore._

"…" _She stood from the bed, securing the blanket around her body, and wrapping her arms around Ritsu's waist from behind. "I…I love you…" She spoke hushed, whispering a cry. But he did not want to help her. He did not want to care. And he did not want to love._

 _Ritsu pulled her arms off of him, heading towards the door for his shoes. The girl nodded, and lay back down in bed._

" _I see…" was all that she said, before turning her back to Ritsu, and sobbing silently to the wall. And with that, he exited the flat._

* * *

 _The cold breeze of England blew throughout the streets. The leaves were flowing with the wind, the clouds were a dark shade of white, and the sun's rays pierced their way through windows and doors, shining onto the land of many people._

 _Ritsu stared out the window of his classroom, watching other students outside kick a soccer ball around, carrying backpacks on their shoulders and binders in their arms. So many unfamiliar faces, so many unfamiliar trends. And yet, all the while, things only felt dull. He had already been here 18 months, trying to forget him_ _ **.**_

 _His life was a constant repeat of the same routine. Classes in the morning to noon, five days a week. Leaving the weekends for occasional homework, parties, drugs and alcohol. But everything was nothing but a routine. And still, no matter what he did, there was no way to forget him_ _ **.**_

 _The girl next to him fell asleep with her textbook up, hiding the fact from the teacher who was giving a lecture on Algebra. Ritsu rested his hand on his chin, deciding to scribble down another journal entry:_

' _Dear Journal,_

 _I have found, that almost everything written about love, to be true. Shakespeare once said, "Journey's end in a lover's meeting." Oh, journal, it's such an extraordinary thought. Don't you think? But, personally, as you know, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that._

 _But I am more than willing to assume that Shakespeare had. I guess I kind of think about love more than a normal person should. I am so attracted to the idea of love having constant control over us. It has sheer power to alter and define our lives. I am so amazed by this fact._

 _All the while, Shakespeare also said, "love is blind." Now that, journal, I KNOW to be true. And for some, very quite, inexplicably,_

 _Love fades.._

 _And for others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found-Even if it's only for one night. But then, there's the another kind of love. The one that not all people remember. The one that most of us forget or have not/will not experience. The absolutely, positively cruelest kind: Unrequited love._

 _It's the one that practically KILLS it's victims. And as you already know journal, I am an expert at that. It's sad, really. Most love stories are about two people falling in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories? People who fall in love alone…We are the victims of the one-sided, dreadful affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones. We are the walking wounded, or dead! The ones who are handicapped and don't have the advantage of a good parking space! Ugh, Journal, it's so unlucky. Me, personally, am a more than perfect example of this._

 _And damn it Journal, I have unwillingly loved that man, for more than three years. The worst years of my life! The worst Christmases. The worst birthdays. New years only brings tears and unwanted emotions. These years that I have been in love with him, HAVE BEEN THE DARKEST DAYS OF MY LIFE! And it's all because I've been cursed with being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh God, it's a good thing we came to England. Because the sight of him, ugh! Heart pounding, throat thickening- ..absolutely can't swallow…._

 _All the usual symptoms.._

 _Damn, I'm thinking of him again. UGH! Go away! Go away! Go away! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!..._

 _But, you're right journal…I don't hate him.. I hate the fact that I still love him.. oh great, another dreadful thought about love._

 _Well, I'm going to go now. I need to get my mind off of the subject. Again._

 _-Ritsu Onodera_

* * *

 _The brunette lay in the tub, surrounded by complete and utter silence. He stared at the white ceiling above him-Adoring its every mark of white. The white canvas seemed to represent the same blankness and insignificance in his life-forever hovering over his head. The small rays of light began to darken little by little as time passed. It was unknown to him of how much of it had been wasted. Only the white colored ceiling and a kitchen knife in his hands held his unfocused attention._

 _Had he any idea why he held the knife in his hands, he would've completed this act. But through the darkest and most twisted parts of his soul, he still felt that there was something. This 'something' that was at a loss for desire or words, just the depths of his being, revolving around the misused tool._

 _Senpai. Senpai. Senpai._

 _Senpai, like a chant, encircling and encircling throughout his head. Bouncing off the white walls, screaming throughout the streets, written in every book, burned in every memory._

 _Senpai. Senpai. Senpai._

 _And still, all the while, he is screaming at the top of his lungs, making every breath of air count. 'Someone hear me. Someone save me. Someone take me out of this hell.' Those words, those-silent cries and despaired begs, constantly being screamed out, yet still, never heard. Out of sight._

 _Out of mind._

 _He clenched the knife in his hands, turning his jaded emeralds from the blankness of the ceiling, to the weapon his fingers wrapped around. This feeling, this little feeling, pumping throughout his veins, what is it? Had he any room for longing, or desire? Did he deserve that? Did he deserve the right to long for Senpai, whom never gave him the chance to prove the sweet blasphemy of love._

 _Love is something of god. Something that is written and supposedly proven to be one of the most sacred things of all. And in the upmost yearning, he is torn between creating something beautiful, or destroying it as he has been destroyed._

 _Ritsu raised the knife to the level of his eyes, studying it's dull shine from the few rays of light left in the room. He looked towards his left wrist, memorizing the look of its skin before his attempt. What once was beautiful, will now be torn. Ritsu drug the sharp end of the knife across his wrist, holding his breath and wincing in pain. His skin is now traumatized, as he has been._

 _And again, he drags it across, but this time, so deep, the hot sticky liquid come gushing outwards. Onto the white edges of the tub, in the cool, clear water, and on the pale color of his skin. All the while, he drops the knife, letting it bang on the floor- echoing off the walls._

 _And the empty nothingness continues to pour out of his body. Drowning himself in a pool of blood. He can hear the faint sounds of knocking outside. But what does it matter now? He is going to die. He is going to fade away, as all things do, knowing that he is, and has been seen. Seen, so often, yet, still unconsciously witnessed._

 _He is making his way towards death, giving into the desperate calls of hell by closing his eyes before seeing the most powerful being over him:_

 _Saga Masamune._

…

…

…

 _The sound of a heart monitor, beeping in sync with his heartbeat, was the only thing Ritsu could hear. Both slow and fast-Continuously sounding in his ears. How long had it been? A month? A day? An hour? Why could he still feel the pain in his wrist?_

 _He held his eyes shut; he did not want to face tomorrow. He did not want to face today. He did not want to open his once beautiful emeralds, to a room full of relief and anger. What was the point? Senpai wasn't there. If he was, he would laugh, wouldn't he? He would mock him, tease him, make him feel unworthy once more._

 _And it was only that once, that one time, that twisted his soul- knotting it in odd places, tearing it in more than half, and crushing his illusions of a chance with the man he adored._

 _He is still waiting for the rain to fall.._

* * *

" _Ritsu, eat your food. You're parents are gonna be here soon." James tried to get him to open his mouth. But it was no use. For a week, he has not moved. He has not eaten. Not slept. Not spoken. Oddly enough, he would mumble a faint 'why' every now and then, never turning away from the wall before him._

 _It was a boring, simple wall. But he was so infatuated by it, it seemed. James waved a hand in front of his eyes, trying to gain some sort of attention for the twelfth time today. The door opened, revealing a male nurse, poking his head in._

" _Ritsu Onodera? You're parents have arrived. May they come in?" He waited for a response, though he knew he would not get one. He gestured Ritsu's parents inside, and went on his way._

" _Ritsu," His mother hurried to his side, kissing his forehead, and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "Ritsu, baby, are you alright?" Everyone talked to him as if he was insane. But he was not. He was perfectly able of speaking and moving as he pleased. But the pain and agony pumping through he body was indescribable. They would never understand. She ran her fingers through his hair, ever so gently, it almost made him remember him. Yes, yes…him. The person he sees, standing before him, in front of that simple, white wall._

 _True terror. Was this what dread was? Standing before him, raven, shaggy hair, hazel-cat eyes, hands in pockets, slightly slouched against the wall- The true vision of cruelty. The real image of the devil. But he couldn't bring himself to do it._

 _He couldn't turn his eyes away from the wall._

 _The devil would disappear-forever-leaving him helpless in a room, surrounded by people who don't understand. 'please, please, love me! Love me! Why don't you love me?! What's wrong with me? What's wrong!?' That's what he wants to scream. He wants to thrash. He wants to tear everyone else's hopes and dreams about love. He wants to cause them misery- because that is exactly what he feels._

 _Misery._

 _But that is what they have in common. They are simple. Boring. So blankly white. But deep down, they are the most complex. They are the most cruel. They are the most Human._

" _Ritsu," His father began, "We're taking you back to Japan with us." Ritsu stiffened. Go back..? Go back, to where he is? No, he possibly couldn't._

 _Ritsu tore his eyes away from the wall for the first time, shaking his head 'no.' James' was stiff, but smiled at the immediate reaction. He was happy to see him functioning again. The fright had him pulling his hair out._

" _No?" His father questioned. His parents exchanged glances, before his father began again. "Ritsu, you are an Onodera. You have a name to uphold. Imagine if this got out? Hmm? What then? We can't have you selfishly throwing away everything we taught you just because you feel emotion. This is only temporary. You'll get over it. But in the meantime, you're going home."_

 _Ritsu's expression fell into a desperate plea, catching his mother's attention. "Well, Ritsu, if we leave you here, how will we know it will not happen again?" Ritsu opened his mouth to speak, but found nothing to support himself. James stood from the chair he sat in, gaining the attention of the Onodera's._

" _I'll watch him." He said firmly. Ritsu glanced at his parents, who were thinking carefully at the situation. "I'll take care of him. He can live in my dorm with me. I won't leave him alone unless I have to. I promise, give him one more chance. If we mess up, you can ship him back to Japan." His mother gave her husband a restless expression. James stood firmly in place, silently praying that they'd give it a chance._

" _Oh, alright. But if this happens again, you'll definitely go with us." Ritsu's desperate expression changed into a more subtle one, slightly relieved to have James there. Maybe, he was really just his friend. And had nothing but good intentions.._

 _Ritsu turned to face the wall once more; Saga was gone._

* * *

 _The night sky seemed to glow through the window Ritsu stared out of. The stars had an unusual flair in them, a spark, if you will. The few clouds that had passed through the sky, shone with the moonlight, leaving shadows to cover most of the sights around them._

 _James noticed how the colors enhanced Ritsu's beauty. His emerald eyes were shining and reflecting off of the moonlight. His silky hair drew a darker shade of brown with the light, and his soft peachy skin couldn't be anymore desirable than now. He would have him. If not now, later. Perhaps, he'll be lucky enough soon._

 _Ritsu rubbed his bandaged wrist, feeling the stitches holding his skin together underneath. The pain lessened after a few days, though it was more of his soul that hurt. A twinge of pain inside. Clenching him by the ankles and pulling him into an abyss. His heart was no more than black. His eyes a dark shade. His skin a light pale. His body more petite than it ever had been. And still, he could not stop._

 _The walls were closing in. The walls were becoming less and less simple. They were causing a streak of color with his flaws. His habits, his addictions. How many times did he have to continue to lie to himself that it was okay?_

 _But there was no way out, was there? He would forever hate to love, and love to hate. Forever contradicting himself with the destruction and power to fight emotion. He wanted something beautiful; He wanted something divine. But no, that would never happen now. He would never have it. Because of him. Because of Senpai. Stealing his love in a heartbeat, then tossing it to the curb once he was satisfied. But that was the fact about unrequited love. He would always be last in line, only used when convenient. He was the one who fell in love alone. Giving his all openly, as he shouldn't have, letting himself be blinded by the love he held. Perhaps it was at this moment, staring out the clear window, that he would never love again. He swore it. In all his power, he would never fall for anyone. No man, no woman. No one._

 _He would force the devil away for good. Burning the precious memories into his brain, then locking them away forever. He would forget those eyes. He would forget those lips. He would forget how it felt to sit so closely, and how nervously wonderful it felt to be held. All of it, all of it would disappear into the deepest, darkest part of his jaded soul-never seeing the light of day again._

" _Ritsu," James snapped Ritsu out of his thoughts, wrapping his arms around him from behind. Ritsu did not react in any way. He continued to stare out the window before him, less occupied in his mind. "Ritsu, let's do something fun tonight." Ritsu glanced behind him, though not moving his body in any way._

"…"

 _James pulled off the brunette, taking his hand and dragging him towards the door. "Ritsu, put your shoes on, we're gonna go to a party." Ritsu shrugged, taking a deep sigh, and sinking onto the floor._

" _Leave me alone, I'm tired.." He lied. And of course, James knew this._

" _Ritsu, I know you're lying. Come on, let's go get drunk." The pale color on Ritsu's skin began to show at this point. The bags underneath his eyes, the way his once slim, lean body had become nothing more than pure bones. He looked terrible. Dead, even. James stopped, taking a long look at the depressed brunette. He leaned down to his level on the floor, squatting in front of him. "Alright, then I'll be back. I'm gonna pick up some stuff and I'll come home." Ritsu nodded, being pulled up by his arms, and being sent back to bed._

…

…

…

 _1am in the morning. Which was barely evening coming round at Japan. His sleeping patterns still hadn't completely adjusted, but he lay in bed quietly, thinking of nothing for the most part. He was tired; tired of thinking. Tired of awaking. Tired of being tired. But still, he fought hard to forget the reason why he was tired in the first place._

 _The sound of the door caught his attention. He slowly sat up, figuring it was James. Ritsu slid out of bed, opening the bedroom door to make his way into the slightly messy dorm. No light shone through the living area, until the switch was flipped in place. James stood at the foot of the door, tossing off his shoes and coat. Ritsu watched from the bedroom door, smelling the scent of alcohol begin to make its way into the air._

 _James set down a bag at the door, then made his way towards the kitchen on the other side of the room. The few clothes and books on the floor were stepped over and around as he stumbled towards the fridge. Ritsu stepped out of from hiding, and silently made his way towards James._

" _James, what took you so long?" Ritsu asked innocently, in a weary tone. James sighed, shutting the fridge harder than expected, turning his head towards Ritsu._

" _What are you? My boyfriend? I don't need you asking me what took me so long."_

 _Ritsu frowned, tucking some hair behind his ear. What an awkward situation it turned out to be. Perhaps he should've just gone back to bed. But that wasn't him anymore. He wasn't that quiet, shy, innocent boy a year and a half ago. He was too jaded for that. He was to twisted to not put up a fight._

" _what the hell is your problem?" He questioned, not hiding the irritability in his voice. James scoffed, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air._

" _Nothing."_

 _Ritsu shook his head in confusion, but decided he wasn't going to fight after all. For what reason did he need to anyways? They're not going out. They're not anything more than friends. Ritsu turned around, ready to head back to bed when James spoke again._

" _You know something Ritsu?" Ritsu stood still, back facing the blonde. "You're too pretty to be a boy." Ritsu suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He shifted on each foot, preparing himself to enter the bedroom._

" _You know why I care Ritsu?" He hiccupped, leaning against the fridge. His eyes rolled back; he had obviously done more than just drink liquor. Ritsu turned around once again, raising an eyebrow at the question._

" _umm…?"_

" _I care because," James stumbled closer to Ritsu, "I care because I want to get you" He point to Ritsu, bobbing his head side to side with an odd grin on his face. "To bed." Ritsu cocked his head to the side._

" _To bed? W-well, all you had to do was tell me to go to sleep.." Ritsu said dumbly. James pulled Ritsu by the bandaged wrist. "O-oww! Let go!" Ritsu took ahold of James' grip on his stitched wrist, wincing in pain as he held on tighter. "James! Let go!"_

" _I want to go to bed with you. So, go into that room, and we'll get started." James said in all seriousness, making Ritsu pull his body backwards, trying to tug away his wrist from the strong hold._

" _S-stop! Let go. Just go to bed. You're drunk!" James rolled his eyes, squeezing his wrist tighter, and taking his other in his free hand. Ritsu struggled against him, trying to pull away._

" _You know what I think about you?"_

" _Stop! Just let go! It hurts!"_

" _I think you're the cruelest bastard alive." He leaned in to whisper into his ear. "You are so twisted Ritsu…so fucking twisted….You know why?" Ritsu shook his head, attempting to get away. But the hold on his stitched wrist only grew harder, sending extreme pain through his wound. The skin felt as if it were being ripped apart little by little._

" _Stop it!" James jerked Ritsu's body, sending him stumbling into his chest._

" _You're always thinking about him. That stupid guy back in Japan. Why don't you ever notice me? What about MY feelings?! I actually care! I would give you everything if you just asked!" Ritsu's eye widened. He stared into the once beautiful ocean eyes he knew well, that now looked a bloodshot red, with all the hate in the world._

" _L-let go..please…I'm-I'm tired." Ritsu tried to hold it back-Hold back all of the thoughts he promised to lock away. He turned his head away, shaking his head 'no.' For some reason, the only thing he could think of was Saga-Senpai._

' _ **Senpai…w-we're going out..right?'**_

" _Ritsu! Look at me!" James jerked his body again, letting go of his right hand, and taking him by the hair. "I said look at me!" Ritsu clenched his eyes shut. Was he scared? Was he that afraid of him?_

' _ **what?'**_

" _NO!" Ritsu shouted, trying to fight his way out of his grasp. James let go of his bandaged wrist, grabbing his chin instead. "Stop! JUST STOP!" Ritsu continuously turned his head every which way to get his face away from James'._

' _ **It's just cause…y-you never say anything..'**_

" _Stop fighting me Ritsu!" James held onto the brown hair with all his might, pulling it in so closely to the scalp. Ritsu held a hand on the hand that pulled his hair, jerking around with the movements against each other._

'…'

' _ **Senapi…'**_

" _St-stop!" Ritsu wanted to cry. Why can't he cry? Why wont the tears come out?!_

" _Stop fighting me!" In an instant, Ritsu was thrown onto the ground, hitting it with a loud thump, and holding the place where his hair was pulled._

' _ **how do you feel about me..?"**_

" _NNNOOO!" Ritsu screamed, stumbling towards the bedroom door, racing in slow motion. He could hear the racing footsteps behind him, catching up to his pace. But time was so slow. Time made everything move scene by scene. His body was dragging itself towards the door. Reaching, reaching, reaching out. But never taking hold._

 _James grabbed Ritsu by the waist, dragging them both down on the floor. "Tell me you want me! TELL ME!" The smell of alcohol inflamed through his nostrils. He crawled towards the door, pushing and fighting his friend off._

" _Ritsu! Just tell me one time! One fucking time! That's all!" Ritsu's heart raced. It raced so quickly, it would burst any second. Fear? Hate? Why was it racing? Why did it feel so empty? And why was it that only think he could think was 'Saga-Senpai would never do this to me..'?_

* * *

 **Okay! I know I did not update Friday like I said I would, but that's because my f*cking computer deleted my original draft of this. And trust me, it WAS AMAZING! BUT NO! Stupid computer wanted to be a dick and make me start all over! XC it took a lot of effort to rewrite because I am super tired from working and stuff. This was my first day off in two weeks. So yea, I am sorry. To those of you who continue to read this story, thank you. It means so much. I don't know if it's good or great or anything, but I'm glad you guys read it anyway. It makes me glad that at least someone's reading it. Ahaha. Anyways, sorry about the late update. I'll try to keep it regular. Hope you enjoyed it. Send a review or Pm or something if you have any question, comments, concerns. And any criticism is accepted too. I will take it and try my best to fix it next time.**

 **-J.J. 3**


	10. Chapter 10: It is over

" _like a sparrow, I can fly._

 _But I cannot, touch the sky…_

 _But someday, I would like to know that when I die, I will find my soul._

 _And when I'm gone, my skin is cold. Will I care, where my body goes?" -SayWeCanFLy_

* * *

 _Chapter 10: It is over_

' _I'm not scared.. I'm not scared.._

 _I can do this._

 _I'm not scared…I can do this.. I can do this.._

 _I'm not scared!'_

 _Ritsu bolted out of the dorm, heart pounding with each stretch towards the exit. He didn't know where he was going._

 _But he ran._

 _He ran so fast, the cold rain had hardly any time to trickle onto him. But he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop running. No matter how hard it was to breathe. No matter how hard it was to pick up the heaviness of his legs. He would never stop running._

 _His body was shaking, trembling, freezing from the coldness of the rain. He would catch a cold if he didn't find somewhere dry, but what did it matter? No one really loved him. No one really understood him. They would always see him-small, fragile, shy boy. Who was so petite, he was almost feminine. But they never saw HIM. The real him. The one who was twisted, and filled with anger. The one who truly believed life was unfair, and love was a myth. The one that really hated hurting people, but would if he had to. That was him._

 _Twisted, jaded, selfish Ritsu. Right down to the cold core of his soul._

 _Ritsu knocked on the poorly painted door several times, shivering from the rain. His knees wobbled together, lips quivering from the cold. His arms wrapped around his small body, rubbing them for some type of heat to formulate. He stood, not knowing exactly why he had come to the place of his destruction, but knowing why all at the same time._

" _Oh, hey goodie-two shoes. What's up?" The black haired male opened the door wide enough for Ritsu to step inside. This wasn't a frequent thing that happened, but nonetheless, his addictions and money had to go somewhere. This just happened to be the place it went to._

" _I need some shit*." The black haired male raised an eyebrow, stuffing his hands in his ripped jean pockets._

" _Like, shit-shit**. Or like, shit." Ritsu trailed deeper inside the flat, taking off his soaking jacket, and tossing it to a corner._

" _Just shit." Ritsu spoke irritably, setting himself down in the poorly lit living room. The black haired male, sighed, and drug his feet across the cold wooden floor in the living room. He brushed his hair back, reaching for Ritsu's wet, long, brown mop._

" _Awe, what's up?" He playfully ran his fingers through the wet, brown hair, messing it every which way as Ritsu spoke._

" _I'm just tired." The hands stopped, pulled out of the hair, and lifted Ritsu's damp, cold face. Emerald eyes met another shade of dark blue._

" _You know, you're really bad at lying. Hey wait, what's that on your face?" Ritsu quickly pushed the hands off his face, and turned away._

" _Nothing, now get me some shit, Allan." The black haired male stared momentarily, then shrugged the curiosity away, heading towards a closet._

" _So, what are you doing here at 1:30 am? Or are you here for James' shipment again?" Ritsu stiffened at the name of his so called friend. After what had just occurred, he had no intention of picking up James' shipment for him. No way._

" _Tsk, I'm just here for some relief from his bullshit, that's all." Ritsu dropped onto the couch, resting his head on the arm rest, and propping his feet on the cushions. He rubbed his forehead in frustration, feeling really irritated and confused. Allan pulled out a black duffel bag, bringing it toward the couch where Ritsu lay. He set the bag on the couch, lifting Ritsu's legs so he could sit, then placing the brunette's legs on his lap._

" _Tell me, what happened this time?" Allan opened the duffel bag next to him, searching through it for the particular relief Ritsu asked for._

 _Ritsu lay quietly on the couch, listening to the movements and sounds of the bag. Nothing in particular happened, but then again, it wasn't nothing that happened. "I don't know what you mean…" Lies. Again. Though everyone could see through them, he still tried to hide his emotions that he still somehow wore on his sleeve._

 _Allan stopped digging through the bag, and gave Ritsu a 'yea right' expression. "Just tell me. I can see you got that black eye from someone. Was it James?" Ritsu pouted, somewhat feeling the aching throbbing around his eye with a light brush of his fingertips. It wasn't the first time. And he doubt it'd be the last. But either way, it didn't really matter did it? His family and friends were in Japan. They wouldn't be seeing him until Christmas- And Christmas was a long ways away._

"…"

" _What did you do this time?" Ritsu's eyes darted towards the black haired male his legs rested on._

" _What do you mean, 'what did you do?' I didn't do anything." Ritsu argued, pulling his legs off of the lap and curling them up to his soaked chest._

" _Hey, you're gonna get sick. Go get some clothes in my room, and we'll bust some lines* for you." Ritsu gave a look of irritation, then headed towards the bedroom where he stripped into dry clothes. "So Ritsu!" Allan shouted from the living room. "Tell me what happened!"_

 _Ritsu pulled a shirt over his head, slipping it down comfortably onto his chest. "I don't wanna talk about it!" He quickly pulled on some warm sweats, and rushed out to the living room where he propped back onto the couch._

" _Come on. Please. Or you won't get any." Allan rolled up a bill, putting it to his nostril, completing his action by snorting._

 _Ritsu pouted, letting out an irritated sigh and shaking his head. "tsk. It was nothing. We just had a little fight.."_

" _A little fight? You have a fucking black eye and a busted lip. That doesn't look like a 'little.' Seriously dude, last time it was cause' you didn't tell him you were with that girl. And the time before that it was because he didn't get his shit in time. Obviously it's something. I know James. I have for a long time. Just tell me."_

 _Ritsu leaned back into the warmth and comfort of the couch, thinking before speaking anything towards his friend._

" _He just.. He was just drunk. It was nothing really.." Ritsu tried his hardest to keep it from sounding like a complete lie. But he never was good at lying was he? "He came home, and said that he only cares about me cause' he wants to go to bed with me. When I refused, he threw me down, and we got into it."_

 _Allan raised an eyebrow, passing the rolled up bill towards Ritsu, indicating it was his turn. Ritsu took it, leaning down to sniff up the white power little by little. His nose burned, but it didn't burn as much as the throbbing of his eye and the pain in his lip._

" _How'd you get out?" Allan asked, digging through the duffel bag on his side, while listening to Ritsu's story._

" _I don't know really. I just punched him off of me, and ran out of the room. I heard him call out to me but I don't know if he followed or knew where I was going. Hell, I didn't even know where I was going." Ritsu shrugged, sighed, and rested his head on the back of the couch. The ceiling was so white. It reminded him of the emptiness that never left his soul._

 _The same emptiness that put him in such a ridiculous situation in the first place. If the walls weren't so white and plain and infatuating, he would have color without flaw. But nothing seemed to go as planned in his life._

" _You do know WHY he's so mad right?" Allan's attention was in the duffel bag, and Ritsu sat up from his lying position._

" _Why?" Ritsu asked curiously. Allan snickered at the oblivious brunette, then did a light smack on his teeth._

" _Tsk, obviously because he's jealous that you sleep with anyone but him." Ritsu pouted. He didn't sleep with ANYONE. He slept with a few people, but not to the point where he was a man whore or a player. He was just….normal…_

" _What does that have to do with anything!?"_

 _Allan turned his attention away from the bag, placing both his hands firmly on the brunette's shoulders. "You're so dense. It's cause he likes you."_

 _Ritsu blinked a few times in disbelief, puffing out his cheeks a little and cocking his head to the side. "Since when?"_

" _Since you first got here stupid."_

"… _."_

"… _You seriously didn't know?"_

"… _."_

" _Wow.." Allan rolled his eyes, setting the duffel bag aside after taking his hands away from Ritsu. "Well, you can crash here for the night, and you can go back tomorrow like you usually do, or if you want. Just leave him alone for a little bit, he'll get over it." Allan yawned, stretching out his arms to the ceiling, and leaving the duffel back on the seat of the couch. "Oh yea. Take what you want, on the house." Ritsu glanced towards the duffel bag, then at his friend standing before him._

" _..What's the catch?" Ritsu asked curiously, holding the rolled up bill in his hand, and studying Allan eagerly._

" _Nothing really." Allan scratched at his head, suddenly perking up into a grin. "I just want you to be happy. That's all. G'night."_

 _The black haired male disappeared into his bedroom, shouting, "You can join me if you'd like." Leaving Ritsu to listen to the sound of the door closing gently._

" _No thanks," Ritsu mumbled to himself, tossing the bill onto the table and falling back on the couch. "I'd rather be alone.."_

* * *

 _The sound of dishes being moved and the refrigerator being opened slowly woke Ritsu up from his sleep. The morning light easily made it's way through the windows, reflecting onto the couch where Ritsu found himself._

" _Ah, morning sleeping beauty. Sleep well?" Ritsu squinted one eye opened, letting out a yawn before responding._

" _um, yea. Actually I did.." Allan hummed in response, leaving the air silent for moments following._

" _Oh, James called a few times." Ritsu clenched his fists on his thighs, taking in the information._

" _What…what did he say…?"_

" _Hmm.. he asked if I'd seen you."_

" _And?"_

" _And what?"_

" _What did you say?"_

" _I said you came by for some shit, but then left soon after." Ritsu took a deep breath through his nose, silently contemplating on what to do. Allan noticed his tension, stopping what he was doing, he studied Ritsu from the kitchen. "Are you going back?"_

"… _."_

" _Ritsu.. Are you going to go back?"_

" _..I…I.." Ritsu held his breath, standing up to head towards the bathroom down the hall. "I'll be right back.."_

 _Allan sucked in a breath, hoping Ritsu would make the right choice and…And do what? Allan sighed, frustrated, rubbing his hands on his face for clarity._

 _Ritsu stared at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his much too long hair. He had let it grow out to reach his shoulders, yet, still short enough to pass for a male. He hated his hair. It reminded him of when he would be drifting off into sleep as his Senpai ran his fingers through it._

 _And his eyes. An emerald green. A green his Senpai always stared deeply into whenever Ritsu wasn't too nervous to hide his face._

 _And his lips, the ones Saga had seemed to kiss so sweetly and lovingly-yet just acting as if there was a possibility that he might actually love him._

" _Senpai…"_

' _ **Ritsu….i love you.'**_

 _No. not again. He would not think of the one night. That night. He wouldn't. He promised himself he wouldn't._

' _what did you say..?'_

' _ **I love you.'**_

" _Senpai. Senpai.." Ritsu cupped a hand over his eyes, numbing his lip with his teeth. "Senpai.." It was time. It was time to let him go. He had to let him go. How else would he move on from the pain? It had been two years since then. He had to. He had to. Ritsu opened the drawer underneath the sink, pulling out a pair of scissors, and holding them to the level of his eye._

" _I'm not scared. I'm not scared.." Ritsu whispered quietly to himself, sucking in breaths and staring at the scissors in front of him. "I can do this…. I'm not scared." He took a quick glance at his bandaged wrist, ignoring the small pain he still had from the night before. "I can do this.." He grabbed a chunk of his hair, brought the scissors closer to it, then fearfully snipped it off unevenly._

" _Senpai." Ritsu forced back the tears again. Forcing himself to be strong. "I'm not scared.." His hands shook as he snipped every which way on his beautiful hair. Piece by piece, strand by strand, his silky brown hair dropped onto the floor and counter._

 _He could hear voices coming from the living room, though not paying attention. He knew who it would be. "I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared."_

 _Snip. Snip. Snip._

 _His hair was cut to the nape of his neck. His once overgrown bangs were cut just above his eyes. He no longer was bound to his 15 year old self, nor to his so called friends. He was just Ritsu now. He stared at his uneven, though still beautiful, hair._

" _Senpai, you see this?" He whispered to himself in the mirror, taking hold of his hair and clenching between his fingers. "I'm not afraid anymore."_

 _Ritsu rested the scissors on the counter and sink where his strands of silk lay lifelessly. He wouldn't clean it. This was a symbol._

 _This was his escape._

 _And he would make sure he saw it. That they ALL saw it._

 _Ritsu quickly took a deep breath, preparing himself to run. This was it. He slowly opened the door, hearing both Allan and James yelling at each other in the kitchen. He would get out. He promised himself he would get out._

 _Ritsu held his breath, and bolted to the front door._

' _im not scared. Im not scared. Im not scared. Almost there. I'm not scared'_

" _Ritsu!" James tried to catch him, reaching his hands to grab and pull him down by the waist. But Ritsu was too fast. Allan and James couldn't catch the running brunette._

 _And for some reason, they knew,_

 _They wouldn't be seeing Ritsu anymore._

* * *

Takano silently held Ritsu in his arms, hearing his soft breathing. They had been laying silently for almost 15 minutes, letting each other both take in the background story.

Ritsu tried to keep his breath steady, holding onto Takano's shirt, praying that he wouldn't leave him. He couldn't leave now. Not after all this time, would he? The fear crept over him, quietly preying and agonizing him as Takano was quiet with his arms around him.

"Takano-san?.." Ritsu looked up at the raven, who seemed to be lost in deep thought. "Takano-san.. say something.."

Takano took a deep breath, suddenly hugging Ritsu very tightly. "Ritsu, Thank you.."

 _Thudump. Thudump. Thudump._

"For what?" Ritsu asked uncertainly.

"For everything."

 _Thudump. Thudump. Thudump._

"W-what do you mean?..."

"I mean, thank you, for everything that you've given me.. and told me"

Ritsu began to panic. What was he saying? "Takano-san…"

"Ritsu," Takano cupped Ritsu's cheeks, warming his face with his hands. "I love you." Their lips met in a small kiss, leaving both of them secretly wanting more.

"Why.. why do you sound so…like it's the end..?" Ritsu forced himself to ask, although, he wasn't sure if he truly wanted the answer. Takano looked at him in the upmost loving way, pulling his head into his chest.

"Because it is the end."

Ritsu pulled back, heart ready to burst at the comment. Tears already hung out of the corner of his eyes, "What do y-you mean? You j-just-"

"It's the end of that part of our lives. That part is over. And there's no way we're gonna get it back." Ritsu cocked his head, even more confused at what his lover was getting at. "You know, for ten years, I kept on asking myself what I did wrong. I was so angry that I let my guard down. Because in all my years, never had anyone squeezed their way into my heart, until you did. And even when you left, you never did leave. You were always with me. As if, as if you were torturing me with your presence. And even when my life started getting a tiny bit better, and I finally shaped up and started working a Markuwa, I always prayed, to a god I wasn't sure existed, that you would somehow squeeze your way back in. And you did. For once, my prayers were answered. So thank you. Thank you for answering them by suddenly appearing and making me wait for what I wanted."

Ritsu softened his composure, suddenly relaxed that it was not the type of ending he thought it was. "Takano-san.."

"Ritsu, I've always loved you. And if you let me, I want to convince your parents to let you choose who you want to be with. I don't care if you have or had a fiancé, just being here with you now, knowing that your heart is mine, is enough for me. But let me do this."

Ritsu stared at the wrist where the scar no longer rested. That scar that he always dreaded to look at in the past, was finally gone. It had been. But the internal scar had always lie deeper than the one on his skin. And now, that internal scar was finally cleanly closed. All by the one who opened it in the first place.

"Takano-san…"

"..I love you."

* * *

"I have ripped the beating heart out of my chest for you.

Bleeding as I fall apart, I've torn my wings in two." -SayWeCanFly

* * *

 **Gomen~ I know it's been forever. Forgive me~ *pleads for life* I think there's gonna be one more chapter after this one. And I know this isn't PERFECT but hey, I tried with the little time I've had recently.**

 **Thank you for reading and following this story for the suckiness and the good parts. I am happy to know that you guys read it for what it is, although it could be better ( I just haven't had the time :c Sorry.) Also, any reviews are deeply appreciated. Any comments, questions, concerns, suggestions, OR critisim is always appreciated. Thank you very much.**

 ***The quotes in this chapter are in the song called 'Song of the sparrow,' by SayWeCanFly***

 **P.S. My 'holding you closer than most story' wont be as depressing. I promise. Lol**

 **-J.J.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own characters of Sekai ichi Hatsukoi, or the main story plot of the manga/anime.**


	11. Chapter 11: Just words

" _In your house, I long to be._

 _Room by room, patiently._

 _I'll wait for you there, Like a stone._

 _I'll wait for you there, alone.."_

 _-Like a stone by AudioSlave_

* * *

Chapter 11: Just words

 _ **I am an ugly being**_ _._

 _So menacingly ugly. But I am not referring to my outside appearance. I am speaking in terms of the inside; from the very core of my heart, to the blood circling throughout my entire being. I am completely and utterly twisted._

 _I am apathetic. Demanding. Dispassionate. Brutal. A soul of pure anguish towards others.. But never in all my days, had I given anyone the privilege of sinking those dull-witted words into my skin.._ _ **Because they are just words..**_

 _ **I didn't care what their impressions of me were.**_ _I didn't care who_ _ **"loved"**_ _me. I didn't care who_ _ **"wanted"**_ _me. And frankly, I cared even less when people would say_ _ **they "needed" me,**_ _or that_ _ **I**_ _would somehow need them. All I wanted was to forget the anxious knot twisting its way through my chest. I just wanted to forget_ _ **him..**_

 _And that name, in which, always_ _ **burned**_ _in the very front of my memory. Finding myself, quite insolubly, constantly repeating the small syllables of his name. "Ritsu.. Ritsu… Ritsu.." I was always very, secretly attentive to the sensational way it rolled off of my tongue. It felt so natural, and yet, so foreign, knowing that he had disappeared so suddenly. All the while I say his name once more- "Ritsu," I can hear his sheepish, soft voice lingering in the air-almost singing back to me. "Sempai.."_

 _And even after several months of waiting.. I could still smell the faint scent of his shampoo. I still pictured that petite, lean body; and those oh-so-unknowingly, alluring emerald eyes. I could still feel the warmth of his skin, the silkiness in his hair, the breath from his lips._ _ **I could still picture the smile I once swore that I would destroy**_ _. But soon enough, his sweet, seductive tone began to_ _ **fade**_ _; as do all things. Those emeralds, that silky hair, that soft, sinful skin.. I was beginning to think that he was only a figment of my obscure_ _ **imagination**_ _._

 _ **Oda Ritsu**_ _ **did not exist here.**_

 _No one knew 'Oda.' But everyone seemed to know someone similar to him: 'Onodera Ritsu.'_ _ **But he couldn't be my Ritsu..**_ _Their names were different. It couldn't have been him. In fact, I was 99.9999%_ _ **positive**_ _that he was indeed_ _ **not my Oda.**_ _He wasn't real anymore.._

 _ **And those were the words that I had become accustomed to.**_

 _As more and more frivolous time passed, I began to_ _ **only recall**_ _the name. Remembering the simple, sad, treacherous cliff he brought me to. And the one he left me stranded on not long afterwards._

 _ **People who are kind, usually want something in return**_ _. I used to truly believe that was the case, in the deepest, depths of my soul. But when it came to him, it was never like that. Never_ _ **my**_ _Ritsu. He never wanted anything in return. For him, just standing by my side seemed to make him ecstatic. He was kind. He was oblivious, mouse-like, and awkward. But still, everything that made him Ritsu, made me fall harder for him all the more._

 _Just because it was him..._ _ **ONLY**_ _because it was him- admiring me, waiting for me,_ _ **loving me-**_ _that was enough to break down my barriers in one go. Simply leaving me vulnerable to unpredictable wounds._

 _People always tell others, "Don't do drugs. Stay away from drugs. That shit will fuck up your life." And yes-yes I agree.. I agree completely._

 _But in this lifetime, there was only one thing that ever_ _ **truly**_ _fucked me over.._

 _Love is the most fucked up thing of them all.._ _ **Fall in love and you'll get killed*.**_ _Isn't that how it is for all of us? We drain out all fight in us to face our demons that had made their way inside-pulsing their way through our veins. Nonetheless, evidently there wasn't a way to stop that lid from our unrequited love container, to keep from breaking apart._

 _ **It was inevitable**_ _._

 _And suddenly, even after you_ _ **know**_ _that you are being played or used, you don't bother to try to cover that container anymore. You have no reason to. There's no way to put it back together the way it was before...Because.._ _ **You can't fix what's been so badly broken.***_

 _You just can't._

 _In this world, there are many things that can make you, or break you._ _ **They are just words. Only words.**_ _But words can tear you limb by limb. Painfully. Sadistically. Mercilessly._

 _Words can have such an effect on you.. by being so compatibly complex, such as: "I love you.."_

 _Those words are used without questions or phases. And I've doubtlessly reiterated them over and over, regretting having missed the opportunity to speak them to him._ _ **To Oda.**_ _And It's years and years of this repetitive form that quakes my core, startling me like a child would be when alone_ _ **in the dark.**_ _Even after 5 years run-off of booze and promiscuous acts,_ _ **I know that the world has shifted, therefore, so must I.**_ _It's then when I reluctantly gimmick, no matter the circumstances, that I will refuse to speak the undeniable piece of the love I held- and still hold enthralling and lithographing beneath my shielded heart._

 _Despite it all, saying the right thing at the right moment is usually seldom-almost beyond dire. So much so, in fact, that at the very moment I open my mouth to make or break him,_

 _ **I hesitate**_ _._

 _People stress that usually hesitation begins with fear. Perhaps it is the common fear of 'saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.' Though, between all the scenarios I've reminisced through countless times, I know that in reality, things are usually 70% different than how we_ _ **thought**_ _them to be. Leaving us to wince back, escaping that 5 second illusion of what should've happened, and into real life._

 _Real life.._

 _There is no definition to 'real life.' Because whether you're raised in a home like mine, or a home like Oda's, our perspectives will always be 99% different. Real life could be waking up from a night terror, and snuggling into your mother's bed, so she can slowly poise you back into a beautiful slumber. Or real life could be the joy of sleeping a façade you-in the strictest confidence-yearn for, before grimly awakening to a nightmare you wished was solely a dream._

 _Nonetheless, words can also put someone back together. The words that do, are the one's we thought we could never catch the courage to say. And back then, I realize, I_ _ **should've**_ _opened up and_ _ **told**_ _Oda how I felt more than once. I should've realized how fragile he was.. It was quite obvious he was somewhat insecure. Stagnantly, I hadn't really_ _ **ever**_ _given him a candid response as to what my affections were. I had whispered it ever so softly our first night together.. But now I grumble through my thoughts, too late to realize he believed it was just a fable of his wildest dreams. I distressingly dwell on the fact that I should've cast aside my pride, stood before him like the tough, unfazed 'man' I was, and_ _ **told the truth about how he made my heart pound.**_

 _It's always been those words, that make, break, mend and crack someone. They are the vocabulary that will haunt us the longest. That simple, plain, "I love you," was what I spoke to the mirror for practice-pretending that I had been given another chance to embrace my uneasy, tattered affections for him. And yet, I know that years ago, I never did have the strength to confess bluntly minded so easily. It couldn't be that easy. But in 'real life,' it really_ _ **was that easy.**_ _Through the years we were parted, I would constantly think to myself, 'I should've. I should've said them. Maybe he_ _ **wouldn't**_ _have left me. Maybe he wouldn't have_ _ **disappeared**_ _into thin air. Maybe he would truly, unfathomably_ _ **love me**_ _.' But he did leave me. Not only disappearing into thin air, but leaving_ _ **me**_ _unfathomably in love with_ _ **him.**_ _Which is something I had never thought possible._

 _But there is always that slim chance of it being pieced together, delicately being mended. Some conclude that it has to do with the phrase,_ _ **'Time heals.'**_ _Others will tell you that it's with_ _ **rejecting**_ _the memories altogether. But in an even slimmer chance,_ _ **fate**_ _will step in- And fate, is Karma's best friend._

 _And fate- Ha. It must've taken pity on me. But Karma, he wouldn't let me live- not without a cold, civil war between my desires and his needs. It was alas, my years worth of drunken sobs and prayers had been semi-answered._

 _However, seeing him everyday, avoiding me and glaring at me with such anger and ruptured disposition, it practically_ _ **killed me. It itched my barely sewn wounds.**_ _His presence poured salt into them, making them burn so much more than I had_ _ **ever**_ _burned before. But his presence also poured vaccine; unknowingly giving me stronger will to win him over for the_ _ **second**_ _time in our lives. I so_ _ **desperately**_ _wanted to_ _ **crush**_ _him to a pulp for all the wrong he did me, then at the same time, I_ _ **wanted**_ _kiss him all over;_ _ **Hold**_ _him as close as possible, and_ _ **willingly**_ _break down into a million-fucking, shattered pieces. …Then hearing how he truly believed that_ _ **I**_ _was the one who_ _ **'didn't'**_ _love him-that made it ache all the more. Because that means that_ _ **I was the one who fucked up.**_ _If only he had known._ _ **If only**_ _ **I had known.**_ _But I can't help who I love. No one can help who they love._

 _You're just not supposed to.._

 _No matter how emotionally, physically, and mentally_ _ **torturous**_ _it may be, the heart want's what it wants. My better perception had been tossed aside in a spilt second, when I found out it was_ _ **my**_ _long lost Ritsu. I had distinguished my treacherous heart in the bittersweet nostalgic . Clouding all things, hazing all around me- simply allowing myself to swell overwhelmed with want and a love so unbearable, I subconsciously stood through the thickening air of half-hearted rejection._

 _We can never_ _ **force**_ _ourselves to_ _ **not**_ _care. No matter how many times you repeat, 'I don't care, I don't care, I don't care,' it only proves that on the shield you brought over and around your heart, is not as strong as you thought it was._

 _People say to 'listen to your heart,' or 'follow your heart!' But in 'real life,' it's our hearts that lead to our destructive, bloody downfall. That's the way it will always_ _ **be**_ _, because that's the way it always_ _ **was.**_ _Everyone forgets,_

 _That we are_ _ **vulnerable**_ _ **and defenseless**_ _when we are in love._

 _And maybe it isn't the freefall or landing that hurts the most, what really hurts, perhaps it's the_ _ **fact**_ _that it_ _ **will, no matter what.**_ _Yes, maybe that's what really leads to our failures and bitter dispositions. The fact that we cannot control our emotions without fault, or time our actions perfectly._

 _But the crazy thing is, is that his feelings were always much further ahead then mine. They were always pouring out of him so easily. Although it took me eleven years to realize that he did not do me wrong, I now understand how much he loved/loves me. I finally understand, for the first time in my life, what it means to willingly_ _ **wait**_ _and_ _ **chase**_ _someone. The chasing is finally over._

 _All there to do now is to wait._

* * *

Ritsu folded his hands neatly on the deep-brown colored table. Before him, sat James, with an bored expression, shifting glances throughout the café. James took an irritated breath before Ritsu began.

"James, I wanted you to know that i'm sorry." The blonde's expression did not change. He rested his cheek on his fist, looking very irritated at the start of the conversation.

"What the hell do you have to be sorry for? You're a big boy; you don't need to tell people you're sorry." Ritsu made a light huff with his breath, already imagining scenarios that will most likely happen. He prepared himself, sucking in more oxygen, and nodding his head.

"Look, I know you don't wanna hear it, but I am sorry." James' clicked his tongue, shaking his head 'no' at the brunette.

"No, just fucking stop Ritsu. You always do this. You say, 'I'm sorry,' when you have nothing to be sorry for. Don't you get it? People are taking advantage of you."

"Oh," Ritsu was taken back, giving a stern, shocked gaze at the blonde. "So, people like you?"

James stiffened, slamming his palm on the table and leaning in closer to Ritsu's space. "Don't talk to me like _I'm_ the one who was fucked up. That was all you baby."

Ritsu turned away, throat suddenly feeling dry and head swirling in dizzy notions. "Don't talk to me like I'm a toy. I'm not." Ritsu swallowed the frog in his throat, not even daring to look at James who was probably fuming with rage.

"Ritsu. Don't go there on me. I will lay all your shit bare. All of it. Don't even start with that crap about me treating you like a toy. If anyone was mistreated here it was me. So fuck you Ritsu. Fuck you." James clutched onto the long sleeves Ritsu wore, holding it firmly to keep himself from raising his hand.

Ritsu held his eyes shut, slightly relived that they were somewhat secluded from other people in the café. He peeked an eye opened, peering it to his right for a quick glance at Takano, who was intently watching their every move.

James pulled away from Ritsu, slouching back into his seat and crossing his arms. "Why are you being like this? You said you wanted to chill, and we're here. But all you've done is sit there like you've never laid a hand on me in your life."

"I never said I hadn't laid a hand on you. In fact, that's one reason I'm apologizing to you now. Even though I'm a few years too late, I am sorry. I led you on and it hurt you in more ways than one. I regret not being able to love you in any way more than a friend, but I've only ever loved one person! And that's-"

"Sempai." James mocked the name, mimicking it in a soft, girlish voice. "Yea, yea. I get it. But then why are you fucking around with that guy who answered the door? I know you're sleeping with him. You have to be, considering the way he looked at you like he owned you. How would your stupid Sempai feel now? He's probably out fucking all the hoes he can and you're still here, barely moving on after what? Ten years? That's pathetic."

Ritsu rolled his eyes, snorting behind his hand. James glared at him, a sign that he was growing more tense then before. "He's my Senpai." Ritsu casually smiled, shrugging to the thought.

"Well of course he's your Senpai, you look younger than him. Stupid." James muttered, now rubbing his temples in small circles to relax.

Ritsu chuckled, mostly to himself, and twisted a few strands of his hair between his index finger and thumb. "No. I mean, he _is_ my Senpai." James froze. The two exchange long stares between each other. Both taking in the facts accordingly, and both of them still trying to figure out how coincidental it turned out to be.

"So.. that guy…That guy is.." Ritsu nodded, turning a soft gaze toward Takano, who was still sitting in the café, patiently waiting for him to finish this unsolved conflict from his past. James stole a glance at the raven across the room.

His gaze was so loving.. So fondly doting on Ritsu. It was an expression of what appeared to be relief and reassurance toward the brunette. He had never seen such a heartfelt look. And if he ever had, no other could top the shockingly breathless one before him. He was almost envious of that man.. _almost._ And that _almost_ envious sense made it all the more difficult to control the sudden sentiment towards the two. Everything had become so detrimental since the day he found Ritsu's beautiful hair scattered all over the bathroom's counter and floor.

But maybe, Ritsu left it as a sign for him. Maybe it indirectly pointed in both parties' directions- as an indication of his own personal pursuit of happiness.

It must've been. No, it had to have been. Because if Ritsu hadn't gone back home to face the demons that haunted him, he wouldn't be able to face the other set of demons that traced his existence back here.

James' eyes slowly moved back and forth between the two, who's eyes were locked on each other- blocking out all else in the room.

It seemed that he and Ritsu were wrong.

It wouldn't be a brief moment of happiness and a lifetime of regret that they held. It would be a brief moment of regret and a lifetime of happiness that they couldn't see. In the end, Ritsu didn't need to _try_ to feel worthwhile again, It was really _himself_ that needed to allow the pieces to come back.

"Ritsu.." James stood from the table, gently patting the brown mop across from him. "Maybe in the next life, we'll do things right.." Ritsu, quite baffled, watched silently as the blonde turned to leave.

James stopped near Takano's table, neither of them making any sort of eye contact. "You really are impossible to compete with." Takano smirked confidently, responding with a light 'hmph.' Nothing more was said, and James disappeared from the café in a matter of seconds. Takano stood to make his way towards Ritsu, who appeared distressed and relieved all at the same time.

"Ritsu?" The brunette stood from his seat quietly, giving his hair a brush of his fingertips.

"Takano-san?" He mumbled, taking a deep breath through his nose. "I think I finally understand now." Takano shook his head slowly, trying to piece whatever Ritsu was speaking of together.

"Which is?..." Emerald eyes stared at him, lighting up with that tint of determination and glint he had always loved.

"Words are nothing more than just words." Ritsu took hold of Takano's hand, intertwining their fingers together. Takano was shocked at the bold move, but made no protest to stop it.

"Okay, but what do you mean you 'finally understand' now?" Ritsu smiled to himself, both of them heading towards the exit and into the first glimpses of the sunlight.

He shook his head. "Nothing."

But they both understood what he didn't say. Because he didn't have to when actions are louder than the words he hasn't found the courage to express yet.

' _I was going to say that I love you.'_

Takano gave Ritsu a gentle smile, placing a soft kiss on the back on his hand as they walked.

' _Not that you don't already know that..'_

* * *

" _In all I read, till the day was gone_

 _and I sat in regret for all the things I've done_

 _For all that I've blessed, and all that I've wronged._

 _In dreams till my death, I will wonder on.."-like a stone_

* * *

 **One more chapter after this guys! Holy shit balls. Time flies. XO Give me your thoughts por favor ;) Thank you for reading**

 **-J.J.**

 **** The phrases with the stars mean that they are from something else. I do not own them. Or the characters from SIH.**

 **Song name: Like a stone by Audioslave**


	12. Chapter 12: No one is watching

Chapter 12: No one is watching

" _People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved and people are being used."_

 _-John Green_

* * *

 _No one is watching the woman on her way towards death. She is seen, unconsciously witnessed. A tall, handsome woman in a white muslin gown and red handkerchief shawl, walking alone in the October rain.._

They readied themselves in a quiet state. The windows shun little rays of afternoon sun, a small, gentle breeze flowing it's way into the apartment. The silence wasn't deafening, but both knew circumstances could turn things fairly well, or exceptionally bad.

But Takano had proposed to change their point of view. He was determined to prove his love for the heir to Onodera Publishing, and his own personal worth. There was no turning back now, for they were already preparing themselves to meet soon.

Ritsu inattentively brushed his hair, eyes unfocused and staring off into space. His thoughts consisted of nothing and everything at once. His mind was distinctively visualizing the outcomes or scenarios that could happen. Though he knew very well,

Things don't always go according to plan.

Takano straightened out his jacket, running his fingers absentmindedly throughout his hair a few times, clearing his throat and letting out a sigh. He turned to Ritsu, who sat on the edge of the newly made bed, still unfocusedly brushing his hair.

"Ritsu, are you ready?" He asks, secretly nervous and fidgety. Ritsu takes a deep breath through his nostrils, lips parting to reply, then shutting with none.

Takano gave a sad smile, eyes downcast momentarily before taking a seat next to the other.

"Everything will be fine." He did not know whether he was trying to convince Ritsu, or himself. But he spoke the words anyways. Emeralds glanced into bronze, both eyes meeting for a split second before being turned away once again.

"Y-yea.. yea, you're right.." He mumbled, setting down the brush on the nightstand, almost motionlessly rising from the bed. The raven watched silently as Ritsu strode nervous and undirected steps around the room, arms crossed with a hand hugging his mouth.

Brown locks gently flew side to side with his shaking of his head, soon allowing a deep breath to escape his lips before sliding on a velvet colored jacket. Takano stood from where he sat, obtaining his keys and wallet before heading out to the genkan for his shoes. Ritsu followed closely behind, steps hollow and heavy with anxiety.

They both proceeded to leave the apartment, securing the door with a turn of the key and heading towards the elevator.

' _Everything will be fine..'_ Ritsu says to himself again. He assures himself it will be fine. He must, or else he won't be able to face them. He knows what he must say.. But,

Will he have the chance?

* * *

The drive was silent except for the relaxing tunes that played quietly in the background. Time was lost, as they both rode with their minds elsewhere. Emerald eyes studied each passing tree and building, lost in simple thoughts of 'what if.'

Takano kept his eyes on the road in front of him, occasionally stealing a glance at the anxious male in the passenger seat. He wants to reassure him once more, but what good will it do? In the end, it was highly likely that all would fail to please Ritsu's parents. How could they accept their heir, and their only son to love and have relations with a man?

He knitted his brows together, growing more and more depressed at the thought. But he was going to try, for Ritsu. For himself. For _them._

He was determined to make Ritsu his forevermore, with or without their acceptance.

Ritsu held his stomach in pain, from stress or the sudden withdraw symptoms he had educated him on previously, he couldn't decide; But it twisted in knots, making him feel nauseated and dizzy. Takano noticed the other rubbing his lower belly.

"Ritsu, are you okay?" He speaks with a hint of worry and stress, heart racing from the distance between Ritsu's parents and themselves growing closer. Ritsu silently nodded his head, apparent in annoyance and anxiety.

He swallowed dryly, clenching his eyes shut and lips in a thin frown. He couldn't reply, for he knew his sudden irritability would only make him snap at the other. Takano frowned, focusing back on the road ahead of them.

He almost felt the need to change destinations and take Ritsu to the hospital, but he had remembered what the brunette had informed him of last night when he couldn't fall asleep.

' _After using, you usually are awake all night-sometimes two nights depending on how much you use. And if you sleep, then it's only for about three hours towards the morning- if you're lucky. When it finally wears off, you get irritable and fidgety. That's what leaves people wanting more, because they don't want to feel irritable or fidgety… And that's how addiction starts..'_

Takano stole a glance sideways, carefully watching Ritsu as a hawk would. He looked exhausted, and in painful anxiousness. Ritsu held the bridge of his nose, taking deep breaths to calm himself. His leg began to bounce up and down in a hurried manner, the rest of his body lightly shaking with the movement.

The actions churned at Takano's nerves. He had never seen Ritsu so irritable, so.. angry. He seemed to be glaring out the window, as if he couldn't calm himself. Takano decided to leave him be, attempting to distract himself with the radio.

He reached out, turning up the volume a small notch, a random song playing. Ritsu's head shot a furious glare at the radio.

"What are you doing!? Change the station, I hate this song!" He grumbled, index finger jabbing at the buttons. Takano almost shook his head in denial, shocked at the furious outburst.

Takano, uneasily, took Ritsu's hand into his own, gently intertwining their fingers. Ritsu froze in place, giving a nervously ashamed blush, taking into consideration of how inexplicably rude he was to his lover. "Takano-san, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean.."

Takano delivered a tender peck on the back of the younger's hand, showing a small smile of understanding. "Ritsu, it's okay. I'll take care of you.."

Ritsu tensely chewed the inside of his cheek, eyes tearing up in both pain and sudden happiness. "T-thank you.. Takano-san."

* * *

It wasn't long before the couple arrived at Ritsu's family house. Elegant, grand and divine. Staircases leading up towards the wide set doors, and window seals cleanly painted white. Takano had assumed he had been high class back in the day, though, compared to Ritsu, he was stooped down into mere middle class-not that he minded anyways.

Takano had parked inside a wide, wrap around driveway, stopping directly in front of the house for instructions from Ritsu.

"Just leave it here, they'll park it for you." Ritsu spoke bluntly, unbuckling himself from the seat and opening the door to bright rays of sunlight. Takano seemed hesitant to have someone, other than himself, attempt to park his car in foreign territory. Ritsu noticed this, peeking his head from the outside, trying to keep his irritation concealed when he spoke.

"It'll be okay. They won't steal your car." Takano frowned, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Yea, well they might crash it." He argued, unmoving from his seat. Ritsu wore an ' _are you serious right now'_ expression, leaving Takano to grunt in playful annoyance and step out of his vehicle. A chauffer bowed respectfully towards the two of them, her hands locked together as she did this. Ritsu and Takano gave a respectful bow as well, handing the keys to the chauffer after bringing their heads up.

"I give you my word I will do no damage towards your possession." Her head dipped into another bow, taking the keys in hand and leaving to park the car elsewhere. Takano watched his car being turned into an unknown corner, out of sight in mere seconds. Ritsu took a deep breath, rubbing his abdomen that griped in knots of uncomfortable pain.

"Are you feeling okay Ritsu? You look a little pale.." Takano asked, taking the smaller hand in his own. Ritsu blushed at the affection gesture, timidly replying.

"Y-yea. It just h-hurts a little bit.." Ritsu held his hand on his stomach, forcing back the nauseating pain from surfacing in front of his parent's home.

Takano's expression was one of concern, but his attention was turned almost immediately when the grand front doors burst open, revealing the owners of the estate.

"Ritsu. It's good to see you honey. Come insi-" His mother had stopped speaking, silently choking on the surprising sight. Ritsu's father glared uncomfortably, leaving Ritsu to turn a deep red, extremely embarrassed to be seen by his parents holding another man's hand. Although, he astoundingly felt no need to pull away by any means.

Their hold on each other's hands tightened scarcely, both assuring each other that all would fall into place as it should.

Because it had to.

Why else would fate bring them back together? If it wasn't to rekindle themselves as one, then there mustn't be such things as fate or destiny. Those terms would be a deceptive disposition to the world. Because it surely couldn't solely be a serendipities occurrence. Moreover, Takano had already vowed to keep his word to Ritsu, and to himself, that there would be prohibition in the likelihood of becoming deprived of his lover once again.

It wasn't even a plausible option in his mind. It would never happen.

His parents stood firmly in place at the foot of the door, studying their son's so called, 'lover.' Ritsu could see the displeasing look on his parent's faces, full of what seemed to be disgust and disapproval. Takano stood headstrong, gently tugging Ritsu alongside him as he strode to the entry way.

Ritsu swallowed restlessly, already feeling sweat roll down the side of his face. Takano seemed calm and cool in his outside appearance, but inside, his heart raced in unsystematic beats. Ritsu's parents forced a smile, glancing at Takano for a brief moment, then turning their attention towards their beloved son.

"Ritsu, you look pale. Have you been eating at all?" His mother took his face into her hands, pouting at the light color of his skin. Ritsu frowned, nodding his head in reply.

"Yes Mother. I eat, I just don't go in the sun that much.." His mother shook her head, placing her hands on her hips in defense.

"Onodera Ritsu, I do believe I've told you not to lie to your mama." Ritsu parted his hand from Takano, letting out a soft sigh. He attempted to hold his twinging abdomen, then catching himself from revealing his unknown pain to them.

"Mom, please.." He begged, irritable once again-he was itching to run into the nearest restroom. His mother took a deep breath, turning away to head inside their home. Everyone soon followed after her as the butler opened the drawing room for their use when they drew near.

Takano glanced around the grand home; long, velvety curtains that matched Ritsu's coat, hung from the wide set windows. The walls were a beautiful sand-color gold, designs imprinted amongst it. The sitting area in the room they entered was elegantly comfortable. The chairs appeared cushiony and beautifully tended to. The coffee table separating sets of chairs was a dark chocolate, enhancing the color of the walls.

Ritsu's father rubbed his forehead, evidently distressed from the conflicts bound to arise. His mother sat herself on one of the couches, her husband taking a seat next to her. Ritsu chewed on both of his cheeks, taking a seat across from his parents and Takano taking his own next to him.

His mother cleared her throat and crossed her ankles, leaning back into the comfort of the couch. "So," she daringly began, almost glaring at Takano who sat directly across from her. "Let's get right down to business."

She looked to her husband, who nodded in agreement. His emerald eyes focused attentively towards Takano, who sat unnoticeably nervous in his seat. "So, Takano Masamune.."

"Yes, Onodera-Sama." Takano replied calmly, earning a nervous glance from the brunette beside him.

"How do you know Ritsu?" His father asks, his elbow propped up on the arm rest, palm resting in front of his chin. Takano knew where this would expectedly lead, now especially careful in his response.

"Onodera is a subordinate of mine." Ritsu's mother wore an appalled expression on her face, her head brisling slowly from side to side at him.

"So you're sleeping with one of your subordinates Takano-san?" She askes, quite angry with the idea. Ritsu could feel heat rush to his face, both in embarrassment and frustration.

"No! Mother, it's not like that!" Ritsu defends before anyone had a chance to respond. All eyes turned to him in surprise. "A-Ah, I mean..w-well, Takano-san isn't like that! He-"

"Then what is he like Ritsu? What do you even know about him!? Haven't you thought of the possibility of him just using you?" His mother argued, her face stern with disapproval. Ritsu's lips formed a thin line, emeralds boring into the carpeted floor. Takano stayed poker faced, hiding the fact that hearing such an accusation quaked his core.

"It's nothing like that, Onodera-Sama. I am deeply in love with your son."

His parents responded quietly, leaving the air in the room to still itself in time. Ritsu fidgeted in his seat, leg bouncing overwhelmingly nervous. Ritsu's father cleared his throat after some silent minutes, all attention now focused on him.

"Ritsu, go wait outside. I'd like to speak to this man alone." Ritsu faced Takano, eyes wide with concern and protest. Takano gave a nod, reassuringly ruffling his hair.

Ritsu glanced at his parents, then back to his raven haired lover. After several seconds of debating to obey, he reluctantly made his way out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Ritsu's father was first to speak up. "How much?" He asked, somewhat catching Takano off guard.

"…?"

"I mean how much. How much for you to disappear?" Takano blinked at the bluntness, anger slowly bubbling it's way to his surface.

"I don't want your money, Onodera-Sama." Takano eyes fixed a stern glare at Ritsu's father, both exchanging dominant power.

"If you don't think 52,000 yen is enough, I can offer you more. We're willing to pay any price, as long as you disappear, and never show your face to our son again."

Takano had no reply; he sat dumbfounded and angry. So this was what Ritsu's parents were like? They were scum. The lowest type.. the absolute lowest.

"As I've already stated Onodera-Sama, I will not take your money. No amount will override Ritsu. He is priceless. And there is honestly nothing you can do, or say, that will make me give him up once again. With or without your blessing, Ritsu and I will be together."

The Onodera's rested in place, silently gulping at the response. "Takano-san, do you like your job?"

"Yes, very much so."

Ritsu's father smirked, eyes fixated on Takano. "Then how about we test what you think you need more, our beloved son, or your job to survive." Takano grew unsteady, knowing they could very well ruin all that he had successfully made himself out to be. All that he had worked his life for.. Would they really be so heartless?

Takano did not respond. He was infuriated by these 'respectable' people. Of course they claimed to love their son-he was their heir. He was gold in the flesh. He could be sold for more than thousands of dollars with the name he carried. Takano was beginning to believe that they couldn't possibly love him with the way things seemed. But what did he know really?

He knew nothing..

"Onodera-Sama, truthfully, I've lost your son once. Because of a stupid mistake I made in the past. But fate had given me a second chance, and I had not hesitated to take hold of that chance. I had found him again, and I considered myself lucky. It took a long, hard year of chasing him so that his feelings could catch up with my own. And it was so worth it. Just being with him right now, I think things make more sense then when we were kids. Isn't it timing that has a lot to do with everything? Back then, I don't think.. that I was ready for him yet. I was so scared, so happy, and so confused all at the same time. And yes, I had screwed up. And yes, for ten long years, I had regretted not being able to hold on to the one person I had come to love. But the past is past. And I truly do love Ritsu with every fiber of my being. And that sir, is no lie. There is nothing more important to me than him."

Onodera-Sama scoffed, running a stubborn hand through his greying hair. "What does love have to do with anything? What kind of man chooses 'love' over his survival in the world?" Takano's brows furrowed together at the question, just barely noticing the space held in-between Ritsu's parents. It was almost a 2 foot gap..

Did they.. not love each other?

It almost didn't make sense. Ritsu appeared to be raised in a loving home.. Even now, he was still sheltered and somewhat naïve passed the jaded attitude he wore. So why.. why didn't this make any sense?

"Onodera-Sama, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Love has a lot to do with the world." Takano argued, expression a baffled one, and his mind wandering to Ritsu's smiling face. Ritsu's mom cleared her throat, brushing back a strand of hair from her eyes, and replying to the statement.

"You see, Takano-san, Ritsu has duties. He has priorities, and whether or not you like it, they will be fulfilled. And there are already so many difficult obstacles one has to overcome in a lifetime. Why allow yourself to be one of them?"

"Excuse my boldness, however, I do not agree. I would only become another obstacle if I do as you ask. Why wish pain upon your son whom you claim to love?" The room grew uncomfortably quiet when the Onodera's did not bother to respond.

 _Let us recollect our sensations as children. What a distinct and intense apprehension had we of the world, and of ourselves.. We less habitually distinguished all that we saw and felt from ourselves. They seemed, as it were, to constitute one mass.._

Takano almost smiled at the memory of the book, an image of Ritsu's smile playing into mind. He loved this specific quote, and still..

..And still, he had no clue what it meant.

* * *

The retching sound had bounced off of the bathroom walls, breathlessly heaving with strained, mumbled curse words from his lips. A hand clutched tightly at the marble counter, the other firmly attempting to grasp at the wall.

His insides are twisting in odd forms, utterly shredding his muscles apart. It's too hard to stand. Too hard to think. He cannot gather enough strength to call for help in his state.

It hurts. It hurts because..

Because no one is watching his way..

He runs the back of his hand over his vomit covered lips, eyes clenching shut at his increasing heart rate. A taste of blood forms in the very driest part of his throat, drizzling down a nostril to meet his fingertips. He struggles to stand, the counter being his only support as he turns the faucet on and attempts to rinse the evident disorder.

Muscles twitch at the movement, head pounding in overwhelming thumps. His hand continues to wipe away the sticky liquid, not bothering to steal a glance of himself in the mirror. He knows what he looks like now.

He is no heir. He is no lover. And he is no human.

He is incapable of having the right to be. The knowingness makes him restless; and still, he yearns to fall into the temptation of a deep sleep.

" _God.."_ His voice is hoarse, and he is irritatingly fearless of what could happen now. Moreover, he speaks the term again, even though he does not believe. " _God.."_

He wants to cry out to them- cry out that it hurts.. That this moment must be witnessed..

And in a sudden flash, his knees wobbly hit the tile floor, aching and weakly falling into self-destruction. He cups a hand over his mouth, swallowing the nausea feeling in the center of his throat. Brown locks just barely scatter upon the tile floor, his forehead meeting with the coolness of it.

Time is of the essence, but he doubts anyone will find him now. They are bickering over a trivial future.. one that ceases to exist.

And it aches.

..It aches because no one is watching. No one is listening..

And No one can hear, " _God.. give me strength.."_

* * *

There was a stunned silence when the butler stated Ritsu had not returned from his trip to the bathroom 15 minutes ago.

Hearts merged into fear. Takano raced toward the destined location, shaking the knob vigorously when there had been no answer from rapid knocks.

"Ritsu! Ritsu! Open the door!" Hands trembled, breathing hitched. He turned to the Onodera's in desperation, praying they were only being paranoid. All eyes shakily met one another, nodding to the butler to retrieve his keys and unlock the door.

A thousand thoughts had crossed through his mind, though he was not sure of anything yet. But there was this feeling, this feeling he could not shake off. ' _please be okay.'_

Takano assures himself that it will be. They had come this far. They had made it passed so many unimportant, seemingly difficult obstacles-this was nothing. Right? They were going to get passed it.

He had stepped aside for the butler, hurrying him with the nervous tapping of his foot, and pushing the door open when it was unlocked.

A silent gasp escaped his mouth, crouching down to Ritsu's level, cradling him in his arms. "Ritsu, Ritsu!" His parents stood behind, lost in a daze of shock. Tears threatened to escape bronze eyes, though stayed strong and took a deep breath.

"Get him off the floor! He'll hurt himself!" His mother cried, searching frantically for her phone. His father blinked at the sight, frightened and confused.

Ritsu's body twitched and shook, head turning side to side, blood seeping out from his nostril. His breathing had turned into panting, heavy gasps for oxygen attempted to circulate throughout his lungs. Takano looked around the bathroom floor, making sure his body blocked the counter space from becoming a danger to Ritsu's odd movements.

"Ritsu, listen to me. It's gonna be okay..It's gonna be okay." He tore off his own coat, placing it underneath brunette hair, and gently speaking into his ear. "Ritsu, please." Panic swept throughout his parents' faces, his mother urgently informing the emergency hotline of the situation.

Takano did not bother to hold Ritsu's shaking body down, only whispering reassurances in his ear, fearful of where this may lead. "Ritsu, hold on. Please, hold on. You can do it. I promise you, you can do it."

 _Sorrow is knowledge.._

But he does not know..

So he is not afraid.

* * *

 **Okay, I changed my mind. Im too lazy (honestly) to finish it all in this one chapter. But the ending is near everyone. Im so sorry for the delay. I work day and night, and when I get home I usually crash and then get back up in just a few hours to go back in. Sowwy.**

 **I have the other half of this already saved and ready to post, but im really not liking cramming all of it together. So yes, I lied. This is not the last chapter. Lol oops.**

 **Btw, I keep forgetting to verify what the little ** mean in previous chapters.**

 ***Busting lines: when you snort cocaine/meth/pain killers, etc. You basically line them up and one rock (before they are crushed) Usually equals the length and width of a pen.**

 **Ill try to have the next chapter up soon. I AM SORRY!**

 **Hope you like this chapter nonetheless, and if you don't, well fuck, I apologize.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Sekai ichi Hatsukoi or the characters.**

 **-J.J.**


	13. Chapter 13: Clean

**Memento Mori**

* * *

" _To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make_

 _You something else is the greatest_

 _Accomplishment."_

 _-Ralph Waldo Emerson_

* * *

 **Chapter 13: Clean**

Dreaming. He is always dreaming.

He dreams of his youthful days when the sun was brighter and the nights wonderfully lit. He dreams of the future when doubts and insecurities will no longer flood overwhelmingly through his mind. But most of all, he dreams of today, because he is wide awake and conscious of his dilemmas. Painful and obscure, he dreams because it is far better to engulf himself within one than face reality too quickly.

He is awkward and shy, yet bold and demanding. He is everything a well brought up man up to be. But there was always something missing. _Yes,_ _missing._

Soft tips of someone's fingers roll over his cheek bones, down to his chin, over his lips. _If feels nice._ Yes, indeed it feels wonderful. It's a touch he's always known. A gentle, loving connection. Something he's always had. Now, however, he thinks to himself, _why have I always taken this for granted?_ He's never thought he would have the things he has, the things he had, and the things he could have. And still, the crawling underneath his skin reminds him, that he still had not accepted the things he could have to fill what's missing.

But he would be disgusted with himself wouldn't he? Easily, so easily, he had let himself down time and time again. By friends, by family. By lovers. It was all the same. Equally phased and not phased by each and every outcome. And so, perhaps this is why he is always running. _It's not me, it's them._ Yes, maybe, just maybe it _is_ them..

Or maybe, it's just _him_.

No, never mind that. It's no judgement of 'maybe' or 'what if', he knows what it is. It is him. Just him. The time has come when he must finally open his eyes and face the facts. All dreams end. _All dreams end._

"What do you mean he's tested dirty for such absurd things!? Ritsu would never do-"

"I'm sorry Onodera-san, but your son _is_ suffering from side-effects. Quite common I might add. Within a few hours, he'll be fine. But considering how easily he fell into symptoms, I recommend keeping close watch on him and away from these kinds of things. At any rate, he's just going to kill himself and lead a difficult life."

"Thank you Doctor." As the said physician exited the room, the three awkwardly wait for Ritsu to explain. It was embarrassing enough to have no clue of their son's 'condition', and now they had to witness their son's _male_ lover silently comfort him.

"…" Takano wore a tired, small smile on his lips, brushing strands of brunette hair away from emerald eyes and gently caressing his soft cheeks.

"Mom, Dad.. I'm sorry." The words had slipped out easier than he expected them too. Though, even with these words no one had moved a muscle or spoken. It was just him now. It was time to finish what he's never bothered to stop. "I know.. I know you're really disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me too."

"Oh, Ritsu! Enough with the pity talk. What the hell were you thinking?!" His father was a patient and tolerable man most of the time, though now, it was as if he had finally been pushed off the edge with nothing to grab onto but air. It was something new to witness, but something he had known to come.

"…I just.." What words to say? What could he say now? He had run out of excuses, but even then they were nothing to completely hold as a foundation. _Beautiful dreams were slipping away._ More and more. "I don't have any reason. I just did it."

"What kind of reasoning is that!? You expect your father and I to take that?"

 _Slipping._

"It's not like I wanted this to happen." With a nibble of his lip, his face crunches up into frustration.

 _Slipping._

"Are you sure about that? It seems to me like you _have always_ wanted this!"

 _Gone._

His father's expression raging. Everyone in the room holds their breath. Takano takes steps away from Ritsu's bedside; _he is so tired._ And Ritsu stares. For once, he stares that damn man straight into his bronze eyes. Now, he promises to be brave.

"..It's because.." His sentence is drowned out with a soft mumble. All ears straining to hear him. To hear _why._

"What? Ritsu, I hate when you mumble! Just be honest and say why! We deserve an answer!" His mother is almost in angry tears. But she is the strong one, it's not her tears that will fall. _Not today.._

He takes a second to swallow, keeping a steady stare with the eyes he could never face.

"It cause.. BECAUSE I'M WEAK!" Honesty spills onto the table, ungraceful and angry. It's out of his mouth now, and he cannot take it back.

 _No.. he won't take it back.._

"It's because I'm weak.. Because I am not like all of you!" He turns his flushed, teary face in their direction. "IT'S BECAUSE I AM WEAK! BECAUSE I'M SELFISH! AND BECAUSE I AM HUMAN!"

And now, eyes are opened once more. _And the dream is gone._

He cries painfully, holding his hair tightly between his fingers now. He grasps desperately on the hospital nightgown just above his heart _._ "I don't want to take over the company! I don't want to marry someone I don't love! For fuck's sake, I'm in love with a man!"

"…R-Ritsu.. Ritsu please, stop this!" His parents are mortified by his outburst. It was expected but not like this. No, nothing like this. _They were happy._ They were happy, weren't they?

"If you don't like it, leave me alone! Just leave me the hell alone if I'm such a disgusting piece of embarrassment! I don't care! I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

No.. they _were_ happy.

"Son, it is your duty! You're an Onodera! You have duties! You have a name to uphold! You think you can just throw that all away for how you feel _right now!?"_

But it wasn't all of them that were happy. It was _They_ that _were_ to be 'happy.'

"Right now!? It's been 11 years! That's not momentary! I'm not throwing anything that I wanted away! I NEVER wanted anything from the company to an arranged marriage! You only care about yourselves! Not me! Never me!"

What once was a perfectly painted image of the perfect, wealthy family, was now unmasked. It was nothing but distortion and lies. They weren't happy. They weren't _ever_ happy.

 _They wanted to be happy._

"I carried you for nine months! I gave birth to you and raised you! We gave you everything you ever wanted! You selfish boy!" His mother is flustered, as is he. Mother vs. Son. Father vs. Son. Son vs. expectations. _It's_ _too_ _much_.

"All of you shut up!" Takano ran unsteady fingers through his hair, shouting this in clear annoyance. He knows he can't help. Here he is listening-witnessing the truth, but this isn't right.. He had always imagined Oda Ritsu with a loving home. The boy smiled and laughed. He spoke and blushed. He was _perfection_. He was _loved_. _He was wanted._

But here they are, 11 years later. Onodera Ritsu was far from perfect, but desperately loved and wanted by none other than himself. He loved this Ritsu. He needed this Ritsu. But could he have this Ritsu?..

"You are family. This is your son! No matter what he chooses, you should respect that and support him! A parent's love the most important thing! It doesn't matter if you don't like their preference or their job or what they want, it's their life! But no matter what, a parent's love should be genuine! Not like this!"

Ritsu's father took a step forward, furious with undying anger. "Shut your mouth! It's none of your business what goes on between my son and our parenting! You wouldn't know anything about it anyways, your parents didn't love you from the beginning!"

 _And that old shattering sound echoes once again._

"…" He is stunned speechless, eyes wide with shock, as are Ritsu's just a few feet away.

"D-dad.. you.. You fucking asshole!" Tears fall from his eyes. He cries _for_ Takano. Because his heart hurts for him in a way it had never before. "Masamune.." Ritsu stands from the hospital bed, wrapping his arms around the taller man. "Masamune, please don't cry. Don't cry." He says this, shedding his own hopeless, pitiful tears. "I'm so sorry." He whispers, burying his face into Takano's shoulder.

Ritsu's parents say nothing, ashamed of themselves and their filth. But Takano only smiles, tears just barely noticeable in the corner of his eyes. He entangles himself onto the brunette, smiling with a passion so great, he forces the tears to never shed for the same reason twice.

He only pretends to be strong. In reality, he is just as weak as the man he swallows in his arms. "Masamune.. I love you. I've always loved you. From the beginning. So don't believe them, okay?! I love you! I LOVE YOU!"

 _And that old shattering sound stops._

Takano stared wide-eyed into the emerald eyes of the man who has once again confessed greatly. "Did you hear me Masamune..?" Ritsu's voice is tiny. Salty tears lingering on his face as their gazes meet. "I love you.."

 _And now, that old shattering has retreated._

"Ritsu.." His mother covers her mouth, rubbing her forehead in stress.

"…" Takano plants a gentle kiss on his love's forehead. Both heart uncontrollably pounding against one another. "I just got a pretty big confession just now."

Ritsu smiles, nostalgia taking him back ten years to that time in the library. When the sun was bright and the sakura petals lovely passing through the window. "Yea.."

"Ritsu, we need to know now, is this the kind of life you want? A man you have no guaranteed future with, no grand prospects.. barely tolerable? What about a wife and children? Don't you want that? A guaranteed life of success? You have everything child, and yet, you are ungrateful for it all.." His mother stared at the scene before her, wondering _when_ and _how_ things turned out like this.

"No Mother. I don't want anything like that.." Ritsu smiled at the man who gazed so lovingly at him, heart full with admiration and unfathomable love. "I just want what I have. And that's Masamune."

"…" His parents stood silently, arms crossed, sighs escaping. The nightmare was over. The uncertainty over. The anger over. All they had now was tomorrow, and there was no telling what it could bring.

"Just tell us then Ritsu.." His father finally spoke again. "Just tell us.. why did you turn out like this..?"

It was only a moment before he replied, Masamune wiping the remains tears from his eyes. "Because it's not my responsibility to want the life that other's want for me. It's my life. And that's good enough for me."

* * *

The last of his boxes had finally been moved into Takano's apartment. As cramped as it was with the many, many books they both owned, it was home. It was _their_ home.

"Ritsu, come to bed, I miss you."

"Tsk, go to bed yourself. You're not a baby." Ritsu jolted quick notes down inside a familiar, worn book, glancing over to his lover in the bedroom doorway.

Takano smacked his teeth with his tongue, rolling his eyes at the brunette. "Why do you always gotta pretend to be so pissy? We both know I'm irresistible and that you like it. So just come to bed before I go over there and bring you myself."

Ritsu quickly turned his head back to his journal, a deep crimson blush heating his cheeks. "Y-yea right. Y-you never give up do you?"

Takano strode towards the couch, scooping the brunette up in one quick swoop. "Never." Lips met with no urgency, but with a passion to beautiful for words. They stumbled away into their bedroom, leaving an exposed, new journal entry lying sloppily finished on the couch.

 _Dear Journal,_

 _There is no doubt in my mind that there will continue to be struggles in my life. I know now more than ever that that is fairly normal. I've come to realize many things these past few months. First off, that we much always_ _ **forgive.**_ _It is overall exhausting to hold a grudge and constantly go to war with past demons. Past is past. You can forgive. It's something we all have the capability to do, it's just a matter of doing it. And with this forgiveness, you don't have to forget. You can remember it, and use it to mold you positively so that you can become stronger. I know now that I don't have to forget, because I so truly want to remember how far I've come._

 _Secondly, do things_ _ **passionately.**_ _Where there is passion, there is will. And where there is will, there is a way. I've come to realize that no matter how much life throws at you, failure and pain are NOT permanent. They will pass. And when you have this passion, always remember that it is OKAY to have such strong affections and overwhelming love for someone. You should use this passion to love and be loved. Use this passion to guard your life and heart. Do things passionately, so that when the time comes to look back on your life, you do not regret what you could've done differently. Listen to your heart, but take your mind with you._

 _Next, I have come to accept the fact that I am_ _ **twisted.**_ _It's okay to be. I am human. I am weak. I am self-righteous and prideful. I am twisted. And it's perfectly normal, because I am not perfect. Nor do I need to be._ _ **Why**_ _try to waste time on imperfect qualities I have when I could embrace them and love them as people who love me do? I am twisted. And it's okay. I have no reason to say why, because It can never be changed in anyone._

 _I've also accepted that I will be_ _ **curious.**_ _And curiosity sometimes kills. It's simply a matter of knowing boundaries and when to say no. I know that no matter how horrible something gets/feels, it will alter itself to play out perfectly with time. We just have_ _ **to think of life and love fondly.**_ _And always remember that_ _ **you are never, ever alone.**_ _Sometimes life will make it seem as if the whole world will come tumbling down on you-as if there's no hope in it whatsoever. But now, in times like these, I think of_ _ **the reason why I'm twisted**_ _or "human", and I smile because I've grown and I've SURVIVED. I am weak, but I am stronger than I accept myself to be. And when_ _ **it's all over,**_ _you'll see that words exchanged or actions done are simply_ _ **just words**_ _and just actions. It's what we define them as that ruin us. We can shatter or fix someone with just one, and yet, we tend to avoid remembering that fact. And Just when we think_ _ **no one is watching**_ _, there is someone watching. A god, a person.. they can see, and they will see. But it's up to you to save yourself. Or else no one will lend their opened eyes._

 _All of this, all of it is important. No, not just lessons learned, lessons remembered. But most of all journal, most of all.. dreams end. And I think.._

 _I think that_ _ **I am finally clean..**_

* * *

"…if you chose life,

you know what the fear is like if,

You welcome addiction,

This is your kingdom."

-Kingdom of welcome addition by IAMX

 **Dedicated to F.G. Rest in Peace. You are missed, and I'm sorry I didn't understand what you meant. But now I do. So this one is for you.**

 **Thank you to all reviews, favs, follows. I love you all. Thanks for reading. Sorry this took so long to come out, but working two jobs and going to school is not an easy task. Lol. I hope you liked this last chapter. Stay tuned for more fics soon! Hopefully I update some of my other ones… lmao. If im not lazy. ;-; Tell me what you think about the last chapter! :D**

 **Until next time!**

 **-J.J.**


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